FA+
Shop
Dark Confession of a Hellhound (warning: sensitive topic)
9 years ago
I have been putting off making a journal like this, because I really don’t want to bring others down. I tend to keep stuff to myself. However, after dealing with some drama recently, it cause these dark feelings to crawl back up to the surface. I feel like that it might be better to confess and get it off of my chest. It’s a real sensitive subject, and I will understand if you don’t want to read this and just ignore this journal, but I have to get this off my chest before I get crush under the weight of it.
My real name is Johnathan, and I’m 26. I have been dealing with depression for about 10 years now. It started back when I was in High-school. I’m not the best looking guy, in fact I feel like I’m far from it, and I get real shy around females. I don’t have problem with it, when I’m just talking with them online. However, when I talk with one in person, I tend to get real reserve and shy. Anyways, in High-school, there would be plenty of couples like I’m sure a lot of you know. Well, despite my gallery and what I post, I’m more of a romantic type. I’m the type of guy that wanted to find a High-school sweetheart, and we would enjoy High-school together, and then get married when the time was right, but I never found one. It seem like that I was the kind of guy that girls only saw as just a friend, a guy for them to talk with and to be comforted by. It seem like I was never going to find that special girl, and this would lead me to getting very depress and dread going to school.
I had two big crushes in High-school, and one of them I even confess to, but I was turn down and given the friend speech “Sorry, but can we just be friends?” Being rejected put me in a really dark place; it took me three whole years just to confess to her. A friend convince to me into doing, but I knew it was a bad decision because she was already seeing another friend of mine. It was stupid, and I wish I didn’t confess, but I wanted to let her know how I felt or I might have regretted it. Even after knowing that she was going to give me the friend speech from the start, it still really got to me. I would cry every night for months afterwards. I was a big idiot, when it comes to love cause the same year that happen I end up buying her a white gold heart necklace for Christmas just because I heard she had issues with her parents and I wanted her to have something nice for Christmas. The whole thing with her cause me to get depress a lot, and as I said early it let me to a dark place. Other than crying, there would be times that I would look at my pocket knife or a knife in the kitchen and have thoughts that no one should have. Sometimes, when I was alone, I would a hold the blade pointed at where my heart would be and just wanted to shove it in and be done with the pain. However, I would always end up chickening out and unable to go through with it.
Sometime after her, I began to develop feelings for another friend that I had. She was an incredible girl, and made me want to get out of my comfort zone. An example would be is that I don’t like to dance in public, but when I’m with her I would happily dance with her. When prom came around, I didn’t really want to go because there would be couples and I don’t want to go to something like that without a date. However, for my junior and senior one, she went with me both times. For each of them, she had a boyfriend, but I guess that they weren’t threaten by me because again I’m a big fellow in real and I’m a nice guy. Both times, after it was over, she would say that she had a wonderful time, and she said I was the best prom date. It made me feel really good about myself. She even call up her boyfriend for both junior and senior to tease him about the wonderful time that me and her had at prom. I would always great her with a hug, when we meet and hug her good bye. I would be the one that listens to her about her problems, especially problems with her boyfriend. It just made me really wonder, why would she stay with someone like that, when I would treat her so much better. There were even times that I asked her if she ever thought of me and her as more than friends. She would respond that she couldn’t answer at this time. In the end, she never did give me an answer.
I kept being friends with both of them on Facebook, even after I got of High-school. The events with them and feelings that I had for them lead to a big part of my depression, but I still harbor no ill will towards either of them. Currently, both of them are married to a guy that they found, and one of them even has a baby now, while I’m still single. I don’t get on Facebook much anymore cause it will always get to me seeing so many of friends from High-school being in a relationship and some even being married now, when I still have never had a girlfriend in person. All of my relationships have been long distance, online, Second Life. I’m sure that y’all get the idea. My year and half younger cousin even has a wife and kid now. When I heard about it, I really wanted to be happy for him, but also I didn’t want to meet them cause it really got me depress. To me, it was a reminder that I still have no one.
Anyways, it hasn’t been relationships and love life that been causing me to have depression and dark thoughts. Another part of it comes from my current occupation. I went to college, and even manage to graduate from it with a bachelor’s degree. However, there’s nothing like what I went for where I’m currently at now. After college, I choose to not stay where I was at for college cause there was no guaranteed for me getting a job in my career field there, and rent wasn’t cheap around there. I didn’t have a job, and I honestly hated being away from my family there. The only friends that I had there was my roommates and some fellows from the college. I didn’t get out and socialize much, cause as many people my age would hang out at bars or clubs, and I just didn’t like being at places like that. I’m not a drinker, and I never want to be one. You could say I hate alcohol, but I won’t get into that. Anyways, I decided to move back home. This was back in February of 2012. It is 2016, and I’m still home with my family. In the time between when I graduated and now, I have yet to find a job or get hired.
