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PCA - Erase the Noise
16 years ago
General
NaNo Novel: Here Falls The Thunder
At the behest of 
kompy, I'm going to come forward and come clean about some stuff, regarding some things that I've done when it comes to the PCA.
To paraphrase someone I've chatted with, who will remain unnamed out of the fact that, while I have no love for this individual, I have the civility to know go around dropping names of people I dislike:
"I don't give a shit about how people feel. I don't pay attention unless it actively interests me. And that I've treated people like shit, and that when it comes back to bite me, I act like a victim."
These aren't his exact words, but it's a close approximation. And for the most part, he's fairly accurate. I didn't (and still don't) really care what people think or feel about me, and I don't always take into consideration how they feel when I do something. A rather keen example, was the Journal that was posted on the PCA account which started this entire fiasco, which lead us to this point.
While the contents of said journal, could very indeed be seen as a personal attack, that wasn't the intention. It is true, I did not, in the course of writing that journal, ask for any approval on it's contents, nor stop to consider the possible consequences of posting that material. If I had, likely a great deal of the drama that occured could've been avoided, I'll admit that. I had simply desired to take a more active role in trying to make sure that the masses of the PCA community, remained informed and up to date. But then, they say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
As for treating people like shit, again I won't drop the names of said people, but they know who they are. In one instance, I was present during a chat in which a few of these aforementioned people were sitting around, and openly making terrible remarks about the quality, or rather the lack thereof, of artwork and whatnot, submitted by other people in the PCA community.
I found this rather aggravating and disconcerting. It seemed completely unfair, that these people considered themselves the judge of what was "quality" material, and had come to the belief that the artists/writers/etc that they were poking fun at, were somehow obviously no good. What bothered me the most, was that, at some time in the past, I use to be one of them. I use to partake in said ribbing on these artists, for no other reason than shits and giggles.
And I'm really not to proud of having done that. I came to a realization, that in making fun of them, which included the drawing of joke pictures and comments worded as thinly veiled insults at these people, we, who were trying to perhaps set an example for the community, were nothing more than trolls. What then really got me unnerved, was the fact that these people tried to explain their actions as "artistic criticism." That, because these images drawn by other artists weren't appealing to their sense of taste or value, that it was completely justified in making rude remarks about them, to "teach" them to do better.
Unfortunately for me, I let my aggravation get the better of me, and I said a few things I really shouldn't have said. And I do regret having said them. However, I have made no attempts to apologize, mostly because these people apparently don't want to hear it, based on the pokes and jabs they now direct at me. But, I'll do it anyway, at least because I should've done it right away: I apologize for the rude and immature statements I made about you.
Also, two people have recently returned to chatting with our group, who were previously absent. And no sooner do they show up, then they begin to dig into me, for my mistakes and screw-ups. All the while I do my best to remain stoic, and to not respond in kind. But, I find it odd, that these two come back, to a place they know I visit, despite both of them disliking to me a severe degree. I have remained civil and polite since their return. I simply believe that they need to try and act the same. They both made a choice to come back. I'm not saying that they have to like me, or act like friends. However, a measure of tolerance wouldn't hurt.
Kompy has tried to ask that I talk to them, and attempt to at least work through some of the issues. However, as they have repeatedly displayed, they have no such interest in any reconciliation at all, based on all the various statements they've made, including one inparticular: "Half the PCA's problems would be solved if you went away."
Perhaps that's true. But I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to disappear. I joined this project and community, because of Kompy. Without her, I wouldn't have found this place, which has been the source of much inspiration, and without whom I wouldn't have met some of the people that I've come to respect and admire. I suppose that, as long as Kompy remains, I have a reason to remain as well. She is one of my dearest friends, despite having only known each other for a little over 2 years or so.
Again, I'm not asking that you, those people who dislike me, and I just be best buds or anything. I'm not going to ask that you change your opinion of me, either. You don't have to like me, or the things that I do. But, if we're going to be in this community, there needs to be some amount of tolerance, if only for the sake of not creating any further drama or damage than has already been done. I'm fairly certain that
dh01 would want that, at the very least.
Edit: Also, if you feel that you really just cannot even pretend to tolerate me, then I ask that you consider the other people who are present when you go to try and make a spectacle by trying to make a jab at me. I'm fairly certain that they don't like being witnesses to drama, or flys on the wall either. So, if for no one else, think of the others, and their feelings. Because if you go and make a scene, it doesn't do anything but make other uncomfortable, and makes them not want to be around when you start something. If you feel you must, start another room so that you can say whatever you please without making it difficult for everyone else to enjoy their fun.
