I'm going to start off by saying, this isn't a way to inform people about my birthday...techincally. It is and it isn't. It is, because yes it mentions my birthday. It isn't, because I don't expect people to get me any presents. I appreciate them, surely, but I don't really deserve them right now. Nor need them. There are far better things to spend time, effort, and money on than myself. But...my birthday is this Friday, the 19th. Five days. It's something that, rather than joy, is bringing me a lot of anxiety and sadness. For several reasons. First and foremost, I'm going to be leaving town this Tuesday and heading to San Diego until Saturday. Why? Because I'm going to be scattering my father's ashes on the 18th, at a beach my family used to go on a weekly basis and just...relax. It was a place of childhood innocence, and I enjoyed it a lot. I'm not going to say it's tainted by this, it'll always be fine in my memories. But...this is it. This is the end of the road for my father. And the day after, that's my 21st birthday. And we had so many plans for it. It was going to be the first birthday we had a big party for, inviting all my friends over, and just for once...for once having a good time. There's still gonna be a big party. Most of my family is going to be there, and we're going to be out somewhere in San Diego. But it's gonna be missing the person I consider most important, my father.

I think if the funeral had been earlier, if the mourning period had been finished before it instead of delayed by the constant legal issues and my mother, then this would be easier. But...the fact of the matter is such a somber event is supposed to proceed my most important birthday, turning 21, it's...it's left me a bit emotionally out of it. I have been barely able to sleep these last few days, at least at normal times. I have to stay up as late as possible until my mind is just too tired to...let's leave it think stupid shit. To list what causes my breakdowns would be far too long to discuss here. That would require a different journal. Ultimately, however, the isolation from people here in Tuscon due to various circumstances and my father's abense have been made more prominant among them due to this. It keeps me up at night, and I get tired of having emotional episodes in bed. So...I just needed to vent. I am hoping, very much hoping that, for once that I trip I'm taking goes to plan and everything is smooth. Once I'm back too, hopefully, I'll be able to return to writing a little more often. The stress of things will have somehow lessened. I also have a therapy appointment two days after I get back, so that'll be nice. Anyway, just wanted to get that out of my head. I hope everyone else has a great week, and I promise I'll get some more content up soon!