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I'm sorry, very sorry.
9 years ago
General
Well, here goes...
Now that you people know that I'm not dead, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the hurt, anguish and pain I've caused.
At the urging of my long time (35 years) associate, Jim Groat, I'm bearing it all here. I'm leaving this journal up for the sole purpose of giving you all an opportunity to vent your anger, frustration, and if need be hate. I ask no forgiveness for what I did and expect none.
I lost my ability to draw in '08 and I felt that my heart had been torn out. Drawing had become ingrained in my soul. Since my association with the furry community was tenuous at best, I felt even more alienated then before. I opened a FA page but my ego got in my way and I posted way too much. I received few comments on my work, which made it even worse.
In '12 I lost my home, that some of you had even visited. I was exiled to the hell hole where I currently reside and it's lonely and depressing.
Last year I became very ill with a severe infection that I couldn't figure out. It turns the poison permeated my entire body. Had I not had my big toe amputated I would have died in a few days, The docs then discovered I was anemic and only hours to live.
Finally cured of that I had learn to walk again.
Upon coming home I was even more sad and lonely. It was then that I decided to "die", because I figured none of you cared...I was wrong, very wrong. I had no idea that anyone even cared and I apologize to all of you from the bottom of my heart! I posted this to give all of you an opportunity to vent your anger towards me. Feel free to let it all out. I ask for and expect no forgiveness.
Again, my heartfelt apologies to everyone here. Goodbye to all of you, because it's likely that you will hate me, and I guess I can't blame any of you. Goodby I'll leave this post up long enough for all of you to vent your anger. I will eventually remove it and just disappear. Again, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for the trouble I've caused
Goodby everyone and I want everyone that none of this was done to hurt anyone but to give me a dignified way out. Well I was wrong, dead wrong!
I'm sorry, very sorry.
Goodbye, Robert/Vawlkee.
Now that you people know that I'm not dead, I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the hurt, anguish and pain I've caused.
At the urging of my long time (35 years) associate, Jim Groat, I'm bearing it all here. I'm leaving this journal up for the sole purpose of giving you all an opportunity to vent your anger, frustration, and if need be hate. I ask no forgiveness for what I did and expect none.
I lost my ability to draw in '08 and I felt that my heart had been torn out. Drawing had become ingrained in my soul. Since my association with the furry community was tenuous at best, I felt even more alienated then before. I opened a FA page but my ego got in my way and I posted way too much. I received few comments on my work, which made it even worse.
In '12 I lost my home, that some of you had even visited. I was exiled to the hell hole where I currently reside and it's lonely and depressing.
Last year I became very ill with a severe infection that I couldn't figure out. It turns the poison permeated my entire body. Had I not had my big toe amputated I would have died in a few days, The docs then discovered I was anemic and only hours to live.
Finally cured of that I had learn to walk again.
Upon coming home I was even more sad and lonely. It was then that I decided to "die", because I figured none of you cared...I was wrong, very wrong. I had no idea that anyone even cared and I apologize to all of you from the bottom of my heart! I posted this to give all of you an opportunity to vent your anger towards me. Feel free to let it all out. I ask for and expect no forgiveness.
Again, my heartfelt apologies to everyone here. Goodbye to all of you, because it's likely that you will hate me, and I guess I can't blame any of you. Goodby I'll leave this post up long enough for all of you to vent your anger. I will eventually remove it and just disappear. Again, I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart for the trouble I've caused
Goodby everyone and I want everyone that none of this was done to hurt anyone but to give me a dignified way out. Well I was wrong, dead wrong!
I'm sorry, very sorry.
Goodbye, Robert/Vawlkee.
I am glad of that.
I feel bad you felt you had no option but to do things the way you did, in retrospect they could have been done better.
From my viewpoint, I find out that you aren't dead first so that's awesome for me at least and thusly i'm not going to be annoyed or angry with you.
If you need a break. we'll be here when you come back.
If you need someone to talk to, I'm always available.
No need to leave. You will always be welcome here.
How about keeping the friendships you have alive, so don't go hiding yourself away.
Blessings and be safe.
Kriss aka femm
Stay well and never think you're forgotten by everyone.
Heck some of the guys here even remember me. :)
We are glad to know you are alive, and many hope to keep hearing g from you.
Main thing is you aren't dead, that's the important part. Plus be sure you talk to the doctors seeking mental health. Promise me this!!!
And no, I don't hate you for what you did, just hurt aND annoyed. You aren't on the same level of hate like I have for Martin. Trust me, if you were, you'd know fast.
Get your hind end over to the Prancing Skiltaire so we can hug you.
Ain't got no time for hate, to busy doing fun things and not so fun things.
And now that you know that people are at worst peeved with you, not ready to kick you to the curb, you might feel less lonely if you keep in touch with your friends. Just a suggestion.
I really think you should stay and be more active. You were wrong that people wouldn't care about your being gone; obviously we did. So, why would we be happy that you're leaving the site and withdrawing?
Stay. Find some things that make you happy and engage with people here.
I wish you nothing but the best.
Anyways, glad your able to walk again.
I'm glad you made it through the infection without losing more than your toe. I've lost loved ones to such infections and it was terrible so.
Your life and the problems dragging you down are not things you need to apologize for.
Hope you get yourself back on your feet and life treats you better in the future.
I don't condone what you did.. However, this isn't my first rodeo. Furs have done this before so you weren't the first and you will not be the last. You just need to take it easy and step back before you do the things that you might do Robert. Every action has a consequence.. believe me I know.
Just.. try to take care of yourself ok?
This isn't about what you owe 'us', but what you owe yourself.
What you're going through, HAVE been going through, sucks. No lie there. I'm not going to suggest you go back to art or anything else. I'm only going to make one suggestion. One question....
What one little thing do you still have 'fun' with? Doesn't matter what it is; just one thing that can still bring something even close to a smile to your heart?
Do that. Follow That. If it's still art, then do it. If it's singing, belt it out in the shower. Archery? See if you can re-create Robin Hood's split arrow shot. Poetry? Put a Vogon to shame!
I've, basically, put my life and heart on 'hold' for a decade because I needed to.... long story. But if you still have a chance to come out of where you are, the 'Nothing' that's been gnawing on you..... then I think all the posts before mine will tell you, we WANT you to feel better.
We don't hate you. We will not pity you.
We want 'better' for you.
A lot of us don't want you to leave the fandom, but we can't convince you to stay if you don't want to.
Whatever happens, I really hope you're able to do as Shujin suggests and find something that you enjoy and throw yourself into it, whether it's a hobby or volunteerism or something else.
I was just kinda... shaken and in a funk for a few days after I found out (through IM, if you couldn't guess). I just, kinda needed some time to process.
And I understand the need to ... I dunno, push and pull people away at the same time. I'm glad you had an outpouring of support in the interim.
Hope to talk to you again.
I have a not so secret love of your sheepette art and I hope more of that comes back up, always makes me smile.