It lead me to get depress even more. I felt like a failure, worthless, a waste, etc. It seems like I couldn’t do anything right. I mean my parents are good ones. They have been real understanding and haven’t kicked me out yet. Lately, I been stressing over the fact that I don’t have a job still, cause I’m 26 now and that means I’m no longer covered under my parents health and dental, and I don’t have the money to buy my own. I also still have loans that need to be paid. My parents have been covering it, but I feel so bad. I feel like I been letting them down and just been a failure of a son. I really do want to repay them someday, but with finding no work or income I don’t know if I can. I know that I just need to keep at, but it really gets to me and worsens my depression. The thing is that I have a fear of rejection, whether it’s rejection of becoming a couple by a girl or rejection of getting a job. So, it really has been getting in the way of me trying hard, and leading me even more into depression. Another thing about my past is that my parents were going to actually have a child the year before me. They never did found out if it was going to be a boy or girl because it ended up being a miscarriage. They then had me the next year. Honestly, there have been plenty of times that I wish that they had the miscarriage child instead of me. I feel like that they could have been a better child and not a failure like me. I know that I shouldn’t wish stuff like not wanting to have been born, or not wanting to live anymore. However, I did have those thoughts, and there are times recently that I still do have those thoughts. I even felt like I ruin follows me around. I’ve had my car break down on me quite a few times. It also has a lot of damage to the pain on it, so it looks like the paint is coming off. It’s ironic because I feel like it looks like how I feel “falling apart.” It’s not just the car but also the house. There’s places where the floor needs to be replace. I know that things erode and fall apart over time, but I just get thoughts like “I’m a natural disaster, and I bring ruin and destruction where I go.” Which is ironic for me, because I was conceived during hurricane Hugo, and there was a lot of people telling my parents that they should name me Hugo. I was even born on June 1st, which is supposedly the start of hurricane season. However, they end up naming me Johnathan, which apparently means “God’s gift.” Honestly, I feel like a lot of the time that I’m no gift; instead I feel more like the devil’s curse. There’s other stuff that I felt like I was the one to cause it to be ruin like some relationships around me like the drama recently, even though I’m not the one at fault. I still feel like maybe this stuff wouldn’t have happen if I wasn’t around. Again, I know that I shouldn’t have thoughts like this and I shouldn’t be hard on myself, but depression does that to you. Honestly, of all the people that I met and know, I’m probably the one that has been the hardest on myself.
So yeah…this is what has been weighing on me. It took me a lot of courage to post this, since it's so personal for me, and not something like to bring up. I’m sorry that it was so long and I don’t like posting stuff like this, but I felt like I should just get it off of my chest, so I don’t get crush by it, or even do what those dark thoughts are telling me to do. I know that a lot of it will sound like silly and stupid reasons to get depressed over or even think of suicide. Heck, I even think that, because there are plenty of people going through a lot worse than what I’m going through. However, I can’t help but feel this way. It’s just how I feel. If you manage to read all of this, thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I appreciate it. I probably will end up deleting this journal, but I just wanted to post it to like vent, and hopefully relief some of the weight on my shoulders. Like they say it’s better to get something off your chest than to bottle it up, and I been have bottling this up for years. Thank you again for reading this, and I’m going to continue to do my best to hang in there. I’m going to try my best to not let my depression get the better of me and win. If there are any of you out there dealing with depression, I sincerely hope that you manage to make through it too and that good stuff will come to you.
My real name is Johnathan, and I’m 26. I have been dealing with depression for about 10 years now. It started back when I was in High-school. I’m not the best looking guy, in fact I feel like I’m far from it, and I get real shy around females. I don’t have problem with it, when I’m just talking with them online. However, when I talk with one in person, I tend to get real reserve and shy. Anyways, in High-school, there would be plenty of couples like I’m sure a lot of you know. Well, despite my gallery and what I post, I’m more of a romantic type. I’m the type of guy that wanted to find a High-school sweetheart, and we would enjoy High-school together, and then get married when the time was right, but I never found one. It seem like that I was the kind of guy that girls only saw as just a friend, a guy for them to talk with and to be comforted by. It seem like I was never going to find that special girl, and this would lead me to getting very depress and dread going to school.
