When life is heavy and hurting your back
When the light at the end of the tunnel turns black

I close my eyes, hoping to see the light
Hoping to escape all of this blight
I awaken just to be robbed of sight
Purging all of my will, all of my fight

My stance weakens, my shoulders are strained
My future bleakens, destiny pained

To you i give the shards of all my hope
Stab me with the ones that will let me cope

Or take what i held so close to my heart
And use them to tear my soul apart
Perhaps this end will grant a new start

Collect my shards and put me together
Or cast me to the depths of the neather
Whatever you choose. Ill love you forever.


Like my give a fuck jar is empty. Facebook and FA have both cast me unto the shadows of loneliness and resemble shells of the old active profiles. Id log on here and see at minimum 8 new comments and 5 notes and a couple watches. On facebook id have a shit ton of notifications. Now, i look amongst the empty carcass of what used to be a social media site...bowill ave now become one mans ramblings and feelings echoing to oblivion. Cursed by past fuck ups and typecast as a selfish and inchoate, imperically drama loving person.
I have to take a quote from zootopia. If the world will only ever see you as a shifty, unloyal and deceptive Fox...then there is no reason to try and be anything else.

Like ive tried to reverse the foundation disintegration but it has become evident that no amount of effort and dedication to my personal objective will ever be able to reclaim the ways of the past.

But WHY? I think its because...ive damaged my extroverted perception beyond any hopeful reconstruction. And...because time changes people. Time is the one thing that will garauntee a change in something.
Sometimes for the good....but, like in my life, mostly for the worse.

I have no irl friends because an ex destroyed all of my friendships over the four year hell of a relationship. I wasnt allowed friends...i had quite a few....now. None. I want an active social life...but it seems as though even that is an unattainable goal as well.

So on this day, i declare the last FUCK has been given and no more will follow. I dont care because there is no end point to it. Im not gonna be nice because being nice has not gotten me shit...

I had a friend i met on grindr...he was an amazing person. We were actually friends. He was 38 and he used to weigh 628 pounds before his weight reduction surgery. He said that with me,it wasnt just about the sex. He thought i was a genuinely great person. Great company. And just a week after we met...he invited me on a week long trip to texas. I was a virtual stranger but he trusted me because he said im easy to talk to and have a sweet soul. We were good friends for a month...this is after that 4 year hell of a relationship.......we were fuck buddies but friends as well....but, he had an ex...a girl. The first he ever loved...love was dead to him because of this failed relationship. She got into contact with him and they got together...so no more sex...i was completely okay with that because we were FRIENDS........then, he asked me to meet him at mcdonalds....i knew what was going to happen. I met up with him and he told me that this girl is in a church of some sort. He loves this girl. The only girl hed live a straight life for...and he said that he wanted to get into that church....but to do so...he couldnt have friends like me. He was doing this because he wanted to be with the one that he loved first..........i was crushed...i had to lose a friend...the closest friend ive ever had. And...i wasnt mad....i couldnt be. His situation is one that is a rare moment on the scale of the world...and...i couldnt be mad about such a beautiful thing transpiring. I was hurt yes...but i knew that he wanted to be happy...i had to let him go...and i was okay with it even though it wrenched my heart out. I cried for a solid 2 hours...he was the first best friend i ever had....but, i want him to be happy. So. I didnt harbor any bad feelings. I just wished him an amazing life.


AND WHAT DO I GET FOR SUCH A HEART BREAKING EXPERIENCE?!?!?!?! nothing. I still hold no resentment towards him. My kindness and caring nature has gotten me FUCK ALL in my life....so...i no longer give a fuck.