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Another Summer Down with Remembrance
9 years ago
The rains hare returned and the chill is getting harsher with each darkening night here in the Alaskan Bush. It's been a phenominal summer and I am very thankful for the friends who have been there to experience it with me as we've criss crossed the state on hiking roadtrips. I am, at the same time, saddened by the untimely passing of Phoxtayl/Thom 
phoxtayl. We've known each other since early High School, were roommates before we knew we were both furs, and I am very thankful that I got to hang out with him at MFF last year. In fact, it wasn't until we were both on Furtopia, posting at the same time, where we realized who the other person's online fursona was. :) We were at the same time table, our computers opposite each other, when he gave me this look.
"Sii?"
"Phoxtayl?"
"Holy shit! That's awesome!"
He was a great friend and will be missed. Wherever you are now, I hope you are happy and living the life you've dreamed of.
It is moments like this where I look back at the darker moments of my own life and realize just how far I have come. When I was brooding and isolated, growing up as an angsty teen, it was so easy to get lost in the day-to-day struggle of life, especially when life itself seems to contain very little change. At the time, looking up into the stars longingly, I never would have dreamed that I'd be living in Alaska now. When Wiley moved up, I was a tad envious! We never know what life is going to have in store for us in the future, good and bad.
Between the glaciers, the bush planes, and the fact that shit just goes wrong, I've had a few close calls up here. I have been tested professionally and personally in ways that school never trained me for. All in all, I am thankful to be doing what I love and for the people who support me. I do my best to never feel alone, despite how difficult that can be when you look out and feel like you are literally the only person in the world. When I go out into nature, it is an odd paradox of feeling connected to eveything and yet also alone. In a way, that isolation shields me from much of the grief that I think I would experience otherwise. Last week, we were out in the bush, probably 20 miles from the nearest human being, with a calving glacier into a lake as our private campsite. It was beautiful, a bit scary, and very raw in its natural power and unpredictability. In these spaces, it doesn't matter if we go home safe or get killed by a rockslide. The world moves on. It has no favorites. It's a very sobering, somewhat depressing and terrifying, yet also beautiful with its fairness, realization. It causes me to remember how important it is that we create a better future for ourselves as a species, to remember that we ultimately have the ability, whether it ends up being realized or not, of shaping this world and creating new ones.
There is no such thing as a quarter or midlife crisis. In reality, I think there is the 5-yearly crisis, and I feel myself at that stage again as I weigh my life's options going forward. I've always been too hung up on the future, too conscious of the butterfly effect of day-to-day events that, when I do let myself go and live in the moment, it can occasionally lead to situations where the spectre of death is imminent. Since I've used FA to focus exclusively on building up my own anthro art skills (and failing due to too much time with games lol), there is a lot of creative work that never gets posted here.
I will continue to acquire new commissions, though, contributing to the fandom monetarily when I can. I suppose one reason I don't do much art is because everyone else is putting out so much great art already. :)
I hope you all had a good summer, and I hope the fall brings new opportunities and potential. I feel a good soundtrack for this journal, for those of you interested in trance, would be Kyau & Albert's About The Sun (Original Mix): https://youtu.be/clvgSxnc5pA
phoxtayl. We've known each other since early High School, were roommates before we knew we were both furs, and I am very thankful that I got to hang out with him at MFF last year. In fact, it wasn't until we were both on Furtopia, posting at the same time, where we realized who the other person's online fursona was. :) We were at the same time table, our computers opposite each other, when he gave me this look."Sii?"
"Phoxtayl?"
"Holy shit! That's awesome!"
He was a great friend and will be missed. Wherever you are now, I hope you are happy and living the life you've dreamed of.
It is moments like this where I look back at the darker moments of my own life and realize just how far I have come. When I was brooding and isolated, growing up as an angsty teen, it was so easy to get lost in the day-to-day struggle of life, especially when life itself seems to contain very little change. At the time, looking up into the stars longingly, I never would have dreamed that I'd be living in Alaska now. When Wiley moved up, I was a tad envious! We never know what life is going to have in store for us in the future, good and bad.
Between the glaciers, the bush planes, and the fact that shit just goes wrong, I've had a few close calls up here. I have been tested professionally and personally in ways that school never trained me for. All in all, I am thankful to be doing what I love and for the people who support me. I do my best to never feel alone, despite how difficult that can be when you look out and feel like you are literally the only person in the world. When I go out into nature, it is an odd paradox of feeling connected to eveything and yet also alone. In a way, that isolation shields me from much of the grief that I think I would experience otherwise. Last week, we were out in the bush, probably 20 miles from the nearest human being, with a calving glacier into a lake as our private campsite. It was beautiful, a bit scary, and very raw in its natural power and unpredictability. In these spaces, it doesn't matter if we go home safe or get killed by a rockslide. The world moves on. It has no favorites. It's a very sobering, somewhat depressing and terrifying, yet also beautiful with its fairness, realization. It causes me to remember how important it is that we create a better future for ourselves as a species, to remember that we ultimately have the ability, whether it ends up being realized or not, of shaping this world and creating new ones.
There is no such thing as a quarter or midlife crisis. In reality, I think there is the 5-yearly crisis, and I feel myself at that stage again as I weigh my life's options going forward. I've always been too hung up on the future, too conscious of the butterfly effect of day-to-day events that, when I do let myself go and live in the moment, it can occasionally lead to situations where the spectre of death is imminent. Since I've used FA to focus exclusively on building up my own anthro art skills (and failing due to too much time with games lol), there is a lot of creative work that never gets posted here.
I will continue to acquire new commissions, though, contributing to the fandom monetarily when I can. I suppose one reason I don't do much art is because everyone else is putting out so much great art already. :)
I hope you all had a good summer, and I hope the fall brings new opportunities and potential. I feel a good soundtrack for this journal, for those of you interested in trance, would be Kyau & Albert's About The Sun (Original Mix): https://youtu.be/clvgSxnc5pA
Hope all is well with you up there.