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No Agenda / auf Wiedersehen
9 years ago
General
Hello you. Time to come clean - you deserve that much for everything you’ve given me through the years.
For the past couple months as you all know, I’ve been pretty silent and reclusive. I’m very sorry for the extended absence, and any worry it might have caused. I had a mental breakdown. A few too many things at once all started to become terrifyingly apparent to me, and a big one was my art and end goals for it. I can’t keep on pretending and keeping it all together on life support. My absence has been a rolling ride of emotions and attempts to get some sort of medication that “works” for me. I’m pretty rattled, and I’ve got nothing left. I feel like a hollowed-out, directionless shell. Had it not been for family, I wouldn’t be here writing this letter. The good news is that I’m finally as stable as I think I’ll be able to get through drugs alone. Though it’s a hell of a feeling to not be able to really feel or dwell on sadness, even when encountering something you know for a fact usually breaks you up. It’s also a hell of a thing to be so depressed, confused, and detached that you literally can’t get out of bed, so as strange as things are for me now, it certainly beats the alternatives.
I understand that because of how little I put out there about myself, I might seem impersonal, aloof, or overly brusque. My profile here is intentionally skeletal. I’ve always been a very shy and guarded person. I don’t use social media at all. I feel as though I owe you a little bit of personal information though, as anonymous as it may be, so here goes. While the shyness and introvertedness was always there, it wasn’t always as severe - I wasn’t the most open or extroverted person, but I did really enjoy the intimacy of close relationships. I took a lot of pride in being there in a person’s time in need. Helping someone out I cared about meant everything to me. I took a lot of pride in being an emotional crutch when I needed to be, making sacrifices when I needed to. Maybe I’m just too naive, or dumb, maybe I just care too much - but nothing lasts forever. That wasn’t as apparent to me in the past as it is now, with all of my figurative walls. I put my heart into these people, whether they were friends or something more. There were deep, emotional roots embedded there from my heart to theirs, just something that happens when you get so close to someone, especially with intent to help them. On more than one occasion, I’ve had people confide in me that they didn’t think the kindness and sympathy I tried to show and give out was genuine until they knew me better. That made me sad, to know that the norm was people weren’t expected to show that sort of kindness without wanting something for themselves in return. Isn’t that fucked?
But things happen. People move. We fight. There are misunderstandings. I end up hurting the people I care most about, and that hurts me in return more than they’ll ever know. When you’ve put a part of yourself, your heart and soul into people - you get blind. It’s all I cared about and what was on my mind, making sure they were OK and happy. Then, suddenly, it’s gone. Being so deeply embedded, it’s inevitable that you lose part of yourself with them. I still think about them all though, every day, sometimes in my waking thoughts. I’ve never gotten over any of them, and probably won’t if it’s been this long. These things kept happening, and building up. The walls got higher. The guard became more impenetrable, and eventually that part of me that wanted to connect was gone. This same intense, deeply-rooted connection I felt with people is the same feeling I have towards art.
Plain and simple: when it comes down to it, art just makes me sick now. I've long-since forgotten how to just draw and enjoy it for the simple reason of "drawing is fun." I took some art courses from a professional who’s spent some time as a concept artist, illustrator, and has been all over the artistic field. I went in specifically to learn how to improve my work and see what it takes to really push for that industry standard. The results were disheartening. I hated the class, through no fault of the instructor or lessons, but because I hated painting and rendering. For me, it’s grueling, hard work I’m not interested with in the least. Everything I felt going through the class post-design phase was the opposite of the enjoyment I get out of sketching out initial ideas for something, trying out different variations, and doing a rough color job to say “okay, that’s the idea - I want to move on to the next one now.”
When I understood that the former was something I’d have to do regularly, quickly, efficiently, competently, and for late hours, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I understand full-well what the very talented artists had to do and sacrifice (and still do) to get to the level where they are. It really pains me to admit and see that I don’t have it in me to do the same. The people who are my competition, on sites like Arstation - between them and I, there is no competition. My work is less than mediocre when compared to theirs. The stress I put on myself to try and desperately get to this level made me care too much about what my art looks like, and how it’s done. The thought of drawing alone is associated with dread and forced work, and the thought of having to do as a job makes me physically sick. A couple years into doing commissions and overworking myself to do better and better, and art hadn’t been fun for a while, even before my breakdown. Just a job to do. The realization of all of this was the final nail in the coffin. The hope that I would be able to work as a concept artist or something similar was the only thing that was really driving me forward with art, since I no longer got any joy out of it.
