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Sorry for the quiet (personal update)
9 years ago
Just been dealing with a lot the past month or so...I was really sick for about two weeks & am finally feeling like I have my stregnth back. I stopped talking to my father refently who has a lot to do with my PTSD & the majority of my nightmares. He was angry & tried really hard to guilt me into talking to or seeing him, but it isnt going to happen & if it is, it wont be for a while. My mate got a new job, which is a very positive thing & we are both now going to be making close to $12 hr, so that's nice. I've been going to my councilor for about...two months now I think & while it is helping in some areas, talking about & remembering & re-experiencing other things has been giving me a hard time. The nightmares in particular were especially bad until I cut off my dad. While my abuse was not as bad as many people I know, my mother, sister & I still suffer the effects of 20yrs of living in fear. It's a very hard thing to unlearn. I've also cut my hair (you can see my current id pic for that) & ever since then have been meet with a mass amount of male resistance. I guess I look "too masculine" or my appearance offends people because in the paast week @ work I hadthree incidents.The first was general harassment, the second a guy just plain making fun of me to my face & the third threatened to break my nose when I wouldnt tolerate him being rude about it. My bosses & coworkers were very protective & sent the cops after the guy, but I still had to go home because I was so angry....that was on Friday. Even though I went to work on Sunday, I am having a hard time convincing myself to go today...what helps you ge out of bed when you are having a bad day or are afraid of something? Does anyone else want to share about anything they face (health issues, disorders, dysphoria ect.)?
First off --
No need to apologize for this. Any of this.
Some times life is so rough -- it doesn't make any sense and it is far from fair.
But we work with the hands we are dealt.
It sounds like you have been fighting all the negative cards in your deck for a while (bad metaphor is bad just roll with it) and that is a great thing! As long as you don't give up I know things will get better! Like your partner getting close to $12.00 an hour! That is great and I am super happy for both of you! Hopefully that will take away some of the financial stress, eh?
Honestly...PTSD is someone you may never fully get over. But that doesn't mean it has to rule your life, and I speak from experience. Keep working with your counselor and being honest with yourself. Face the past so that one day you can overcome these fears. Regain control in your life. I believe in you.
As for your haircut -- fuck all the people who are rude. They don't matter. Small minded fools are best left forgotten. It is definitely understandable that you are nervous about returning to work! Try talking to your superior's and let them know what is going on. Being completely honest about something like this will more than likely be beneficial.
What I usually do when I feel overwhelmed about going to work (or anywhere) is:
-Compromise with myself. Plan a reward for myself after my work. Be it lazy time/food/something I really want.
-Remember why I need to go. Bills, mostly. I feel comforted when I know I am financially secure.
-Remember why I like to be at work. That isn't always easy to do but there is good in being at work, sometimes. I personally like to be out of the house and like to stay busy.
What I do mostly is I try not to overthink. The more I think about it the more likely I am not to go to work. If I can stay remotely distracted then when work time comes it isn't so bad. I am not so scared.
You are going through so much. Even if you don't see you that you are, you are a very brave person for facing these daily battles.
I believe in you, Lux!
Thank you for the support & kind advice ~
I'm glad that you're feeling better. Good for you cutting off that extremely toxic person. Super congratulations to your mate for finding a job. I'm really glad that you're seeking help with your PTSD I'm extremely proud of you, you're a super strong and brave person and I respect you so much.
Definitely saw your new haircut and you look wonderful. I love having short hair myself. Personally I prefer to get a #1 or #2 blade buzz cut.
Dang. Super sorry to hear that customers are disrespecting and making fun of or threatening you just because of your hair style. I'm super happy that you have such great coworkers and bosses. I hope that all three of them got banned from the place you work at.
The primary thing that gets me out of bed and go to work is the fact that I need the money. I know what it's like to deal with pain in the butt customers. I was bullied by some for over 4 years but now they've stopped because of our new manager and assistant manager.
I definitely can't say that I approach my work day in a positive way. I always look like I'm in a bad mood or a bit like a zombie. I've had my kindness taken advantage of a couple times. I plan on showing why that's a very bad idea in the near future.
Best wishes my dear friend.