I had two big crushes in High-school, and one of them I even confess to, but I was turn down and given the friend speech “Sorry, but can we just be friends?” Being rejected put me in a really dark place; it took me three whole years just to confess to her. A friend convince to me into doing, but I knew it was a bad decision because she was already seeing another friend of mine. It was stupid, and I wish I didn’t confess, but I wanted to let her know how I felt or I might have regretted it. Even after knowing that she was going to give me the friend speech from the start, it still really got to me. I would cry every night for months afterwards. I was a big idiot, when it comes to love cause the same year that happen I end up buying her a white gold heart necklace for Christmas just because I heard she had issues with her parents and I wanted her to have something nice for Christmas. The whole thing with her cause me to get depress a lot, and as I said early it let me to a dark place. Other than crying, there would be times that I would look at my pocket knife or a knife in the kitchen and have thoughts that no one should have. Sometimes, when I was alone, I would a hold the blade pointed at where my heart would be and just wanted to shove it in and be done with the pain. However, I would always end up chickening out and unable to go through with it.
Sometime after her, I began to develop feelings for another friend that I had. She was an incredible girl, and made me want to get out of my comfort zone. An example would be is that I don’t like to dance in public, but when I’m with her I would happily dance with her. When prom came around, I didn’t really want to go because there would be couples and I don’t want to go to something like that without a date. However, for my junior and senior one, she went with me both times. For each of them, she had a boyfriend, but I guess that they weren’t threaten by me because again I’m a big fellow in real and I’m a nice guy. Both times, after it was over, she would say that she had a wonderful time, and she said I was the best prom date. It made me feel really good about myself. She even call up her boyfriend for both junior and senior to tease him about the wonderful time that me and her had at prom. I would always great her with a hug, when we meet and hug her good bye. I would be the one that listens to her about her problems, especially problems with her boyfriend. It just made me really wonder, why would she stay with someone like that, when I would treat her so much better. There were even times that I asked her if she ever thought of me and her as more than friends. She would respond that she couldn’t answer at this time. In the end, she never did give me an answer.
I kept being friends with both of them on Facebook, even after I got of High-school. The events with them and feelings that I had for them lead to a big part of my depression, but I still harbor no ill will towards either of them. Currently, both of them are married to a guy that they found, and one of them even has a baby now, while I’m still single. I don’t get on Facebook much anymore cause it will always get to me seeing so many of friends from High-school being in a relationship and some even being married now, when I still have never had a girlfriend in person. All of my relationships have been long distance, online, Second Life. I’m sure that y’all get the idea. My year and half younger cousin even has a wife and kid now. When I heard about it, I really wanted to be happy for him, but also I didn’t want to meet them cause it really got me depress. To me, it was a reminder that I still have no one.
Anyways, it hasn’t been relationships and love life that been causing me to have depression and dark thoughts. Another part of it comes from my current occupation. I went to college, and even manage to graduate from it with a bachelor’s degree. However, there’s nothing like what I went for where I’m currently at now. After college, I choose to not stay where I was at for college cause there was no guaranteed for me getting a job in my career field there, and rent wasn’t cheap around there. I didn’t have a job, and I honestly hated being away from my family there. The only friends that I had there was my roommates and some fellows from the college. I didn’t get out and socialize much, cause as many people my age would hang out at bars or clubs, and I just didn’t like being at places like that. I’m not a drinker, and I never want to be one. You could say I hate alcohol, but I won’t get into that. Anyways, I decided to move back home. This was back in February of 2012. It is 2016, and I’m still home with my family. In the time between when I graduated and now, I have yet to find a job or get hired.