I’ve never considered doing anything else my entire life other than being a concept artist. I have no other interests. I have no other talents. I have no other desires. All I’ve ever wanted to do was create and draw, and I thought I’d be absolutely set and be living the dream if I could get a job doing that. Nobody ever told me otherwise, and my whole life I’d been encouraged and saw signs that I was going down the right path, that I had the right stuff, that someday this would really be a job I would hold. I could finally let my guards down, make friends with like-minded creative types, people at work who I really and sincerely wanted to like and get to know. I would be happy and everything that has been floating without a landing in sight would finally be tethered safely to this anchor.
If I’m not good enough to meet a professional industry standard, how could I ever in good conscience ask for money for what I do? How, if it’s not good enough for my own standards, and I feel like I’m scheming and getting away with charging people for lackluster art? This might sound like a terrible or fake reason, but it’s the candid truth. I’ve always tried to live my life and govern myself strictly on what I feel is morally right and wrong, and most importantly absolute truthfulness and blunt honesty. I’ve never been the one to comfort anyone with the token “it’ll all be okay,” when it blatantly will not. I’m not going to point out how it won’t be okay, but something in me just doesn’t register that it’s right to lie to someone and give them false hope, even knowing that it would help comfort them. I find some other way to do it. That same something tells me it’s not right to continue on with commissions, let alone drawing for recreation. I thought maybe it was just my state of mind, but even after leveling out, I feel the same. I don’t miss it, but I haven’t found anything to fill the hole it left yet. Where to go from here, I’m not sure. I’ll figure it out, but drawing and the artist scene is certainly not a part of it. That part of me is gone right now.
I have no intention of deleting my entire gallery, deactivating this account, or anything destructive (knowing me, I’ll probably even lurk for a bit and stop in frequently). Instead, in case anyone is interested, I’ve spent the past couple of days making an entire library of art I’ve produced under this account available for download. Inside is everything ranging from personal art, gift art, all of my commissions, old folders of projects that never were, and more. The only things removed from this collection were over-sized working resolution duplicates, the .psd files, and certain folders / commissions that clients preferred to keep private. I’m nothing if not tidy, so everything should be easy enough to locate in the series of folders I had already organized it all with. As a disclaimer: there are a few adult artworks included, so by downloading the file you are also confirming that you’re 18+
https://mega.nz/#!vMcmCJSB!aqI-lKrh0p4b1Y8I8pHdmDhMFlSW3Mnu-DNrayl4XTE
Only the biggest and most humble thanks to everyone who’s been part of my presence here. I hope in some way, I added some positivity into your life! I’m so grateful for every comment, even in passing, and support through commissions and kind words. It gave me purpose, and a real sense of accomplishment. Having people genuinely be ecstatic with the things I made for them, being able to cheer people up, make their day, or just adding something good into their lives - that really was the most rewarding part of it all. Each of you helped me feel like I could still do some good and make people happy like I used to.
Thank you. Not as a blanket statement to everyone, but to you right now as a person I care about, reading these words, from me to you.
For the past couple months as you all know, I’ve been pretty silent and reclusive. I’m very sorry for the extended absence, and any worry it might have caused. I had a mental breakdown. A few too many things at once all started to become terrifyingly apparent to me, and a big one was my art and end goals for it. I can’t keep on pretending and keeping it all together on life support. My absence has been a rolling ride of emotions and attempts to get some sort of medication that “works” for me. I’m pretty rattled, and I’ve got nothing left. I feel like a hollowed-out, directionless shell. Had it not been for family, I wouldn’t be here writing this letter. The good news is that I’m finally as stable as I think I’ll be able to get through drugs alone. Though it’s a hell of a feeling to not be able to really feel or dwell on sadness, even when encountering something you know for a fact usually breaks you up. It’s also a hell of a thing to be so depressed, confused, and detached that you literally can’t get out of bed, so as strange as things are for me now, it certainly beats the alternatives.
