so much has happened over the last few months that i'm feeling such a vibrant and overwhelming mix of emotions and a lot of it isn't good ones... and as i'm trying to work through it, i'm finding myself more and more alienated from everyone and everything i held dear for so long and it's heart wrenching. i'm trying to focus all this negative into positive by forcing it into creativity but it isn't working as well as i was hoping, and it really is wearing me down... i'm fighting to keep myself social... to make some new friends... to reach out, in many ways, and not become the hermit again like i was for so much of my life... part of me wants to just go back to that, to realize that i'm pretty much alone in this world and can't let anyone in too far... but part of me won't let me give up on people and i just keep getting hurt and alienated and the cycle won't break no matter which way i approach things. i really want my life back, and to not feel this need for the love or comradery of another person... but i can't seem to shake that need now that i've opened myself up to others. i can no longer be 100% emotionally independent like w was when i was young and knew that no one really cared enough to open up to me the same way i have to them when i get close to someone. i knew my parents were self absorbed, that my friends and their parents weren't that great of people and they would always purposely leave me out for the dumbest of reasons (and when i later learned what those reasons i was so shunned in my neighborhood were... it was a lot less eye opening than it should have been). i really hate people... i really hate trying... i really just want to be able to be alone and say fuck the world. my emotional needs have never been anywhere near met, and the few times it felt like they were going to be was just a huge tease. i'm really tired, and i can't keep fighting this fight. i'm getting desperate to find a way to numb this constant ache in my heart, but the only ways i know are things i'd rather avoid, and i was never one to run from my feelings before this... i've always tried to work things out and never bottle up my emotions, never just dull my pains, never just run from things... but i don't know, i guess i'm going to have to break my own creeds and codes just to make it through this without complete self-destruction...

i don't know how normal people deal with things the way they do... it just doesn't work for me... and most people i've been close with now seem to see me more as an annoyance or something similar in nature for the most part... i'm just so done. what do i even fucking do from this point?