Lately...I want to give up... -- Glaide's Journal -- Fur Affinity [dot] net

Lately...I want to give up...

9 years ago

Lately I havent had alot of positive to say to anyone...

I havent felt myself as of late, and I feel it is starting to show more and more every day. This has lead me to getting shy over interactions with others outside of my day to day life. Been even hiding from all of my local friends here where I live. Every day I feel more and more empty even though I am taking steps towards changing myself... or atleast bringing back the person you all met and seemed to like. Meds, psychiatrists... the whole bit.

I recently have been feeling that I have been bothering and or hurting anyone that I talk to. Leaving me in silence whether from myself keeping my mouth shut... or the other party just not replying to me anymore for what ever reason.

Guys I am ready to outright give up. I dont know what I can do any longer. Every time I gain grounds on my issues, my mind finds something else to dwell on. More and more I have been wishing simply that I was dead... that I wasnt in anyones lives so that leaving the mortal coil would be less of a scary thing.

I know I have been more sensitive to any comments... hell even started having mental breakdowns to the point I couldnt function or move until I stopped crying. Ive never felt so weak and meek in my entire life. I have been battling this clinical depression for most of my life... literally 20 years of fighting. Im 33 now and I have little to nothing going on for me in my life... and no signs of that ever changing.

If I have ever wronged you, upset you or hurt you... please let me know. I promise I will never darken your doorstep again. You guys should just start severing your ties with me... there is no use in keeping me in your lives anymore. Im just a waste of flesh and time as it is. I can barely stand myself either. Ill understand...

Well thank you for reading my rambling journal...
Im sorry ive been such Trash as of late...

17 Comments

roareyraccoon ∞roareyraccoon

9 years ago

Ah man, I was just thinking the same thing, lol. 20 years for me too, brother, it is fucking abysmal. It's not simply the depression, it's that having it so damn long takes more from your spirit than you could ever describe. Don't blame you at all for feeling like you do, because it's total shit. As time goes on I'm becoming an increasingly short-tempered bastard and I have no idea how to stop it, lol. Anger is sometimes the only thing that keeps you from suicide, but I don't believe that makes someone a bad person. Intending to do others harm despite a lack of provocation is where I believe the line is. It's just a damn fact that you feel like hell and have done for so fucking long you can't pretend anymore. Well, I sure as shit don't have any solutions, haha, just wanted to say your experience, though unique from mine, still resonates with it, so best of luck to you XP.

tannim ~tannim

Digital Artist

9 years ago

Depression is a hard thing. You appear to be deep in it right now and it may be time to seek counseling and/or help from a doctor or depression support group.

It's been a while since I said anything, because I've been depressed and/or distracted myself. You've never hurt me the years ago we spoke. You were fine and friendly.

Change is good and keep trying to but you'll have to remember that friends won't get hurt from you speaking to them. You might feel you have wronged them, but that is unlikely at best.

Glaide ∞glaide

Watcher

9 years ago

I am seeing a psychiatrist and they have me on meds. I had to take some steps lest i lose myself completely

And thank you

Roslin ~roslin

Watcher

9 years ago

I really, really urge you to try a different medication. What you are using doesn't seem to be working. I know it's a hassle and I know it seems futile, but it's worth it. Once you find what works for you, it's like night and day. I'm here to lean on, please don't overlook that. I'm always available to you.

FeO2 ~feo2

Fish out of water

9 years ago

Are you keeping them urgently up to date about your condition? It could be directly related to your current medication, and require immediate change. And by "immediate," I mean "emergency."

Glaide ∞glaide

Watcher

9 years ago

My next appointment is on thursday

FeO2 ~feo2

Fish out of water

9 years ago

Okay, that's good, but if in doubt you need to treat this as a medical emergency. Keep 911 and a ride to the hospital on speed dial, and don't hesitate to use one or the other when you're in over your head.