I understand that because of how little I put out there about myself, I might seem impersonal, aloof, or overly brusque. My profile here is intentionally skeletal. I’ve always been a very shy and guarded person. I don’t use social media at all. I feel as though I owe you a little bit of personal information though, as anonymous as it may be, so here goes. While the shyness and introvertedness was always there, it wasn’t always as severe - I wasn’t the most open or extroverted person, but I did really enjoy the intimacy of close relationships. I took a lot of pride in being there in a person’s time in need. Helping someone out I cared about meant everything to me. I took a lot of pride in being an emotional crutch when I needed to be, making sacrifices when I needed to. Maybe I’m just too naive, or dumb, maybe I just care too much - but nothing lasts forever. That wasn’t as apparent to me in the past as it is now, with all of my figurative walls. I put my heart into these people, whether they were friends or something more. There were deep, emotional roots embedded there from my heart to theirs, just something that happens when you get so close to someone, especially with intent to help them. On more than one occasion, I’ve had people confide in me that they didn’t think the kindness and sympathy I tried to show and give out was genuine until they knew me better. That made me sad, to know that the norm was people weren’t expected to show that sort of kindness without wanting something for themselves in return. Isn’t that fucked?
But things happen. People move. We fight. There are misunderstandings. I end up hurting the people I care most about, and that hurts me in return more than they’ll ever know. When you’ve put a part of yourself, your heart and soul into people - you get blind. It’s all I cared about and what was on my mind, making sure they were OK and happy. Then, suddenly, it’s gone. Being so deeply embedded, it’s inevitable that you lose part of yourself with them. I still think about them all though, every day, sometimes in my waking thoughts. I’ve never gotten over any of them, and probably won’t if it’s been this long. These things kept happening, and building up. The walls got higher. The guard became more impenetrable, and eventually that part of me that wanted to connect was gone. This same intense, deeply-rooted connection I felt with people is the same feeling I have towards art.
Plain and simple: when it comes down to it, art just makes me sick now. I've long-since forgotten how to just draw and enjoy it for the simple reason of "drawing is fun." I took some art courses from a professional who’s spent some time as a concept artist, illustrator, and has been all over the artistic field. I went in specifically to learn how to improve my work and see what it takes to really push for that industry standard. The results were disheartening. I hated the class, through no fault of the instructor or lessons, but because I hated painting and rendering. For me, it’s grueling, hard work I’m not interested with in the least. Everything I felt going through the class post-design phase was the opposite of the enjoyment I get out of sketching out initial ideas for something, trying out different variations, and doing a rough color job to say “okay, that’s the idea - I want to move on to the next one now.”
When I understood that the former was something I’d have to do regularly, quickly, efficiently, competently, and for late hours, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I understand full-well what the very talented artists had to do and sacrifice (and still do) to get to the level where they are. It really pains me to admit and see that I don’t have it in me to do the same. The people who are my competition, on sites like Arstation - between them and I, there is no competition. My work is less than mediocre when compared to theirs. The stress I put on myself to try and desperately get to this level made me care too much about what my art looks like, and how it’s done. The thought of drawing alone is associated with dread and forced work, and the thought of having to do as a job makes me physically sick. A couple years into doing commissions and overworking myself to do better and better, and art hadn’t been fun for a while, even before my breakdown. Just a job to do. The realization of all of this was the final nail in the coffin. The hope that I would be able to work as a concept artist or something similar was the only thing that was really driving me forward with art, since I no longer got any joy out of it.
I’ve never considered doing anything else my entire life other than being a concept artist. I have no other interests. I have no other talents. I have no other desires. All I’ve ever wanted to do was create and draw, and I thought I’d be absolutely set and be living the dream if I could get a job doing that. Nobody ever told me otherwise, and my whole life I’d been encouraged and saw signs that I was going down the right path, that I had the right stuff, that someday this would really be a job I would hold. I could finally let my guards down, make friends with like-minded creative types, people at work who I really and sincerely wanted to like and get to know. I would be happy and everything that has been floating without a landing in sight would finally be tethered safely to this anchor.
If I’m not good enough to meet a professional industry standard, how could I ever in good conscience ask for money for what I do? How, if it’s not good enough for my own standards, and I feel like I’m scheming and getting away with charging people for lackluster art? This might sound like a terrible or fake reason, but it’s the candid truth. I’ve always tried to live my life and govern myself strictly on what I feel is morally right and wrong, and most importantly absolute truthfulness and blunt honesty. I’ve never been the one to comfort anyone with the token “it’ll all be okay,” when it blatantly will not. I’m not going to point out how it won’t be okay, but something in me just doesn’t register that it’s right to lie to someone and give them false hope, even knowing that it would help comfort them. I find some other way to do it. That same something tells me it’s not right to continue on with commissions, let alone drawing for recreation. I thought maybe it was just my state of mind, but even after leveling out, I feel the same. I don’t miss it, but I haven’t found anything to fill the hole it left yet. Where to go from here, I’m not sure. I’ll figure it out, but drawing and the artist scene is certainly not a part of it. That part of me is gone right now.
