Hey all

Up front warning, this isn't going to be a happy journal and honestly? Has been a long time due to tell you what's been happening here

Also up front, I'm not injured, so, don't need to worry on that side, this isn't a normal accident update like that, although I've no doubt that a few of you probably guessed why that's why you've not heard from me in a bit, but I have been kind of purposefully been closing off from online and I'm sorry for that for a start, you kind of deserve at least an apology there

So, bit of background first?

I wanna quickly talk about Leslie, my Little Sister in the Big Sister program, I didn't feel it was right beforehand to talk about her much, and maybe now it still feels a little wrong to do so when she can't get a say, but I think you all probably guessed you don't end up on the Big Brother/Sister program without having some fairly unhappy background

Leslie's mother, Madeleine, had taken a stroke a few years ago and lost most of the control of the left side of her body, Leslie had ended up taking over a lot of responsibility helping her mom and taking over in the home, but, finally got accepted into out program and was basically subsidised a trained nurse who would watch over things in her home and help her mom out while she could go out a few hours each week and just be a kid, y'know?

I'd met Madeleine once or twice and only really gotten a few times to get to know her, telling her about Leslie's activities, how she was doing, and how she was happy that there were some opportunities her daughter had again after thinking she wouldn't get to enjoy a normal life outside of caring for her, she was quiet and a little reserved, but there was an energy under it that really still shone and she was happy

Three weeks ago, Leslie's mother was hit by a series of seizures and sadly didn't make it

She's an only child and her dad left her a while back, so, I tried to be there for her, and indeed, asked about question of guardianship

This had already been fixed, so, no, I didn't adopt Leslie, instead Leslie has an Aunt who's taking over custody of her

Sadly, she's also pulled Leslie from the program, and expressly given request for no contact between myself and her due to concerns

And due to those concerns, I have also been currently removed from the Big Sister program

Her Aunt felt that we were getting too close and was uncomfortable with the idea of Leslie being in any extended period with someone who was in a relationship with another woman

There's more, but, right now, I don't want to get into too much detail

And, really, all of this kind of hit me on multiple levels, between Leslie's mom dying, now losing Leslie herself and being suspended, its really thrown me for a loop

Becoming a big sister really was at its start about becoming experienced with the idea of raising and helping kids out and working towards adopting again, I knew when I started the position was never permanent when you say goodbye to a kid, but, really this feels like it ended so badly, in all the worst possible ways

I have good memories with Les, stuff I didn't get to share here before all this happened, seeing a Miyazaki movie, more Magic card stuff, but its all became a big blur, I mean just the other day someone was telling me how exciting it was now that its legal for married couples of any genders now to adopt across all 50 states, but I couldn't help thinking how my own chances are looking worse and worse

I've already been bumped back, I can't imagine how this now looks on any next application, even if it comes back clean

I'm kind of wallowing in this one and not sure where to go next, possibly looking at getting some time off work

But I'm still here, even if you guys might not see too much of me, I figured you deserved to know why the silence and the Offline time kind of solidified that for me, that if I said anything, it was now, before something else happens, because typing this up for a second time I'm not sure I'd have that in me

Miss you all and hope to see you sometime soon