So I'm writing this because I kinda need to vent about it, but at the same time just writing it in a privet journal just doesn't fee; right for whatever reason.

Now on to the meat of this: it has became apparent after a number of honest and open (and more than a little emotional) conversations/interactions, that my lover of nearly 5 years, no longer loves me. At least not in the same way that they used to. I still love them and it seems they still love me, but more than me they love someone else. A character, one that I created and whom exists through me and me alone. My lover, loves this character more than me. Not only that, but they, in part because of some of my own mistakes, would rather not speak to or see me at times. During those same times they still want to interact with and have a relationship with the character.

This is a strange and hurtful situation, however, perhaps because I'm weak, perhaps because of my love for them, perhaps even in part because of my character's love for them, I have decided to give in. To at their discretion, no longer be me. To become and be this character for them as I have in the past.

Now you might be thinking "well if it's as easy as putting on a mask or a costume change, like a fursuit or something..." and I wouldn't blame you or your mind for going there, but it's not that easy. There was never any costume or prop to it, just a change in tone and demure, some slight changes in lexicon, and a different name, and I was no longer me, it was this other, this character I invented, of my own volition no less.

Of course it didn't start out as much, just a little role play, maybe a couple of minutes at a time. but over the years it's become more and more. This character is now more interesting, compelling, loving, even sexy than I am in my lover's eyes. And all this and more...

Now I'm somewhat at a loss, I love them, my character loves them, and for now, I know I'm in no danger of losing myself to this character, but... I just don't know anymore... As I've said I love them, and I honestly truly want them to be happy, even more than I want myself to be happy. And I know that's unhealthy, but in the same breath I've seen and know how much this character means to them and how much happier they are with the character sometimes. So for now I've just sorta given in, slowly it seem becoming the one who is the character in their eyes...

I'm worried, and hurt, and they know, and they're sorry too, but we still love each other, just they love the character more and differently than me. I'm not sure why I feel I need to share this, maybe as a cautionary tale, maybe just so someone else on the outside knows, maybe something else... In the end I'm still me, they're who they are and the character is my character. As I think on it maybe it's because I know the character is/will be happy with this arrangement, that their wants are not my own...

Oh well, for now I'll call this a night, and as always any questions or comments and I'll try to respond.

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as an update:
after a lengthy "conversation" and a lot of "thinking on it" my lover has decided they want to "have all of my [their] memories of you [me] erased." This boils down to them mostly just acting as though they never knew me, not acknowledging me or interacting with me in any way.
At the same time they want to continue their relationship with the character...
I honestly don't know how to deal with this, the worst part is I think I'm going to give in and just live that way at least for a while... I know logically I shouldn't... gods help me, what am I doing with my life...

I' not sure what's going to come next or how this is going to effect me, I just needed to put this update here.