I have no intention of deleting my entire gallery, deactivating this account, or anything destructive (knowing me, I’ll probably even lurk for a bit and stop in frequently). Instead, in case anyone is interested, I’ve spent the past couple of days making an entire library of art I’ve produced under this account available for download. Inside is everything ranging from personal art, gift art, all of my commissions, old folders of projects that never were, and more. The only things removed from this collection were over-sized working resolution duplicates, the .psd files, and certain folders / commissions that clients preferred to keep private. I’m nothing if not tidy, so everything should be easy enough to locate in the series of folders I had already organized it all with. As a disclaimer: there are a few adult artworks included, so by downloading the file you are also confirming that you’re 18+
https://mega.nz/#!vMcmCJSB!aqI-lKrh0p4b1Y8I8pHdmDhMFlSW3Mnu-DNrayl4XTE
Only the biggest and most humble thanks to everyone who’s been part of my presence here. I hope in some way, I added some positivity into your life! I’m so grateful for every comment, even in passing, and support through commissions and kind words. It gave me purpose, and a real sense of accomplishment. Having people genuinely be ecstatic with the things I made for them, being able to cheer people up, make their day, or just adding something good into their lives - that really was the most rewarding part of it all. Each of you helped me feel like I could still do some good and make people happy like I used to.
Thank you. Not as a blanket statement to everyone, but to you right now as a person I care about, reading these words, from me to you.
I've had a very limited amount of conversation with you across my two commissions, but with that said:
The mind is a very powerful thing. While every situation is different for each person, I believe I may have had a similar experience while I was going through university.
Depression and anxiety crippled my ability to function. I stopped showering, I stopped going to classes, and I stopped caring. Indeed, things seemed so pointless, as if I had no reason to be there because the thing that thought I wanted to do with my life slowly became a hole which was, ironically, instead consuming it.
So yeah, in the end I had to do something else. Start from scratch. With the help of friends and family (And some medication), I think I'm on the right track and I wish the best of luck for you when doing the same. If you need a ear to be lent at anytime, let me know.
It makes me sad that I won't be seeing more of your (what I think is) great artwork, but that's selfish of me. I think you finding what your lot in life is far more important, and indeed you've made my day with the last paragraph :)
So thank you! I wish you luck on the next path you choose to travel.
Something that I've figured out over time is to never talk back at someone for liking my art. For as much as I might deplore it myself, that doesn't mean someone out there may not find it appealing. And you - you may not feel like you fit in the big professional art world. But perhaps, you don't need to. There are niches in this world one can fit in.
But if it's as you say and art as such no longer gives you any joy...
Best of luck in your future endeavours, wherever they might be.
The best thing is to get yourself in order and be happy. If drawing is hurting you, then the only sane option is to stop, even if that means a sore loss of such a great talent.
Hope you stay well and recover.
Going to hate not being able to get anymore awesome work from ya but that's of no concern. What I've gotten has been amazing and I hope to see you come back at some point in time if you ever get the urge to do so again.
Anyway, glad you are doing a bit better now man and I hope things work out for ya!
Best wishes for the future. I hope everything keeps getting better for you!
Stay strong. You have to push on, have to make the days worthwhile. It's hard but you gotta do it. Every day, in small steps.
First and foremost I just want to say thank you for all the amazing works you've done, and to say without your amazing works, I probably wouldn't have got started in all of this and met who I know now. I truly enjoyed seeing your works pop in my inbox to watch, like no other artists does, while you may think your art isn't on par with super render monster artists, your art had a "soul and spirit" or story like no other did. Your works operate on a different level, which made you very unique.
I have never been good at sentiment and conveying feelings to others, which is why I've too been told that I'm a very "cold and aloof" person, but I hope you find something that can fill that sense of purpose you're looking for. And I'll miss the interactions in your works, I enjoyed them and I hope we'll still see you around.
