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Eeeughh... What do I even call this. (Stupid fucking shit)
9 years ago
Yeah, I dunno. Just kinda typing here just cuz, I'm not exactly sure, maybe doing so will help me out in some way, at least in getting stuff out there. (MInd you that most of this will probably make no sense, mostly cuz I'm tired, it's early in the morning, and doing this in an attempt to address or stave off anxiety and stress from school.)
Well, first off, what's on my mind? Well, a lot of things really. A lot of stuff usually is on my mind, and me being me, it's impossible to organize half the time. I think the biggest I should get out of the way is this: I feel really sorry for a lot of the friends I have here. And even the friends I don't, I wish I could spend some time to talk, RP, or just chill more, but natural me just kind of doesn't let that happen. I mean, it's not like I don't understand what the problem is, I have a habit of swamping myself, talking to too many people at once that a lot of them get lost within it, resulting in many a delayed response. I mean, I know that for most people that's usually harmless, but I mean, the thing is I do it OFTEN and I'm sure that even though I am kinda being hard on myself here, a lot of my friends have felt at least a little bit like shit cuz I can't organize myself well enough to commit to the people I'm talking to. I'm just sorry you gotta put up with that shit. I disappear randomly, I stop talking, and yeah, I know shit happens sometimes, I just wish that that shit happening wasn't me doing it.
See, now I don't know if right now I'm being selfish because I've had many a talk with friends that when I'm as hard as I am in the above paragraph, it got them to say "The world doesn't revolve around you." And I mean, don't get them wrong, they're not saying that in a mean sort of way, but they were trying to put me in the perspective that I can't have the entire weight of the world on my shoulder. But now see, that's also got me weird thinking about it, because does that mean I think so much of myself that I think everything revolves around me? I get that it's not like I'm lamenting about people not doing what I want them to do, but still, does this whole thing make me selfish?
On top of that, there's also the weird thing I have with these sorts of journals that really fuck me up! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doing this as some sort of cry for help, for lack of a better phrase. I've never been a fan of this mostly because of the rep this gets, or at least what I'd think of myself for doing it. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong in asking for help, but there's something about writing journals like this that make me want to disable comments. Maybe it's because I'm a masochist, that I just want to be left to my pain, because a lot of me feels like I deserve whatever anxiety and depression comes my way. I guess part of me feels like I don't really need people commenting on this because this is just me talking out of my ass in a bad state of mind again.
Buuuut then comes the thought of me being a sociopath. I mean, in the way I'm talking, I can't help but thinki I'm just throwing the biggest pity party here, and as someone'll keep reading they'll go "Oh, I see, so he just WANTS someone to pat him on the back and go 'aww, don't you worry! Everything's gonna be okay! You're a great guy!'" like I'm just looking for people to say good things about me. I mean, I know it's not that because I have such low thoughts about myself such a manner. So what, do I want help? I mean, I know I have wonderful people who try to help me, and God do I know there are people who love me no matter what my faults are, and damn it all if I don't feel like I don't deserve these people. Cuz that's how I feel sometimes, but that's because I don't love myself as much as others do me!
Right now this has just devolved to my own dark, stupid thoughts. Just anxieties about not really belonging to a certain group, or just IN somewhere, I dunno! That might not make any sense, again, stupid shit. But just in some creative groups or sometimes here on FA it's just that feeling that overwhelms me is that feeling of not belonging here. I mean, that's more of a me thing than anything, just seeing so many collaborations and circles, and the like and I'm just sorta sitting here. And now here comes that thought again that I'm just waving my hands and going "Oooh, look at me! Include me! I want things!" and I fucking HATE that!
So what the FUCK do I want then?! FUCK if I know!!
....
If anyone knows any way to deal with this sort of stress I'm having, that'd be appreciated. I know this is fucking me up some, and it's fucking up the way I'm speaking with people. (At least, the people I can fucking remember to respond to.)
Fuck, this devolved more than I thought it would. Not sure how this helped, but at least it's out there. I think the most I can say now is just... Fuck.
Fuck, I dunno.
Well, first off, what's on my mind? Well, a lot of things really. A lot of stuff usually is on my mind, and me being me, it's impossible to organize half the time. I think the biggest I should get out of the way is this: I feel really sorry for a lot of the friends I have here. And even the friends I don't, I wish I could spend some time to talk, RP, or just chill more, but natural me just kind of doesn't let that happen. I mean, it's not like I don't understand what the problem is, I have a habit of swamping myself, talking to too many people at once that a lot of them get lost within it, resulting in many a delayed response. I mean, I know that for most people that's usually harmless, but I mean, the thing is I do it OFTEN and I'm sure that even though I am kinda being hard on myself here, a lot of my friends have felt at least a little bit like shit cuz I can't organize myself well enough to commit to the people I'm talking to. I'm just sorry you gotta put up with that shit. I disappear randomly, I stop talking, and yeah, I know shit happens sometimes, I just wish that that shit happening wasn't me doing it.
