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The Toxin of Envy
9 years ago
Glimpse The Thoughts of Jack the Beaver
Every year at the TSA Bash 
matthiasrat does an event where he dresses up in part of his fursuit and reads a story. Why he does it in part of a suit I don't know, but hey who cares. What matters here is I hate his story hour, even as other people love it. Why is that?
Well, in college I worked for a fiction publication. I used to do dramatic readings of the really terrible stories, I did this once a week for four years. When I see Matt doing this, I'm reminded of what I used to do. Of when I was the center of attention. And sitting through his reading just reminds me that I'm not.
Boy this sounds like whining, but I'm going somewhere with this.
Not enjoying his story hour is fine. Wanting to keep others from enjoying it is not. That's when you've crossed the line into envy. Not just wanting what others have, but desiring their misfortune. And it's something that I don't just feel occasionally. I feel it all the time.
I've been told Envy is the least confessed to sin. Well I am confessing in full force. I confess I envy matthiasrat for his success, 
vrraven his fursuit and friendships, 
salvestro for not having to pretend to not to be Catholic. And it's a toxic feeling. Because on some level you want what your friends have, but you want them not to have it.
Envy means wanting harm to befall those you care about. You won't admit it, you won't want to admit it, but you want something to happen to the people you care about. It makes interacting with them awkward because all you can think is how much you want what they have.
Envy is also a stupid sin. When I see Matthias for example, I see his family, his happiness. I don't see how he got here. I see Noir having fun in fursuit. I don't see what happened last week. I just see what I want to see. This is what envy does to you. It blinds you to anything but what you want. Never mind any unhappiness they've gone through, you are sure yours is worse.
This is the sin I suffer from worst of all. And it is accurately called the No Win Sin. If you get what you want, you don't quit wanting things, you just want something new. You don't get a positive feeling if something bad happens to those you care about. You feel horrid because you know you wanted it. Envy can even hold you in place in your life (interestingly enough). It leaves you depressed, unable to motivate yourself to improve your situation.
Everyone has something better than you. You'll never be as special as them.
And of course that isn't true. In my own life I know I have gifts. But just as an example, when
rimme and I came to my house, I didn't feel special. Why? Because over dinner my parents started again talking about my brother, how he now has a job and how they want him to refuse it if a better offer comes up.
This is in contrast to me being told just take whatever comes up. You won't get a better chance.
The thing is, my family will always care about my brother more. Their is nothing I can do to undo this. And I am envious of him. I have to accept that my family cares more for him. It is horribly unfair. But their is nothing I can do. No one can make things fair.
I want to overcome my struggle with Envy. Sadly I go at this alone, or almost alone. I have the love of God with me. And I hope the encouragement of people on here.
matthiasrat does an event where he dresses up in part of his fursuit and reads a story. Why he does it in part of a suit I don't know, but hey who cares. What matters here is I hate his story hour, even as other people love it. Why is that?Well, in college I worked for a fiction publication. I used to do dramatic readings of the really terrible stories, I did this once a week for four years. When I see Matt doing this, I'm reminded of what I used to do. Of when I was the center of attention. And sitting through his reading just reminds me that I'm not.
Boy this sounds like whining, but I'm going somewhere with this.
Not enjoying his story hour is fine. Wanting to keep others from enjoying it is not. That's when you've crossed the line into envy. Not just wanting what others have, but desiring their misfortune. And it's something that I don't just feel occasionally. I feel it all the time.
I've been told Envy is the least confessed to sin. Well I am confessing in full force. I confess I envy
matthiasrat for his success, 
vrraven his fursuit and friendships, 
salvestro for not having to pretend to not to be Catholic. And it's a toxic feeling. Because on some level you want what your friends have, but you want them not to have it.Envy means wanting harm to befall those you care about. You won't admit it, you won't want to admit it, but you want something to happen to the people you care about. It makes interacting with them awkward because all you can think is how much you want what they have.
Envy is also a stupid sin. When I see Matthias for example, I see his family, his happiness. I don't see how he got here. I see Noir having fun in fursuit. I don't see what happened last week. I just see what I want to see. This is what envy does to you. It blinds you to anything but what you want. Never mind any unhappiness they've gone through, you are sure yours is worse.
This is the sin I suffer from worst of all. And it is accurately called the No Win Sin. If you get what you want, you don't quit wanting things, you just want something new. You don't get a positive feeling if something bad happens to those you care about. You feel horrid because you know you wanted it. Envy can even hold you in place in your life (interestingly enough). It leaves you depressed, unable to motivate yourself to improve your situation.
Everyone has something better than you. You'll never be as special as them.
And of course that isn't true. In my own life I know I have gifts. But just as an example, when
rimme and I came to my house, I didn't feel special. Why? Because over dinner my parents started again talking about my brother, how he now has a job and how they want him to refuse it if a better offer comes up.This is in contrast to me being told just take whatever comes up. You won't get a better chance.
The thing is, my family will always care about my brother more. Their is nothing I can do to undo this. And I am envious of him. I have to accept that my family cares more for him. It is horribly unfair. But their is nothing I can do. No one can make things fair.
I want to overcome my struggle with Envy. Sadly I go at this alone, or almost alone. I have the love of God with me. And I hope the encouragement of people on here.
https://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/pr.....s/Memorare.htm
I try to remember to pray the rosary also but I at least pray this prayer when I can.
Also remember that no temptation is impossible to beat when you draw your mind back to to thinking and reflecting on Jesus Christ.
*gives ya a big minotaur hug*
Keep your chin up lizard. We're all rooting for you!
You know that I have one real ambition in life, which is to overcome my laziness and lack of confidence to make the best art and the best comic that I can. Nothing else in life matters quite so much.
What I am envious of is
I wish I had the success that he's had, and I do feel some resentment that I couldn't build what he built. But I do enjoy his comic too much to wish misfortune upon it or him. My biggest concern is that I will try to imitate his comic, art-wise or character-wise or narrative-wise, even if it goes against what I want and what I dream for my comic. But I do have hope that I can match his success eventually, and that I can use my you-decide-what -- ambition, envy, greed, despair -- to remind myself to work hard each and every day to achieve my dream.
I myself have been getting a sense of stagnancy in my life. And I keep complimenting everyone around me for fear that I might grumble about them instead. But I might need to do some extra searching to see if I'm grumbling on the inside.
I think you should talk to your parents about this favoritism you feel is happening. But not in a confrontational way. From my experience, confrontation is most effective for definitive events, but not so much for chronic issues that leave no visible traces. If either of them are what you'd call intuitive or introspective, perhaps you could try to get them to talk themselves into a realization?
If it's been a while since you've had a job-like a while, while- then they might only be saying 'take whatever comes up' to get you back into the routine of having a job. Also, to get the (quote) better jobs (unquote), the employer usually checks to see if your most recent position is, well, recent.
As for what career path you take, that is between you and God, not them.
You're right though. I should talk to them. But it's hard to do. They've hurt me. A lot. And I don't know what to do.
I wish God would let me know the future. Sadly that's something only He knows.
Wal-Mart was no joke the worst time of my life. I was stuck in the mindset of everyone's life is better than mine
Just don't give up on yourself or your parents. Respect can take a long time to win and even longer if you're trying to win it.