Thanks again for all your effort you've given us. o7
And hey, maybe you'll have a change of heart after taking some time off. By the sounds of it, self-doubt is your worst enemy. Think what you've want, but you've got talent and skill that people appreciate and enjoy. Art is such a relative thing, just because you think you can't find yourself sitting with the big boys in the professional world, that doesn't mean you're bad at it and you can't succeed. You've said it yourself - people genuinely enjoyed your work. Who's to say if those same people would've got that enjoyment were it done by someone else, even if vastly more 'skilled'?
you've made a good decision to take a break from art, you need it. take as much as you feel you need. but never say never- never say quit, never say "never again". in fact, never set any expectations or projections. do what you need to do for your health, but don't force your hand one way or another. it will come to you, as it is, not as something it is not, just like the first time. and perhaps after having been away from it, you will manage to find the appreciation from what your art is, instead of worrying over what it is not.
you compared your art, unique and very personal, to a generalized standard, in which it doesn't fit. feeling improper is an understatement, in this medium. you aren't here to fit, to render, to paint. you are here to do your thing, and start a whole new "standard". much harder work, but pleasant, because your expectations are solely to move forward. you have nobody- few- to compare yourself with.
the lion does not compare itself with the eagle, and deem itself improper because it cannot fly. instead the lion appreciates the eagle for what it is, and appreciates himself for what he is. different specializations, and masters of their respective fields.
you are not a master of the industry rendering field, your calling is different. you can be a master in your own field.
i hope you can find peace, and a new beginning. may we see your art in the future, no matter how far of a future, and may it be enjoyable to you.
stay safe, stay strong, stay moving.
there is,in my opinion, a niche between "casual" and "award winning".
your art looks good to me,especially with the art that is around now
You're a good artist. However, your decision to 'compare' yourself to industrial artists is like wearing one's pants on their head, silly and amusing at first; but ultimately a foolish thing. Comparing yourself specifically to those you know are, literally; some of the fastest on the web is like comparing apples and oranges; yes they're both fruits but that's about it.
The literal sickness with the art thing also sounds like something you need to speak with your psychiatrist about. That shouldn't happen even if you don't enjoy it anymore.
Frankly the decision to not remove your artwork is a good one, compiling it in one easy to view place is good too; thank you for not being one of THOSE artists. You know the ones. They make a journal and then remove everything because of it.
Also, get your friends and family sorted- you need those.
that being said. there's no worse feeling than dead passion. if you are certain that making art (at least for FA) is really making art not fun for you- really, truly making it a chore- then i /implore/ you to stop. you'll have my full support, because as much as i love your art (and i do love it a lot), i care more about you as a person and your well-being. and there are many, many others even just within these comments that feel the same. you've gotta take care of you first. i really do hope the passion for your work here finds you again someday, but until then, do whatever /you/ need to do, and we'll understand. take care, man.
-a random fan.
Though I do share a lot of your sentiments of self depreciation of your own art in relation to others and not wanting to get out of bed so I can empathize with that some, though your circumstances are bound to be different.
I hope that you'll be able to find whatever it is that sparks your interest in well... anything it seems in the future.
You will always be an artist I looked up to for inspiration. I boasted so much about your work to so many friends.
I thank you for having the opportunity to having seen you create some marvelous work with your time here.
You are one of the greatest artists I've ever had the chance to witness on this site.
I hope this will not be the end for your artistic creations.
Your mind is full of such amazing ideas. Even Lolzguy would agree.
Take the time you need, recover, and keep kicking ass like you always do.
If life wasn't a challenge, it was never meant to be. Hang in there, L_D. Don't give up now.
Take it one day at a time. We'll all be here with you every step of the way.
In terms of art, it's important to like what you do. You can try to make art which looks perfect, without any spots of bother, but this will never happen. Art is something personal, every artist has his own style and that makes his works to something special. The quality plays no role in that, there will always be people which love what you do and some people which not. That's how people are, you can never satisfy everybody. It is more important that you are satisfied. And to push yourself to limits you can't reach over night and to produce art for only the masses isn't satisfying for you it seems.
I would recommend you to not just give up art, but take a break from commissions and from pushing yourself to get better. Just try to get some inspiration and some ideas, something you like and draw what you want in your own style. If you don't find nothing else you like to do so far, it would be disastrous to put the only thing away which seems to interest you. You only need to change the conditions and think about what YOU really want and what would makes you happy.
