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Irrational Fears~ Cars
9 years ago
General
I have been pretty terrified of cars since I was a teenager.
I was in a bad accident with my brother driving when I was 16, we hit a wall going about (the police told us) 83 mph, and for years every time I closed my eyes I would see that wall coming at me, I would feel that pain, I would feel the wind knocked out of me, I would see the ambulance. It has always terrified me.
As an adult this has affected me so much that I didn't get my licence until I was 21, and for about 4 years after that, I didn't drive, I could hardly be a passenger, because my anxiety would get so bad as soon as I climbed in the car I would always have a panic attack, even when going slow.
After I met Lee, he slowly started helping me through this fear, I was ok to be a passenger, and slowly he even taught me how to drive an automatic. I got to the point where in an automatic, my anxiety was so low it just didn't bother me as much.
A month ago my big brother, Russell, gave me a car. He dropped it off here and I was terrified because it was a manual transmission. I had to work so hard to be able to drive an automatic, the idea of MORE to focus on while driving scared me so bad every time I looked at the car sitting there, I would almost break down in tears.
Lee just recently got a second job, telling me he didn't want me working because he wants me to continue pursuing my dreams of art as a career. He has always been so supportive. But he was riding his bike to both of his jobs, and I could see how exhausting that was to him. There was a working car sitting right there, I was legal to drive it, but my fears stopped me every time.
On Wednesday I finally called my mom and asked her to come teach me how to drive the car. I couldn't just sit here and watch Lee work that hard and be all on his own, I needed to do something to at least help. She came over and walked me through it, and spent 3 hours teaching me everything she could.
I was finally able to drive the car without killing it. I was so excited, I HAD to show Lee. I waited for him to get home, and suggested we go get some energy drinks from the store, exhausted he didn't want to ride the bike, so I told him to get in the car, and surprised him by driving us up there.
Now I face another irrational fear.
We have a main road going through our city, with a lot of cars and stuff. I HATE being around other cars, if I could take the back road everywhere I would, but Lee's second job is on that main road, so there is no way around it.
I am trying so hard to get past this, but every time I come close to that main road, it's like I hit that wall again. I panic, I can't breath, it's like I got the air knocked out of my lungs again.
I know it will pass with time and practice, but I don't have the time to wait.
I have to go pick him up from work in a few hours, which means I will be on that main road in this car I just learned how to drive.
It scares me and it shouldn't.
I need to work up some courage fast.
I learned how to fly an airplane several years back. I used to be so scared sometimes when flying, fearing that I might simply "fall out of the sky." Especially when it came time for my first solo flight. I just had to keep at it until the fear went away.
My therapist wasn't great either, only seeing me for 30 minutes every other week and often times not talking about anything really important
When I was younger, I've seen a truck crash into a car next to our bus stop, nobody got seriously injured but it held me off to get my driving license as swiftly as people would have liked and even after I got it, I hated driving around because of this immense fear of having an accident.
This fear even went worse when I had my Fiancee, where I was scared to actually harm her in an accident and driving around exhausted me massively, but in the end after the relationship broke apart... I got more courage in driving around, don't ask me why.
It might be because I had to drive a short distance every day I went to college, it might be because I have confidence in my own skills to avoid bad situations and rather take it slowly when a uncertain situation arises.
Have to admit, the roads are sometimes full with idiots (even in germany), and in my opinion getting a driving license and a car at the age of 16 isn't the healthiest thing to get, so you can never be sure what's going to happen, but you can always give your best to get better at things that scare you.