It lead me to get depress even more. I felt like a failure, worthless, a waste, etc. It seems like I couldn’t do anything right. I mean my parents are good ones. They have been real understanding and haven’t kicked me out yet. Lately, I been stressing over the fact that I don’t have a job still, cause I’m 26 now and that means I’m no longer covered under my parents health and dental, and I don’t have the money to buy my own. I also still have loans that need to be paid. My parents have been covering it, but I feel so bad. I feel like I been letting them down and just been a failure of a son. I really do want to repay them someday, but with finding no work or income I don’t know if I can. I know that I just need to keep at, but it really gets to me and worsens my depression. The thing is that I have a fear of rejection, whether it’s rejection of becoming a couple by a girl or rejection of getting a job. So, it really has been getting in the way of me trying hard, and leading me even more into depression. Another thing about my past is that my parents were going to actually have a child the year before me. They never did found out if it was going to be a boy or girl because it ended up being a miscarriage. They then had me the next year. Honestly, there have been plenty of times that I wish that they had the miscarriage child instead of me. I feel like that they could have been a better child and not a failure like me. I know that I shouldn’t wish stuff like not wanting to have been born, or not wanting to live anymore. However, I did have those thoughts, and there are times recently that I still do have those thoughts. I even felt like I ruin follows me around. I’ve had my car break down on me quite a few times. It also has a lot of damage to the pain on it, so it looks like the paint is coming off. It’s ironic because I feel like it looks like how I feel “falling apart.” It’s not just the car but also the house. There’s places where the floor needs to be replace. I know that things erode and fall apart over time, but I just get thoughts like “I’m a natural disaster, and I bring ruin and destruction where I go.” Which is ironic for me, because I was conceived during hurricane Hugo, and there was a lot of people telling my parents that they should name me Hugo. I was even born on June 1st, which is supposedly the start of hurricane season. However, they end up naming me Johnathan, which apparently means “God’s gift.” Honestly, I feel like a lot of the time that I’m no gift; instead I feel more like the devil’s curse. There’s other stuff that I felt like I was the one to cause it to be ruin like some relationships around me like the drama recently, even though I’m not the one at fault. I still feel like maybe this stuff wouldn’t have happen if I wasn’t around. Again, I know that I shouldn’t have thoughts like this and I shouldn’t be hard on myself, but depression does that to you. Honestly, of all the people that I met and know, I’m probably the one that has been the hardest on myself.
So yeah…this is what has been weighing on me. It took me a lot of courage to post this, since it's so personal for me, and not something like to bring up. I’m sorry that it was so long and I don’t like posting stuff like this, but I felt like I should just get it off of my chest, so I don’t get crush by it, or even do what those dark thoughts are telling me to do. I know that a lot of it will sound like silly and stupid reasons to get depressed over or even think of suicide. Heck, I even think that, because there are plenty of people going through a lot worse than what I’m going through. However, I can’t help but feel this way. It’s just how I feel. If you manage to read all of this, thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I appreciate it. I probably will end up deleting this journal, but I just wanted to post it to like vent, and hopefully relief some of the weight on my shoulders. Like they say it’s better to get something off your chest than to bottle it up, and I been have bottling this up for years. Thank you again for reading this, and I’m going to continue to do my best to hang in there. I’m going to try my best to not let my depression get the better of me and win. If there are any of you out there dealing with depression, I sincerely hope that you manage to make through it too and that good stuff will come to you.
Venting is healthy it lets you put things in perspective and you can purge a lot of negative emotion. I feel that if you do your part to progress and move forward things will happen along that path. When and how who knows but it will XD
It sounds like you have wonderful parents who care and want to see you succeed. Maybe a little soul searching and thinking will open up your mind to a new path that will bring the fulfillment you seek. Gods know I had no clue I would be where I am at now but things happen and you just have to do the best with what you have :3
Always willing to chat with ya man if ya want idea or need someone to shoot the breeze with ;3 stay strong my friend <3
Yeah, they are good parents, and I do fight with my dad at times, but I never hate him. It might seems like he doesn't understand at times, but I know that it's just cause he wants the best for me, so he gets hard on me. It's kinda why i been depress over the job thing. I really would like to have a job where I can do stuff for myself, and even do stuff for them too. I do want to make them proud and repay them back.
I know and the same goes for you too. You can talk to me anytime. You're one of my best buddies on here. I enjoy talking with you too, my friend.
What I'm trying to say is that it's not too late. You are still young to change things in your life! We all have been stuck and or experience things that hold you back. But it's how you take the reigns of your life and turn it around. The change doesn't have to be major, but do some small things to pretty much say 'Thank you' to your body or even thank you to your parents for giving you life. I'm sure they don't think of you as anything else but their miracle baby. :3
Hopefully this helps even though I'm a stranger. :3
Yeah, I been wanting to try to exercise again, but the weathers hasn't been making that easy. It's either been too hot here, or like this week we got hit by hurricane Hermine. Can't really go out for a walk in that. XD It is challenging to get into shape, especially when you don't see results that quickly and want to give up. I know it takes awhile, but it is hard to keep at, but i got to try. It also doesn't help that I love soda. Soda for me is like alcohol to a drinker, or cigarettes to a smoker. I enjoy them and they help me relax, but not really best for losing weight, lol.
Thanks for the kind words, and I appreciate them. ^_^ It also doesn't matter that your a stranger, in fact that someone who hardly knows me would read this journal, and leave kind words has really touched me. I really do appreciate it. =)