I am not really good at art, but I like it, how it is. I draw for people I care and create things out of my inspiration. Whatever makes me happy and others, BUT on my conditions. So try not to overdo things and stress yourself, whether if in art or in your private life. Only do what you really like to do and don't only think on others, even if that sounds egoistic. If we are not happy and satisfied, how can we await from ourselves to help others?
Your art style and quality speaks for itself, don't waste that talent. You are very ambitious, but you await to much from yourself. Try to relax, take it slower and improve step by step in your tempo. I hope my words makes sense and help a bit. The other people here have also great and maybe better advices. Just be safe and don't forget that you are important too and what you want. Your heart will surely tell you.
You feel the way you feel, but I hope for your own sake that eventually you learn to enjoy drawing again. I hope that you can look back on all of the beautiful things you created and see their value as so many of us have. You are one of the best artists on this website. Your style is yours and I am amazed that you could produce these pieces that seem like they involved so much passion to create while not actually feeling that passion. That right there is an amazing amount of talent and willpower.
Thank you for everything you have given this community, as well as me personally. I hope you post every now and then just to let us know you're doing well.
Good luck in life. You will find someplace you feel vibrant and alive again, and I hope you find it sooner rather than later. <3
I had to reread what you wrote a few times, but even now I still am not completely sure what to say. While I've had familiar feelings, I can't imagine what you're going through, let alone offer real tangible advice. I'm better at speaking about personal things in the process, so I guess that's how I'll go about this, as it helps me formulate my thoughts and ideas I want to convey.
There aren't many artists that...I'm not even sure how to put it. On rough days when I'm dealing with heavy academic workload, my imagination tends to drift wildly from time to time. A great, *great* deal of your art has inspired the way I think and imagine and create things. It's very difficult to put to words. The way you pair music with your art creates immense satisfaction. Often times it leaves me asking and wondering more. This is a pretty shit and vague description, but there's just something about your art that makes me wonder more. It makes me want to know more, and crave more from it. A lot of it also speaks out in ways that's hard to communicate, but it's a certain level of understanding. The music in combination with the art goes a long way in inspiring it. It was enough to give me pause at time to think and reminisce in a way that, (well this sounds cheesy and corney as shit, but I swear on my life this nonsense is 100% true) made me contemplate certain things about life. Your art was able to give those feelings a form that was oddly familiar, which gave it life. In truth, I found your art to be significantly more personal than how much you let on more directly; more so than nearly all. There aren't many artists that do that but it's something I value tremendously in art and it genuinely helped me reflect on myself, which is something that I really value; it puts me in a state of mind of awareness that's very difficult to normally find.
Pretty much all the music I listen to now is either stuff you've linked before or stuff that has grown from that. Purity Ring has been an almost daily part of my life, between walking to and from university classes or riding the bus back to the apartment. From time to time, Silversun Pickups comes about. And once in a great while, I'll take a listen to Baths (but it's been increasingly rare.) Looking back, in order for me to get the most out of them, I generally had to refer back to the images you created, because you were able to capture something in it that I can only just begin to imagine. Every single time I listen to music, I try to understand and capture it, but often without much success. Something to strive for though.
This sounds like rambling stupid nonsense, but every bit of what I say is as honest as I can get. Even writing this has given me pause to think back and consider the many things that have happened since I first saw your art a little more than three years ago. Many things have happened, and your art has certainly played a role in affecting the way I think.
As for putting a piece with the you care about, I suppose my way of going about it is that even if they leave, I can at least think back of the things I've done to positively influence things. No matter who I encounter, I almost always try and give them something positive to work with. It's more difficult online because it's easy to read too much into the same text and combination of symbols that comprises the vast majority of communication, but I digress. Being positive alone gives me enough fuel to keep going and continue doing it, and give me hope to continue onward. I take what I can get, but I don't expect much more in return. It sounds cynical, but it's not really cynical, or pessimistic, or even optimistic in my view. It doesn't fit any of the three, I think, but it works for me.
I reread what you wrote one more time. Thank you, for sharing you art with us here, and drawing for a great many of us as well, commissions or otherwise. Good luck to you, and I hope to see your art in the future, one way or another.
Come back soon <3 We will miss you
Even if you may need to draw a line now for your mental health, I firmly believe this is the right choice for you as a person. All the best to you.