And I'm NOT saying that this is something that only you have to do. I have to learn to try and think more about what my actions wil mean to others and how it will impact them. And I need to learn not to let my temper get the better of me, despite how much it tempt me to do or say things that, at that moment, I'd been wanting to let out. I'm willing to work towards a change. And whether you're willing to work with me as well, I leave to you. But I will do my best to be more considerate.
As such, to everyone else, who is either indifferent to me, or who perhaps thinks of me in friendly terms, I ask you this: If you notice that I am starting to get out of hand, whether in a chat, an IM, or some other means of communication, that you take me aside and talk to me. Privately of course. No need to make a scene. And be honest, but please don't be rude. Just tell me that I'm starting to get a little overboard. I often have a bad habit of not realizing I'm repeatedly shooting myself in the foot. Also, if there's an issue you have with something I've said, or perhaps written (such as my PCA writing pieces), again feel free to contact me and discuss them. I'm more than willing to take the time to listen to your concerns. It doesn't that I'll necessarily do as you say, but I will take the time to consider what you've said, as long as you so in a respectful manner.
I want to have fun in this project as much as many of you. I admit, I've made a rather sizeable share of screw-ups along the way. Darius being one such unsuccessful experiment. However, I was rather pleased that, while you agreed his role as principal was over, that you enjoyed his character and personality, with some of you on the forums boards requesting his continued presence. While that decision isn't in my hands, it's good to know that the experience wasn't a complete and total failure. I'll do my best to work around that, and improve further. For example, the current event, Beach Field Day.
Thank you for your time, and your consideration of the abovementioned issues.
kompy, I'm going to come forward and come clean about some stuff, regarding some things that I've done when it comes to the PCA.To paraphrase someone I've chatted with, who will remain unnamed out of the fact that, while I have no love for this individual, I have the civility to know go around dropping names of people I dislike:
"I don't give a shit about how people feel. I don't pay attention unless it actively interests me. And that I've treated people like shit, and that when it comes back to bite me, I act like a victim."
These aren't his exact words, but it's a close approximation. And for the most part, he's fairly accurate. I didn't (and still don't) really care what people think or feel about me, and I don't always take into consideration how they feel when I do something. A rather keen example, was the Journal that was posted on the PCA account which started this entire fiasco, which lead us to this point.
While the contents of said journal, could very indeed be seen as a personal attack, that wasn't the intention. It is true, I did not, in the course of writing that journal, ask for any approval on it's contents, nor stop to consider the possible consequences of posting that material. If I had, likely a great deal of the drama that occured could've been avoided, I'll admit that. I had simply desired to take a more active role in trying to make sure that the masses of the PCA community, remained informed and up to date. But then, they say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.
As for treating people like shit, again I won't drop the names of said people, but they know who they are. In one instance, I was present during a chat in which a few of these aforementioned people were sitting around, and openly making terrible remarks about the quality, or rather the lack thereof, of artwork and whatnot, submitted by other people in the PCA community.
I found this rather aggravating and disconcerting. It seemed completely unfair, that these people considered themselves the judge of what was "quality" material, and had come to the belief that the artists/writers/etc that they were poking fun at, were somehow obviously no good. What bothered me the most, was that, at some time in the past, I use to be one of them. I use to partake in said ribbing on these artists, for no other reason than shits and giggles.
And I'm really not to proud of having done that. I came to a realization, that in making fun of them, which included the drawing of joke pictures and comments worded as thinly veiled insults at these people, we, who were trying to perhaps set an example for the community, were nothing more than trolls. What then really got me unnerved, was the fact that these people tried to explain their actions as "artistic criticism." That, because these images drawn by other artists weren't appealing to their sense of taste or value, that it was completely justified in making rude remarks about them, to "teach" them to do better.
Unfortunately for me, I let my aggravation get the better of me, and I said a few things I really shouldn't have said. And I do regret having said them. However, I have made no attempts to apologize, mostly because these people apparently don't want to hear it, based on the pokes and jabs they now direct at me. But, I'll do it anyway, at least because I should've done it right away: I apologize for the rude and immature statements I made about you.
