My dear friends, I have realized that I should have made something very clear. I have a bit of an issue, where I melt down and have panic attacks. These can range from being me just moaning over how far behind I am, to full on crying and screaming. Literally crying. And screaming. I have been like this since I was a little kid, my earliest memory from being when I was in the first grade and found out what home work was for the very first time. I cried nearly every single night when I had to do equations. Over the years, I got older and matured. The meltdowns did not. They continued through grade school, middle school, high school, college and to present day.

They usually happen when I've been stressed for a very long time, either over one single thing, like say a commission running late, a comic commission running late, or getting frustrated over a uncooperative project, like the measurements on a picture not lining up after hours or work, or realizing just how much time I've wasted to unimportant activities. Other times, they happen after a build up of a lot of crap happening to me over the course of a month, and then one last straw breaking my camel's back, so to speak.

I can get pretty loud when this happens, and may even just curl up into a ball and try to hold it in, despite how upset I'm feeling. If I can swallow it down, I will, but other times I just need to get all that raw emotion out, otherwise things will just get worse the next time I melt down.

However, I also know my meltdowns don't just affect me, they affect all of my friends and my family. Everyone cares about me so much, and becomes frightened when I start to break down. I hate that. I don't want you guys to feel like I'm some china doll that just shattered, or that I'm heading to a dark place. Don't worry, my parents love me very much, my dad even leaving work just to comfort me during one of my darkest times. It's just, I can't stand what I become when I break, resulting in some meltdowns feeding off of themselves, making it worse and worse.

But that's the thing, I eventually run out of gas and calm down, be it by watching tv with dad, getting distracted (surprising I know) by something else, or just letting all of that emotion out. Then comes what I call the depressed calm, where I'm cold, but on the way back to normal. I may not seem it, with how pessimistic I can get, but I am getting better by that point, and soon enough I'm back to square one, as if nothing ever happened. Hell, taking a break while melting down tends to make the meltdown crank up in intensity, because I see the break as admitting that I can't handle whatever it is I was doing at the time, be it commission, writing, or whatever.

To those who I cause alarm in or fear, I want to say I am deeply sorry. I have tried for years to get these damn things under control, from breathing, to exercise, to drawing, to reading, to watching tv, to sleeping, to quiet, to counting, to punching my pillow, to chanting, to clawing at my face(relax, that doesn't happen as much as it did in high school,) to covering my mouth to hide the screams (again, high school) to math problems, medication, to music. Nothing really seems to work.

I even tried taking an entire month off from commission, last February, in an attempt to distress, as I had noticed I was melting down nearly every night during my commission streams. On the up side, I got a lot of minecrafting done, and did some art for my friends, bought one a birthday art set, and got that first part of the gorgonzola vs. mr.patch animation done. On the other, I still feel like I fell even farther behind on all of my commissions, and I can't help but look back every time I realize I've been wasting time, and am feeling stressed, and think that break was for naught.

I guess what I'm saying is that, I just wanted to let you all that I am indeed fine, even when crying up a storm. I understand if you want to unwatch me due to my meltdowns, or whatever, but just know that it's just a part of who I am. They don't happen as often as they did when I was younger, but they still do. Sometimes, I fear that they'll happen on whatever job I end up getting, and will cause me to get fired. Other times, I fear that they'll scare or annoy away any potential spouse from me. After all, who wants to put up with a grown man crying every other month?

But, in the end, I think this is a good thing too. Some people take their frustrations out on others, some people go and kick the pet or post horrible, angry rants, or blame this or that. Me? I take it all out on myself. After all, no one else is melting down, no one else caused me to fall behind on my projects, or fail to grasp the concept of x or y. It was all me, all my fault. At least I can say that much, that I'll never turn violent against anyone else.

So... yeah, those are my meltdowns. If you get spooked or worried about me over them, please, I beg you, ignore them, or just mute whatever you are hearing me melt down over. It's best to act like they didn't happen and move on. I know I try to.