I think the hardest part about him passing, is how everyone is thinking I am selfish because I don't want to keep talking, because I am having a hard time calling and keeping in touch. I am not allowed to miss him at this point, I am reminded that mom is more important than how I feel, because I owe it to her for raising me. That my true colors are of an ass without even saying it, I can see between the lines, I can read the words. I'm not stupid..

Actually for a fact, I cry every time I see something my dad enjoyed or loved, I cry when I think about him and I wish I could hear him laugh. I want to call him and talk to him, I have it hard but I am not allowed to have those feelings it seems. I am supposed to suck it up and be the shoulder and wall the others need when I barely can be that for myself, I have been feeling sick for the past few days on an off, just gross and icky. I don't know why, I am trying to cope with things but everytime I even look at my social medias I am reminded and get messaged over it. I am sorry that I have doctors appointments and everything, I am sorry that I cry over everything that reminds me of my father.

Sorry that I don't have a cellphone to keep in touch twenty-four seven and maybe... Maybe I just want to mourn peacefully because crying is not making me feel better. I am not allowed the time I need, I have to be there for everyone else instead of myself. Being told what I don't love my mom?" Really, assuming that is wrong... What do they want from me? How am I supposed to help?

Daddy I wish you were here so I could figure stuff out, I don't know what to do anymore at this point. I am trying to keep myself healthy and to do what I know you'd want dad.. But it's becoming to much and I am slowly just hiding in my own self.