Something I have been meaning to post for a while but haven't. It's more or less an informational thing more than anything but I want people to understand what I go through.

So suicide is a selfish and painful thing, especially when you can't control the impulses or the obsession with it. You basically transfer the pain you feel, to other people around you.

It's not just a simple fight and it's over, it's an ongoing, stressful and painful war. This is one war, I am not going to win, and I can say that with confidence at this point. For more than half my life (31 now, showing signs when I was 13, so has been 18 years of this) I have lived in a pretty steady state of depression, anxiety, and pain. This year has been the hardest by far. I guess it's partially because I am getting older and the strain is wearing on me.

While I did seek out medical help for this, it brought me to the edge of suicide and no medical professional would lift a finger, unless I moved hours away, then those docs could help but they have a conflict of interest partially, as I used to work for them.

What I am getting at basically is that I know I'm going to lose, and it's going to hurt a lot of people, but how much pain must I endure before someone says it's enough.

So yeah maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but at some point in the future it will be the end.

I am not religious, but being stick against trees and ripped apart for eternity may be the fate that befalls me. (10 points if you get the reference)

But for now I will reside in my current hell, until my ultimate demise.