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A bit of emotional venting
9 years ago
General
I had a strange experience last night. I guess I'd call it my first emotional break down that I've had, possibly the first feeling of depression since my teens.
I felt it might help just to sort of throw it out in the open air really.
I just started a new job the other day, it's pretty reasonable but going from having too much free time to basically an 1/3rd was pretty hard hitting, not to mention moving into a new place which for a bit didn't have a fridge, nor a way to have cold water until I did, with the hot and humid weather making my room a bit of a nightmare to both be in and sleep in.
Now I managed to deal with this all, my first day went well but the way I'm being taught is both not great in the method, while also being even worse for me due to my disabilities, AKA teaching me super situational stuff rather then the ground work so I understand the situation, however the people there are nice so that's a bonus and hopefully with time I can actually do support stuff rather then being an email sorting first line support.
Second day went okay as well apart from feeling a bit illish. On my way back I started to feel chipper, planning to relax on the internet doing whatever, my way to relax, chill, enjoy myself since the teaching isn't exactly exciting.
Sadly when I get home I discover virgin are unable to set up internet for me, I'm currently got a situation where I bought a wireless booster for someone else's internet so I can use, only to discover the next day that's throwing a strop. I spent over 2 hours just trying to sort it out, slowly getting more and more stressed about it as I "Just wanted to relax". It kinda felt like the world was closing in. All the people I chat with not able to talk to me, not able to just relax, but most of all it felt like the world was taunting me, giving me a glimpse of being able to relax and not be stressed about my new environment only for that to be ripped away. I could only compare it to a river fish being in the sea with it's teddy bear, only for the water to pull it's teddy away.
Sounds silly which kinda made it worse, my emotions started to roll from frustration to self hatred so quickly since the idea of getting upset over trivial things only made it worse. I was on borderline tears with a hot blaze of emotions that didn't seem sure if I was angry, sad, frustrated, self loathing, or just wanting to curl up staring off into the void, closing myself off from the world.
I went to sleep early after texting my manager for the day off, the sleep sadly is bad for me since over sleeping makes me feel worse then sleeping between 4.5-6 hours. I think I've gotten over most of it now with a bit of a tough call to worried parent to explain a text that had her worried, which sadly got me to cry during the call.
I think I'm better now but I thought it'd be best to bundle together a post about it, just sort of vent my thoughts, or shed some light on any of my strange actions today and yesterday that anyone who has contact with me outside of FA might have noticed that might have made me seem out of sorts.
I felt it might help just to sort of throw it out in the open air really.
I just started a new job the other day, it's pretty reasonable but going from having too much free time to basically an 1/3rd was pretty hard hitting, not to mention moving into a new place which for a bit didn't have a fridge, nor a way to have cold water until I did, with the hot and humid weather making my room a bit of a nightmare to both be in and sleep in.
Now I managed to deal with this all, my first day went well but the way I'm being taught is both not great in the method, while also being even worse for me due to my disabilities, AKA teaching me super situational stuff rather then the ground work so I understand the situation, however the people there are nice so that's a bonus and hopefully with time I can actually do support stuff rather then being an email sorting first line support.
Second day went okay as well apart from feeling a bit illish. On my way back I started to feel chipper, planning to relax on the internet doing whatever, my way to relax, chill, enjoy myself since the teaching isn't exactly exciting.
Sadly when I get home I discover virgin are unable to set up internet for me, I'm currently got a situation where I bought a wireless booster for someone else's internet so I can use, only to discover the next day that's throwing a strop. I spent over 2 hours just trying to sort it out, slowly getting more and more stressed about it as I "Just wanted to relax". It kinda felt like the world was closing in. All the people I chat with not able to talk to me, not able to just relax, but most of all it felt like the world was taunting me, giving me a glimpse of being able to relax and not be stressed about my new environment only for that to be ripped away. I could only compare it to a river fish being in the sea with it's teddy bear, only for the water to pull it's teddy away.
Sounds silly which kinda made it worse, my emotions started to roll from frustration to self hatred so quickly since the idea of getting upset over trivial things only made it worse. I was on borderline tears with a hot blaze of emotions that didn't seem sure if I was angry, sad, frustrated, self loathing, or just wanting to curl up staring off into the void, closing myself off from the world.
I went to sleep early after texting my manager for the day off, the sleep sadly is bad for me since over sleeping makes me feel worse then sleeping between 4.5-6 hours. I think I've gotten over most of it now with a bit of a tough call to worried parent to explain a text that had her worried, which sadly got me to cry during the call.
I think I'm better now but I thought it'd be best to bundle together a post about it, just sort of vent my thoughts, or shed some light on any of my strange actions today and yesterday that anyone who has contact with me outside of FA might have noticed that might have made me seem out of sorts.
I think it was mostly just a woes in the moment more then anything else, stuff adding up to something and feeling like my coping methods were getting cut off and you know I'm always up to chat :)