FA+
Shop
The Problem With Working For Yourself With Mental Illness.
9 years ago
General
Before I say anything, I want to say, I do not use my mental illness as an excuse for any of my actions. I realize that none of this is anyone's fault but my own.
That being said...
There is a big problem with working for yourself when you are Bipolar. I have my manic episodes that last about 2 months or so, then I usually go into a depressive state for another month or 2. During my manic episodes I work hard, I get things done. I am overly creative. The ONLY thing I can think about is art. I will be laying in bed relaxing and I have not an urge to draw, but a NEED to draw. I feel uncomfortable if I am not working. I hallucinate often, not only hearing things, but seeing things too. I am in a great mood, I'm not sleeping, I am just working. I feel confident enough to take on new projects, and I complete them fast. Aside from the hallucinations, it is fantastic, it FEELS fantastic.
Then like running into a brick wall, I wake up in the morning, feeling numb. Feeling like I can't do anything, I can't even focus enough to make myself a PB&J sandwich. I am constantly tired, I am afraid to take on new commissions, and the ones I have just sit there. It's not like I don't try to work on them. I try SO hard to work. I sit down and stare at a blank screen, sketch something out, then erase it. The sketch alone takes me about twice as long as normal, then I erase it because it's crap. I have unfinished projects sitting there, people noting me wondering where their art is, and I am AFRAID to check my messages. I'm not talking like, "ew I dont wanna reply" I am talking like, full on panic attack when I see a note. It is because I know I am letting people down even though I am trying so hard to finish things. This just makes me sad.
I have hit that second part.
I have been working all night, sketching and re-sketching, fell asleep holding my tablet pen, woke up in a panic because the sound of a large dog growling right next to my ear sent me into a anxiety attack. Paced around the room, got some coffee, then sat back down to try and work again.
I don't know what to do. I am on medication to try to help, and although it felt like it was, when I hit this depressed stage I feel worthless. I know it will pass and I will feel amazing again, but not soon enough. My doctor won't give me anything for it besides what I am already taking. They don't care that my work is suffering.
Lee doesn't understand either, he often gets angry when I am not working because we need the money.
He tries to understand but he gets frustrated, which makes me feel worse.
I just hate that it is taking so long to do things. I'm not doing other stuff, I am trying to draw, nothing comes out, or it is coming out so slow that I feel like I accomplished nothing all night, then people have to wait longer for their stuff to be finished.
I am hoping something changes soon, because I can't handle doing this much longer. It makes me scared.
I won't sit here and offer suggestions because sometimes you just need to vent to someone who isn't going to judge you or tell you to start to work or do something. I know a partner of mine just tells me to go see a doctor and it feels like they're brushing me off instead of listening.
So if you need to talk, we're here. It's okay. You're not alone. You're not broken.
The words of others hurt or hit especially hard. I'll be going through a low and all of a sudden some people just get really short, or imacient or frustrated with me. "Get over it" "Just do it" or "Shut the thoughts off" "What is wrong with you now?" All it does is make me feel horrible, like absolutely horrible because for me, all my life, I've internalized everything so pin so much blame, and guilt on myself. I end up thinking, Oh no something really IS wrong with me! I can't do what they are telling me to something must be wrong with me, I'm doing it wrong? What am I doing wrong? And it just either makes me severely depressed or contributes to my high anxiety.
I am so darn sorry you have to go through this too. You are not alone. It is such an incredibly hard illness to live with, and half the time I can't even begin to explain myself and my problems without people shoving harshly in my face "You're using it as an excuse" When that is always so so very far from the truth.....
Something I found helpful is heavy exercise - its the only thing that improves my mood. Trouble is I most need it when I least have the motivation...
Not sure if it would help you, but it can't hurt?
It's funny, furs seem prone to depression, or maybe it's just talked about more.