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Apr 16: Status Report
9 years ago
|██████████|SANITY
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: Fighting depression again
█ I actually don't really know what to write about in this journal as it's mostly stuff I've gone over several times before. I suppose the upside is that for the most part I've managed to keep relatively undepressed for I guess around fourish months, so that's something. Undepressed is about as good of a word I can use to describe my mental state, I'm not depressed; but I'm not particularly happy in so much as I'm 'here'. It's still as not as bad as it could be and I'm still working through it. I generally don't like to report on such things cause I don't really want people to worry about it as I do invariably work through it, though I do appreciate the support I get. I suppose ultimately that's one of the 'weird' things about depression as encouragement and support aren't things that can cure depression, and for me personally isn't something that's effective at combating it either; but they're things people on the outside looking in feel they have to try to make things better. Ultimately they aren't effective because they're fleeting moments.
I think the best way to describe depression for those who have never experienced it is you take a song that gets stuck in your head for days on end, but replace that song with negative thoughts. The more you repeat it, the stronger it gets stuck. The occasional bit of encouragement isn't going to do much against a mind that is stuck in a negative feedback loop. For myself personally I've managed to 'forget' the lyrics of the song, but the music is still there; so on the emotional level I still feel empty. I've gotten past the self-blame, self-doubt, and the self-esteem issues; but just because I've managed to evict the bulk of the negativity that consumed my mental and emotional state doesn't mean that the impression it left on me isn't still there. It's something I've been living with for a long while and continue to do so, it's just kinda how it ended up being.
Mental health aside, physical health is kinda steady. Still trying to lose weight, but the weight loss has stopped and hasn't moved up or down in any fashion. I've somewhat lapsed on that and I need to try and refocus on that. I fully admit that the depression makes it all the harder to loose weight because I know some of my eating is linked to my emotional state. I have enough control on that part to not have that completely derail me.
█ I'm still working on art though, but extremely slowly. I kinda hope this vent journal will help me be able to refocus on what's been basically two lost weeks. Hopefully I'll have some things to post in the next couple of weeks.
█ In other news my ant farm is showing signs of it being spring. Though the worker count dropped from 6 to 5 sometime in the past couple of months, the queen is producing eggs and the remaining workers have been taking care of them now. For awhile I was worried that the queen at some point forgot she was one and the ant farm would have had a rather short existence.
█ Still mainly playing Hearthstone as some people are interested in what games I do play. Mostly waiting on the next expansion and the changes it's bringing to slow down the game and perhaps make it more enjoyable. Though speaking of Blizzard, the whole Nostalrius thing made me think about what WoW was and what it became. I haven't played WoW in a long time (though I do poke at it now and then with the free 10-day trials that my account gets every so often) and I think I'd probably would go back if there was a legacy server that had Vanilla or BC WoW, and probably would pay some money for it; like I don't know 5 or 10 dollars a month. There's a lot of reasons why that I could ramble on for hours about, but ultimately it's not reasons for nostalgia; I just think that WoW was a better game back then. The last thing I did with WoW was play WoW: The Facebook Game with my previous free 10 day trial (AKA The Garrison) and there just wasn't anything there and nothing really to strive for.
I also did play a bit of slither.io for a couple of hours. I regretted it, not because it was unfun; but rather because it caused stiffness and numbness in my wrist. Probably something I won't play again cause I need my wrist to do arts!
|██████████|ENERGY
Status: Fighting depression again
█ I actually don't really know what to write about in this journal as it's mostly stuff I've gone over several times before. I suppose the upside is that for the most part I've managed to keep relatively undepressed for I guess around fourish months, so that's something. Undepressed is about as good of a word I can use to describe my mental state, I'm not depressed; but I'm not particularly happy in so much as I'm 'here'. It's still as not as bad as it could be and I'm still working through it. I generally don't like to report on such things cause I don't really want people to worry about it as I do invariably work through it, though I do appreciate the support I get. I suppose ultimately that's one of the 'weird' things about depression as encouragement and support aren't things that can cure depression, and for me personally isn't something that's effective at combating it either; but they're things people on the outside looking in feel they have to try to make things better. Ultimately they aren't effective because they're fleeting moments.
I think the best way to describe depression for those who have never experienced it is you take a song that gets stuck in your head for days on end, but replace that song with negative thoughts. The more you repeat it, the stronger it gets stuck. The occasional bit of encouragement isn't going to do much against a mind that is stuck in a negative feedback loop. For myself personally I've managed to 'forget' the lyrics of the song, but the music is still there; so on the emotional level I still feel empty. I've gotten past the self-blame, self-doubt, and the self-esteem issues; but just because I've managed to evict the bulk of the negativity that consumed my mental and emotional state doesn't mean that the impression it left on me isn't still there. It's something I've been living with for a long while and continue to do so, it's just kinda how it ended up being.
Mental health aside, physical health is kinda steady. Still trying to lose weight, but the weight loss has stopped and hasn't moved up or down in any fashion. I've somewhat lapsed on that and I need to try and refocus on that. I fully admit that the depression makes it all the harder to loose weight because I know some of my eating is linked to my emotional state. I have enough control on that part to not have that completely derail me.
█ I'm still working on art though, but extremely slowly. I kinda hope this vent journal will help me be able to refocus on what's been basically two lost weeks. Hopefully I'll have some things to post in the next couple of weeks.
█ In other news my ant farm is showing signs of it being spring. Though the worker count dropped from 6 to 5 sometime in the past couple of months, the queen is producing eggs and the remaining workers have been taking care of them now. For awhile I was worried that the queen at some point forgot she was one and the ant farm would have had a rather short existence.
█ Still mainly playing Hearthstone as some people are interested in what games I do play. Mostly waiting on the next expansion and the changes it's bringing to slow down the game and perhaps make it more enjoyable. Though speaking of Blizzard, the whole Nostalrius thing made me think about what WoW was and what it became. I haven't played WoW in a long time (though I do poke at it now and then with the free 10-day trials that my account gets every so often) and I think I'd probably would go back if there was a legacy server that had Vanilla or BC WoW, and probably would pay some money for it; like I don't know 5 or 10 dollars a month. There's a lot of reasons why that I could ramble on for hours about, but ultimately it's not reasons for nostalgia; I just think that WoW was a better game back then. The last thing I did with WoW was play WoW: The Facebook Game with my previous free 10 day trial (AKA The Garrison) and there just wasn't anything there and nothing really to strive for.
I also did play a bit of slither.io for a couple of hours. I regretted it, not because it was unfun; but rather because it caused stiffness and numbness in my wrist. Probably something I won't play again cause I need my wrist to do arts!
And for the weight, just keep it healthy and keep going!
Antfarm? That is cool! always curious about what the hell is happening inside it.
And bring back the WotLK, For the Alliance! tho it is rather boring these days, to much grind less profit.
Heartstone is not realy my kind of game those but they are nice and fun :D
And dont be such a slither whimpy! go for the highscore and then you can complain >:3
Best of health and situatin wishes!