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So, this is a right mess
9 years ago
General
So, if you haven't already guessed from a couple of my submissions lately, I've not been in a great place lately. I've lost my painkillers (strong opiates), awhile ago now, and I don't know when/if I can ever get them again. I was on them for a reason, and that reason is debilitating chronic pain that's stubbornly resistant to any other option I've tried. And, believe me, I've tried just about all of the options ever already.
Been through the worst bit of detox by now, but still ache like an absolute bastard all over, still painfully hyper-alert of every little feeling and sound and everything, still can't sleep more than a few hours at a time if I'm lucky. Still so full of hate at the entire universe. It's not going to get any better. I'm intimately familiar with how this goes. This is going to be my life.
Just want it to stop. I've self-medicated my chronic pain in a...phenomenally unwise way in the past, and I've been struggling with some very bad thoughts as a result. Remembering. It's a lot more difficult to fight those thoughts when I'm in pain and quite devoid of legit opiates all the time. Trying not to let myself fall down that particular hole again, but I just really don't know what I'm going to do otherwise.
If that was too vague...heroin. I'm talking about heroin. I'm an ex-junkie. And god, I miss it when I'm unmedicated like this. Knowing that it could make all of this misery stop.
Been trying to work on art now and then when I'm in my semi-functional moments to distract myself, but those semi-functional moments are pretty few and far between. Kinda just dragging myself through each day with effort in a continuous downward spiral. So that's fun.
So...well. Yeah. So there's that.
Been through the worst bit of detox by now, but still ache like an absolute bastard all over, still painfully hyper-alert of every little feeling and sound and everything, still can't sleep more than a few hours at a time if I'm lucky. Still so full of hate at the entire universe. It's not going to get any better. I'm intimately familiar with how this goes. This is going to be my life.
Just want it to stop. I've self-medicated my chronic pain in a...phenomenally unwise way in the past, and I've been struggling with some very bad thoughts as a result. Remembering. It's a lot more difficult to fight those thoughts when I'm in pain and quite devoid of legit opiates all the time. Trying not to let myself fall down that particular hole again, but I just really don't know what I'm going to do otherwise.
If that was too vague...heroin. I'm talking about heroin. I'm an ex-junkie. And god, I miss it when I'm unmedicated like this. Knowing that it could make all of this misery stop.
Been trying to work on art now and then when I'm in my semi-functional moments to distract myself, but those semi-functional moments are pretty few and far between. Kinda just dragging myself through each day with effort in a continuous downward spiral. So that's fun.
So...well. Yeah. So there's that.
I'm glad that I can create work that somebody finds amazing...art gives me a purpose at least.
And sorry that you've had to be familiar with this dilemma.
And thank you for being a nonjudgemental person. I really appreciate it.
Just so you know I am also a medical professional (paramedic) and have a reasonably good understanding of the physiological side of this and the things that can help.
I'm thinking of you and hope you remember that you are not alone and its never to late to find peace as long as your alive.
I see my doctor again on Thursday...still holding out slight hope that she might have some sympathy for me this time, but otherwise I'm definitely going to need all the help I can get.
It's nice to see you draw again, I hope that at least serves as a good distraction and vent space for ya. :c
So yeah. Been trying. I have small periods of time where I'm up to trying with art, to a limited extent.