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Change sucks.
9 years ago
Big changes, I mean. Getting a new, faster computer, that's nice.
Your father dying? Not so much. Standing at his bedside after you and your brother made the decision to remove the forced breathing mask that he hated and stop the blood pressure raising medicines that made dialysis possible at all, although extremely painful, and holding his hand as he dies...
Having your best option be to move into his house, because you can take over the mortgage and it will end up being cheaper than the rent at the apartment? Not too bad... but there's a roommate. I'm demophobic, so I need my own space... so I'll end up living in the master bedroom, pretty much. So i'm essentially moving from a one bedroom apartment to one bedroom... I work nights, so I won't likely see him much. For reasons, while I COULD throw him out, since it's going to be my house, I really can't.
So there's that. And then there's moving. Not as stressful as normal because I know where I'm going, I'm not going to have to scramble to find a place to live because I can't afford this one anymore... I can continue to, although my rent will be raised shortly as my lease is up. But... like all cats, I hate change. I've thrown up four times in the last three days from the stress... I asked my mother to help me pack and I'm continually resisting, and I know I'm doing it, and I can't stop and that adds to the stress and... I thought the suicidal depression was gone, but I cried myself to sleep thinking about Pop and the move and what I'll do if my car stops working, since it's started acting weird the last couple of days and then I threw up again..
I have no friends. (Yes, I have friends on the internet, but none of them are close enough to give me a hug or just have someone to sit with and do whatever nearby.) I'm a tiger, I'm a loner, I always have been... but even tigers meet once in a while. Family isn't the same thing, and I don't have much of that left anyway.
I don't know what to do... I just want it to be over. Once I'm moved, I'm sure I'll be fine, once the change is over and has settled, but this slow death is just miserable...
Your father dying? Not so much. Standing at his bedside after you and your brother made the decision to remove the forced breathing mask that he hated and stop the blood pressure raising medicines that made dialysis possible at all, although extremely painful, and holding his hand as he dies...
Having your best option be to move into his house, because you can take over the mortgage and it will end up being cheaper than the rent at the apartment? Not too bad... but there's a roommate. I'm demophobic, so I need my own space... so I'll end up living in the master bedroom, pretty much. So i'm essentially moving from a one bedroom apartment to one bedroom... I work nights, so I won't likely see him much. For reasons, while I COULD throw him out, since it's going to be my house, I really can't.
So there's that. And then there's moving. Not as stressful as normal because I know where I'm going, I'm not going to have to scramble to find a place to live because I can't afford this one anymore... I can continue to, although my rent will be raised shortly as my lease is up. But... like all cats, I hate change. I've thrown up four times in the last three days from the stress... I asked my mother to help me pack and I'm continually resisting, and I know I'm doing it, and I can't stop and that adds to the stress and... I thought the suicidal depression was gone, but I cried myself to sleep thinking about Pop and the move and what I'll do if my car stops working, since it's started acting weird the last couple of days and then I threw up again..
I have no friends. (Yes, I have friends on the internet, but none of them are close enough to give me a hug or just have someone to sit with and do whatever nearby.) I'm a tiger, I'm a loner, I always have been... but even tigers meet once in a while. Family isn't the same thing, and I don't have much of that left anyway.
I don't know what to do... I just want it to be over. Once I'm moved, I'm sure I'll be fine, once the change is over and has settled, but this slow death is just miserable...
My sympathies for your loss, love.
And like you, I hate having to move. I've done it too much, too often, and it takes me so far out of my comfort zone I build around myself. I hope your transition goes quickly and smoothly.