I've never really had anyone that I could fully trust. I don't know anyone in my life, past or present, that I can say I know will support me, help me, love me, and accept me. So, that being said... How do I cope with that? Live without trust is a life of isolation and shutting off people. My greatest fear is being alone, so obviously I can't make myself alone and not trust. My mind, ever the mind of balanced extremes, tries to cope with this by blindly trusting as much as possible. I know that is dangerous, I know that is ripe for being abused and lied to and used, which I have been many times. The flip side, it tends to scare or off-put people, because people aren't used to someone who is open and giving (sometimes to the point of over-giving, I suppose) and it makes them wary of dubious motives and dangers that lurk behind the smiles of the wicked. And I have been accused just about every time of being something slimy and underhanded. The truth is, I have to be this way because if I don't I would be dead. I would have died a long long time ago if I didn't force myself to trust and try. And to the people who say I need to relax and calm down and be myself, this is myself, this has kept me going even at my worst. My mind is very critical of everything, and many have called me argumentative or cynical, but that is not my intention, that is just how I perceive the world around me. And having so much focus on faults and the negative aspects of everything floating in my mind, I need to have a way to get out of the negative. That has always been, for me, the people who I call my friends, and the same people who often tell me they don't know me. My self is made up of a lot of opposing extremes that somehow balance me out into a odd space of not being enough of anything to fit anywhere, I'm just stuck in the middle. I have lived a long time in groups (like furries) who are often called weird, but even then I am the black sheep of outcasts, not fitting in with what is wanted. So I realize that I am usefulness to everyone in my current state of life, which has been largely the same for most of my life. And many times I have heard the saying "You evolve or you die." and being that I have not evolved in such a long time I need to set that phrase as my focus and see which side ends up winning out.

Don't know if anyone will take the time to read this wall of rambling text, but if anyone does I hope it helps to possibly understand more about how I think. Maybe it's just a big mess and won't make any sense to anyone but me. I don't know.