Lethal_Doors seeing your art was the only thing that gave me a passion for trying my own hand at drawing and it's still the only style I really hope to strive towards one day. That may not sound like much from a stranger like myself but out of all the artists I've seen here in that year of activity that statement only works for your gallery and that really means a lot.
I hope you find a way to enjoy art once again, or at the least I'm sure you'll discover something else you will find yourself great at since you will still always have that expertise in the art field to help you out with anything you do.
Thanks for the art, I really loved your style and themes, and it was nice to talk synthwave with you man, even though it was just minor pieces at a time. Looking forward to that Gost album coming out later this year, and I hope you can still dig that stuff. Sorry to see you go, but I'll be happy if you can successfully move forward as you deserve better.
Good luck, Thanks, and Peace man.
I'll just say that i've poured over a LOT of your stuff and for whatever reason it may be i like every bit of it. You were always a pleasure to work with and i could even smile from your interactions with other people, and albeit indirectly, you've brought me a lot of happiness!(i love Idlefon now lol) I only hope that you don't completely quit art(and i don't say out of anticipation for more commissions!), because you deserve better than to have your passion fizzle out on you. Even if it means you have to go in a different direction in life. Best of luck dude, and don't forget to stop in here and there! We'll all miss your art, but we'll miss you even more :)
We never talked or anything, but I do wish you the best of luck and happiness in whatever you choose to pursue next.
Still, I'm glad I got to be around for your exploration of drawing, the grand, awesome crusade it was, and I hope you find something else you can sink your teeth into even better.
You will be greatly missed, and I wish you he best of luck with your health, mental or otherwise, hope to run into you some day you allways seemed like an amazing individual. Stay safe!
I'm sad to see you go, and I wish you good luck on your wherever the future takes you.
Sometimes working as artist in the industry can be very dreadful, repetive and tiring. There were definitely episodes where I was fed up doing artwork (in fact, I just recently came to enjoy drawing again) and was seriously wondering what the heck I'd been thinking turning a much loved hobby into something I have to force myself to do every day even when I don't feel like drawing-
but the truth is even if making my hobby my job brings the struggle of occasionally really hating what I am meant to love, I would not want to do anything else (certainly not work, say, customer service or retail or whatever else is out there that does not require me to create things with a pencil, digitally or otherwise). Just like you, I put all my money (literally @ student loan) onto the "job in the (game) art industry" field.
Let me say a few words to encourage you:
You are your own worst critic. And that's good. You might be beating yourself down but let me tell you, this is the force that drives you to improve. If you ever reach the state where you are so content with your work that you stop seeing the room for improvement, it'll be the day you'll stagnate.
Labels are misleading. What we are producing for the industry is, strictly speaking, not art, but design. Art exists for no real reaason, it's self-serving, it doesn't have to apply to any standart or rules.
Design on the other hand is created for a certain purpose and/or function.
Being an artist in the industry gives you a lot of coolness-points. If you tell people you are creating the artwork for video games, their eyes will go wide, their mouths will open, and they'll look at you in awe while telling you how amazing that is.
Re: concept art
Yeah, tough field with a looooot of awesome competition. Pros: concept art doesn't necessarily require you to fully render characters - most concept art is really quick, thrown-together stuff to get a look and feel for things.
One of my former docents wrote a good article about it: http://howtonotsuckatgamedesign.com.....l-concept-art/
If rendering artwork is not your thing, have you considered looking into other fields that only require quick n sketchy stuff? Storyboarding might be something that interessts you? There are a million and one job possibilities out there aside becoming a concept artist!
Last but not least: you came up pretty much out of nowhere here on FA and created a ton of work in a very short time and did a lot of improvement - if it means anything to you: I believe in you and I think you can do it!
You're on a good way, and what you're feeling right now, this big burden/monster that makes you feel like you can't make it? We're all hitting that wall at one point or another (some even hit it every so often) - if you climb past it and don't let it discourage you, you will improve!
However you decide to go from here, it's your life and your choices, and I hope you'll succeed in what you set out to do, no matter which direction you're chosing for yourself! Good luck!
I can only hope that someday you'll find that special spark again and return to art, perhaps as a hobby for your own enjoyment rather than as a job to try and live off of.