Glaide ∞glaide

Watcher

9 years ago

I will. I have my psychiatrists number in my car at all times.. and she said similar

Eric Adler ~bavarian

Traditional Artist

9 years ago

If you need someone to talk to, even just to rant, and scream, I've got an ear to bend and a shoulder to lean/cry on.
Just shoot me a note, or we can try to be on one of the MU*s together so we can chat in more real-time.

rick2tails ~rick2tails

Watcher

9 years ago

*hugs* I hope you can end up finding a way to feel better about yourself and life in general.

Scappo ~scappo

Degenerate pixel-slinger

9 years ago

I'm sorry that you're suffering. I know this may not make you feel any better but you've never wronged or upset me, so that's one at least. In fact, I'm still looking forward to making my way back there for a visit at some point when my finances pick up and it would be awful if you weren't there to greet me.

I know you feel lost and that you think life will never change. Would it surprise you to know that I feel the exact same way regarding being 33 and having nothing going on?

Yes, sometimes it feels as though nothing will ever change. But it will. Life's really good at throwing curve-balls.

My grandpa said to me once, "Nothing lasts forever. Not even this."

Dude, you're living in a world that's limping along using a broken economic system and most currencies are worth squat (and yet it's crazy hard to get ahold of it...crazy right?). It's a world which doesn't exactly do us dudes any favors.

Things don't seem to be progressing NOT because you're a failure, but because the system around you has failed. You're lamenting not winning a game that's rigged against you.

You are NOT trash. You are a part of the majority of disenfranchised 30-somethings that have no idea what to do with an economy and world that doesn't seem to want us.

With that said, I for one hope you see past this dark time in your life and focus on the glimmer of light in the distance that is the future.

Things WILL change. They always do. Believe they will and prepare for the day they do. Until then, HOLD FAST my friend.

irreverent ~irreverent

Dirty Deeds, done dirt cheap!

9 years ago

I have no words of wisdom or trite sayings to share. Just know that you've never wronged me and that I've always looked forward to your posts. True, we're only passing acquaintances, through our time on staff at FA. But we do have a kinship, carried by all that were lucky enough to be born under the red-white-red banner.

This ancient otter wishes you good health and peace. 33, in fact all of the thirties, can be a difficult time in anyone's life. I'm almost 50 now...been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. No wiser....but still having fun. Find happiness in the small things.

ayeaka ~ayeaka

Digital Artist

9 years ago

Depression is a frightening beast. It can be scary from the outside. I know we don't know each other well, but I know what fighting that monster is like.

I urge you to keep seeing your psych. Some depression meds can take a while to work, but if it's been weeks and you feel no change in energy level, or control, I urge you to tell them. Find another medication. It can take time to find one that works! I encourage you to inquire about cognitive-behavioral therapy as well. It's not a miracle cure, but it can give you a sense of control in your life back, and for depression--at least for mine--that can be life changing.

Rexxwolfe ~rexxwolfe

Photographer

9 years ago

I bagttle depression as well its a demon a hard fight and the crushing weight and drowing sensation of the meltdowns are awful but it can be beaten how im not sure i just know we are not alone and i hold my hope we can get through this. No one truly gets how bad this disease really is until they feel it its more than being sad its more than feeling drained its like everything you love is stripped away. If you love food every day its white rice or mashed potatoes no flavorings no sauce. And cold. Its not being able to do the things you love not findingt he energy to be motivated. And then you feel guilty because you know its wrong and somethings wrongand you want out.. I know this cycle all to well. Until you just want the hurting to stop you feel you shoulnt wake up and you wouldnt be missed youve watched all your friends leave or distance from you because they cant handle you..Hang in there Guy your not alone. I feel that as so many are diagnosed with depression now 1 in four thanks to todays messed up world so much research is going into how to beat it something will come along and change somehting will have to give

Cyrixbandekrom ~cyrixbandekrom

Traditional Artist

9 years ago

Your are valuable to me:

your laughter when i hear it
your jokes when you tell them
your sarcasm when you inflect it
your presence when your near

you are very important to a few of us, this will never change. I am just sorry i am not good at keeping in contact regularly or that i am not closer to be able to show you that you are so great a person.

no need to apologize, you did nothing wrong bud :3

Hellwolf ~hellwolf

Art Whore

9 years ago

Sounds more like that a hospital treatment is needed. Closed off for a few months.

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