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*wears birthday hat and grumbles* Depressing vent journal.
9 years ago
I mentioned it in the other journal but I don't know I also felt like I needed to get this out here too just in case anyone was...worried or curious I guess?
Let me get this out of the way now. I'm ultimately fine. I am not going to hurt myself or try to make any attempts on my life.
May 1st to the 23rd is a very rough time for me. Bad things happen, either family death, fights, injuries, people getting mad, people calling me bad things, people making me feel like garbage and it has all lumped into one big ball of self hate.
Depression and suicidal tendencies run thru my family.
I also had a very emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for years. The scars from that have done some pretty bad damage. I punish myself and I really don't believe I deserve kindness or praise of any kind.
Birthdays have been rough for me since I was a kid. There would be so many promises, so many grand things held in front of me only to be pulled away.
Drunk relatives, people forgetting, people getting into very loud...very angry fights...
I stopped expecting anything fun or good to happen.
Not to say I haven't had one or two okay ones but, I'm sick of getting hurt.
This isn't just "oh waaaah I didn't get what I WANT this year!"
It's more so "The last time I saw my father around my bday he almost fell into a fire pit and I'm still not over the time my ex called me a selfish bitch and refused to come to my 'celebration' which wound up being me crying and taking a nap on my mom's couch"
This year once again has been very VERY painful. I've had to give up a lot fo things I hoped to achieve because I'm saving up for dental surgery. My dad sent me over 8 text messages calling me an ungrateful child and how I shouldn't even bother talking to him and that I'll regret being such a HORRIBLE CHILD after he dies.
My dad is an emotional suicidal drunk who has often told me about his frequent suicide attempts. The reason he's calling me this is because with my depression and anxiety I'm afraid to talk to him because he's often hammered and says horrible things about my mom (like wanting to see her dead etc) and how he's become racist over the years.
I'm so exhausted. I've tried not to break down over the the last few weeks and I have failed miserably...I hate May.
I don't want to.
I want to have fun.
I WANT to be like normal people and enjoy my bday.
I can't.
I'm too tried from trying.
Every year I try, every year I get slapped in the face.
I'm giving up. I no longer have a birthday.
I'm gonna probably spend all day in bed, cause it where I do the least amount of damage. I can't hurt anyone just hiding under blankets.
I'm sorry this is very depressing and all over the place, I'm kind of...depressed and all over the place...
I love you guys, have a great day for me <3
Let me get this out of the way now. I'm ultimately fine. I am not going to hurt myself or try to make any attempts on my life.
May 1st to the 23rd is a very rough time for me. Bad things happen, either family death, fights, injuries, people getting mad, people calling me bad things, people making me feel like garbage and it has all lumped into one big ball of self hate.
Depression and suicidal tendencies run thru my family.
I also had a very emotionally abusive relationship that lasted for years. The scars from that have done some pretty bad damage. I punish myself and I really don't believe I deserve kindness or praise of any kind.
Birthdays have been rough for me since I was a kid. There would be so many promises, so many grand things held in front of me only to be pulled away.
Drunk relatives, people forgetting, people getting into very loud...very angry fights...
I stopped expecting anything fun or good to happen.
Not to say I haven't had one or two okay ones but, I'm sick of getting hurt.
This isn't just "oh waaaah I didn't get what I WANT this year!"
It's more so "The last time I saw my father around my bday he almost fell into a fire pit and I'm still not over the time my ex called me a selfish bitch and refused to come to my 'celebration' which wound up being me crying and taking a nap on my mom's couch"
This year once again has been very VERY painful. I've had to give up a lot fo things I hoped to achieve because I'm saving up for dental surgery. My dad sent me over 8 text messages calling me an ungrateful child and how I shouldn't even bother talking to him and that I'll regret being such a HORRIBLE CHILD after he dies.
My dad is an emotional suicidal drunk who has often told me about his frequent suicide attempts. The reason he's calling me this is because with my depression and anxiety I'm afraid to talk to him because he's often hammered and says horrible things about my mom (like wanting to see her dead etc) and how he's become racist over the years.
I'm so exhausted. I've tried not to break down over the the last few weeks and I have failed miserably...I hate May.
I don't want to.
I want to have fun.
I WANT to be like normal people and enjoy my bday.
I can't.
I'm too tried from trying.
Every year I try, every year I get slapped in the face.
I'm giving up. I no longer have a birthday.
I'm gonna probably spend all day in bed, cause it where I do the least amount of damage. I can't hurt anyone just hiding under blankets.
I'm sorry this is very depressing and all over the place, I'm kind of...depressed and all over the place...
I love you guys, have a great day for me <3