In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. Live your life for you; create for you. But don't beat yourself up just because you do not feel adequate or worthy. You are, you are. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Scmu3RpgvrI
Good luck, M <3
Journal was two weeks ago but better late than never!
Dealing with such things is always a long, hard, up-hill struggle but I'm sure you already know that, all you can really do is work on fighting it the best you can and trying in any way to get things back to "Normal"
I hope things get better for you and you find yourself and your purpose and within that, your direction. I hope that the mental and emotional issues improve in some form or at least get to a sense where there is a cope-able stability.. still trying to find that myself.
All in all, I hope that when things get sorted or get a little better, you're able to pick back up on your work and art and return to all the people here who are sad to see you go, clearly both you as a person and you as an artist will be greatly missed.
So take care bud, all the best and be safe. Hopefully see you in the future!
I've never said anything to my knowledge
I never got a short list of pictures drawn I would have liked
I let some personal biases and other 'bad blood' get in the way
long story short people are just shitty to each other.
No one seems to be immune to that.
Be your days bright.
So I can't be sayin cool stuff like I watched you for 5 years or something. I don't often make furry art but the past few months I was debating to myself what I did or didn't like about it and surfing around in general here. Anyway I saw one of your pieces turn up and then I took a look inside your gallery. I think your work made me realize that I liked clothed furs more, like I think they look much better with a profession and purpose. I like that the pictures increasingly began to have staging and situational narration, which is something I found pretty inspiring. I also reasoned it as, despite liking animals, I feel like kind of a cold person atleast on the outside so I liked seeing these armored and suited up furs fighting, spoke to me a lot more than real cuddly pictures. I think I feel like you said more on the inside though.
So reading your journal gave me some feels there. I'm sorry ya gotta go so quickly. I want to tell you something nice. The reason I'm visiting right now was to get some pricing advice, to see what you are selling for and gauge comparatively what I price. So my world is a little loose here on FA but you're my favorite to ref what I'd like to do if I did fur art. Hmm, I don't think of you as a god but a guiding light.
Check my gallery, the last two pieces are because I was thinking of your work : D
I understand both feeling chewed through by others over the years and feeling a sense of emptiness about your work. I think it's fine to vacay. Maybe find what work matters to you. I can tell in your art there was a will to find some meaning. Good luck, from a warm stranger ^^
I might have failed to build the 3d-models I had hoped to, due to a billion reasons I won't go into, but I don't regret for a moment the money I spent on commissioning you.
Your work is quality, maybe not some 'industry standard' nonsense, but it's still worth the time & money, and I think in many a way, it doesn't need to live up to a standard, as it's your own style.
Enough babbling- I'll cut to the chase, I miss your work, it was fantastic, it was creative, and it was free of the sexual nonsense that so heavily grips this silly sight. Even if you never return to creating art here, I hope you continue making art, because it is good.
Just wanted to let you know, I was not disappointed in the slightest with my commission. In fact it is my favorite one yet. I want you to have great success in whatever your heart's desire may be. Just wanted to keep this short and sweet for you, I am sure you got plenty of lurkin' to do.
I wish you the strength to keep going on with life, it's worth it.
Zachary (Zieg)
I'm wishing you the best <3
It has been a treat to see your art every now and then when you shared it.
Instead of sympathy, I will instead say, thank you, Lethal_Doors, for all of the effort you've given us in your time here. For all of the beautiful work, the sketches, rough colours, simply the theme with which you chose to follow. Thank you for it. :)
I regret not having seen this journal until now, but, I did now see it, and I read all of it.
Carry with you into the next chapter of your life with all of the love and support of all those who knew of you and enjoyed your art and presence here, including myself.
I understand your plight, and I'm glad to have stumble across a fellow traditional artist such as yourself. Your sketches alone were enough to motivate me to keep going. I can only be ashamed for not expressing it sooner that I enjoy your eye for detail and perception and wished we had time to speak to one another at least. I hope all goes well for you in the future wherever you go and where life take you and I do wish your talents will help you in your journey elsewhere as you decide not to return. 'Til we meet again.
Brilliance doesn't mean success, nor do successful people have always strong technical talent in their area they are recognised for (i see this in my field of software development, i observe it in art too) i think you have something that could allow for success, but you are conscious of your own flaws ... Ones i don't see
For all it is worth, i wish you well in what you choose to do. Thank you for your creativity this far, and hope you can create again, if you so wish, as is look forward to seeing more of your creations.