Also, two people have recently returned to chatting with our group, who were previously absent. And no sooner do they show up, then they begin to dig into me, for my mistakes and screw-ups. All the while I do my best to remain stoic, and to not respond in kind. But, I find it odd, that these two come back, to a place they know I visit, despite both of them disliking to me a severe degree. I have remained civil and polite since their return. I simply believe that they need to try and act the same. They both made a choice to come back. I'm not saying that they have to like me, or act like friends. However, a measure of tolerance wouldn't hurt.
Kompy has tried to ask that I talk to them, and attempt to at least work through some of the issues. However, as they have repeatedly displayed, they have no such interest in any reconciliation at all, based on all the various statements they've made, including one inparticular: "Half the PCA's problems would be solved if you went away."
Perhaps that's true. But I'm not going to leave, I'm not going to disappear. I joined this project and community, because of Kompy. Without her, I wouldn't have found this place, which has been the source of much inspiration, and without whom I wouldn't have met some of the people that I've come to respect and admire. I suppose that, as long as Kompy remains, I have a reason to remain as well. She is one of my dearest friends, despite having only known each other for a little over 2 years or so.
Again, I'm not asking that you, those people who dislike me, and I just be best buds or anything. I'm not going to ask that you change your opinion of me, either. You don't have to like me, or the things that I do. But, if we're going to be in this community, there needs to be some amount of tolerance, if only for the sake of not creating any further drama or damage than has already been done. I'm fairly certain that
dh01 would want that, at the very least.Edit: Also, if you feel that you really just cannot even pretend to tolerate me, then I ask that you consider the other people who are present when you go to try and make a spectacle by trying to make a jab at me. I'm fairly certain that they don't like being witnesses to drama, or flys on the wall either. So, if for no one else, think of the others, and their feelings. Because if you go and make a scene, it doesn't do anything but make other uncomfortable, and makes them not want to be around when you start something. If you feel you must, start another room so that you can say whatever you please without making it difficult for everyone else to enjoy their fun.
And I'm NOT saying that this is something that only you have to do. I have to learn to try and think more about what my actions wil mean to others and how it will impact them. And I need to learn not to let my temper get the better of me, despite how much it tempt me to do or say things that, at that moment, I'd been wanting to let out. I'm willing to work towards a change. And whether you're willing to work with me as well, I leave to you. But I will do my best to be more considerate.
As such, to everyone else, who is either indifferent to me, or who perhaps thinks of me in friendly terms, I ask you this: If you notice that I am starting to get out of hand, whether in a chat, an IM, or some other means of communication, that you take me aside and talk to me. Privately of course. No need to make a scene. And be honest, but please don't be rude. Just tell me that I'm starting to get a little overboard. I often have a bad habit of not realizing I'm repeatedly shooting myself in the foot. Also, if there's an issue you have with something I've said, or perhaps written (such as my PCA writing pieces), again feel free to contact me and discuss them. I'm more than willing to take the time to listen to your concerns. It doesn't that I'll necessarily do as you say, but I will take the time to consider what you've said, as long as you so in a respectful manner.
I want to have fun in this project as much as many of you. I admit, I've made a rather sizeable share of screw-ups along the way. Darius being one such unsuccessful experiment. However, I was rather pleased that, while you agreed his role as principal was over, that you enjoyed his character and personality, with some of you on the forums boards requesting his continued presence. While that decision isn't in my hands, it's good to know that the experience wasn't a complete and total failure. I'll do my best to work around that, and improve further. For example, the current event, Beach Field Day.
Thank you for your time, and your consideration of the abovementioned issues.
Not a jab, honestly curious.
Do note that I have always, and will always, include myself in the above statement. :V
Honestly, it's the stance I take with Darius. Yeah, in the grand scheme of things, he was a failure. But I wasn't trying to please everyone, or do what everyone thought would be the best thing. I was trying to have fun, and make something interesting. Because in the end, not everyone will be pleased. It's just not possible. So, you should care about the people who do like your work, who are your friends. They're the ones that should matter.
It's just that... be it good or bad I seek... "Validation" either my work needs inproving, or it's great. I honestly don't care what I hear as long as I get some comment on it... heck even if it's an insult I find it pleasing that someone took the time to write it because of "My" work... weird I know...
To my count from reading another journal a while ago, you made two goofs, with two very strong characters who were too strong for their own good. True, I hated Darius, but it's only towards Darius. (I dunno, his attitude and procedure for the school kinda pissed me off.) I hold no anger towards you, the creator of the character.
Trust me if people got pissed at the guy who drew the characters, I'd have a few people after me for pissing them off with my ghastly morph (he's a prankster).
All in all, don't worry about it. Just keep having fun in the community.