See, now I don't know if right now I'm being selfish because I've had many a talk with friends that when I'm as hard as I am in the above paragraph, it got them to say "The world doesn't revolve around you." And I mean, don't get them wrong, they're not saying that in a mean sort of way, but they were trying to put me in the perspective that I can't have the entire weight of the world on my shoulder. But now see, that's also got me weird thinking about it, because does that mean I think so much of myself that I think everything revolves around me? I get that it's not like I'm lamenting about people not doing what I want them to do, but still, does this whole thing make me selfish?
On top of that, there's also the weird thing I have with these sorts of journals that really fuck me up! I'd be lying if I said I wasn't doing this as some sort of cry for help, for lack of a better phrase. I've never been a fan of this mostly because of the rep this gets, or at least what I'd think of myself for doing it. On the one hand, there's nothing wrong in asking for help, but there's something about writing journals like this that make me want to disable comments. Maybe it's because I'm a masochist, that I just want to be left to my pain, because a lot of me feels like I deserve whatever anxiety and depression comes my way. I guess part of me feels like I don't really need people commenting on this because this is just me talking out of my ass in a bad state of mind again.
Buuuut then comes the thought of me being a sociopath. I mean, in the way I'm talking, I can't help but thinki I'm just throwing the biggest pity party here, and as someone'll keep reading they'll go "Oh, I see, so he just WANTS someone to pat him on the back and go 'aww, don't you worry! Everything's gonna be okay! You're a great guy!'" like I'm just looking for people to say good things about me. I mean, I know it's not that because I have such low thoughts about myself such a manner. So what, do I want help? I mean, I know I have wonderful people who try to help me, and God do I know there are people who love me no matter what my faults are, and damn it all if I don't feel like I don't deserve these people. Cuz that's how I feel sometimes, but that's because I don't love myself as much as others do me!
Right now this has just devolved to my own dark, stupid thoughts. Just anxieties about not really belonging to a certain group, or just IN somewhere, I dunno! That might not make any sense, again, stupid shit. But just in some creative groups or sometimes here on FA it's just that feeling that overwhelms me is that feeling of not belonging here. I mean, that's more of a me thing than anything, just seeing so many collaborations and circles, and the like and I'm just sorta sitting here. And now here comes that thought again that I'm just waving my hands and going "Oooh, look at me! Include me! I want things!" and I fucking HATE that!
So what the FUCK do I want then?! FUCK if I know!!
....
If anyone knows any way to deal with this sort of stress I'm having, that'd be appreciated. I know this is fucking me up some, and it's fucking up the way I'm speaking with people. (At least, the people I can fucking remember to respond to.)
Fuck, this devolved more than I thought it would. Not sure how this helped, but at least it's out there. I think the most I can say now is just... Fuck.
Fuck, I dunno.
I can kind of relate to that feeling of being obliged to respond to any message I am getting, be that chat, mail, comment, whatever. It can become pretty overwhelming and intimidating, especially if you calculate that I (Inkwolf speaking here) am pretty much a loner by nature. Not the completely socially self-isolating kind of loner, but as a guy who appreciates a few hours just for himself each day. So even though I do enjoy spending time with friends and online acquaintances, There are times where I just want to be for myself. So yeah, I keep pushing back responding to messages, looking at uploads and all of that stuff as well, even though I feel many people expect me to have a look.
You know, one of my guild-masters in Elder Scrolls once said something among the lines "You just do what you feel comfortable with doing in your free-time, and the people around you decide for themselves whether they enjoy their interactions with you or not. If they can't enjoy their time with you on a level you're comfortable with, it'll just balance out to them spending less time with you and everyone being more comfortable with it." So basically, everyone just chooses who they really enjoy spending their limited time with, and if things aren't working out, eh, just let them re-balance naturally.
I kind of have a few more things to say, but I am running out of time right now. I will talk to you more later.
After kind of having a bit of clear headedness from this, I was just writing a lot from that bottom place where it's just every insecurity and every self-critizing thought packed into one. Again, I don't want to make this look like I'm waving my arms for attention, which is one of the problems I had writing this.
But that last paragraph is something interesting to be said.
And yeah, I'll see to be on sometime later, if I can. Thanks for taking the time to write about this. In the end, I do appreciate it. :)
It's a problem I have to fight with a lot as well, assuming that others have certain expectations of me and that I am unable to fulfill them, especially when it comes to time and attention spent on those people. I believe I worry way too much about such things from time to time.
And if it is any good to you, I don't think you come about as attention-grabbing at all. It is fine to talk about our troubles and worries when we are at a low point, we all get there sometimes, and letting it out can really help overcome those points in time. Of course, nobody likes attention-whoring, but that is something way different than occasionally telling people about what's honestly troubling your mind. Also, you're always lending an open ear to those who have problems of their own as well, so it's fine, really ;)
Actually, I think this perceived need to communicate and the expectations that come with it are a problem of new media and our way of handling it. Online media makes it possible to have a conversation with a person that lasts for days, if not weaks, because of how easy it is to postpone. I am talking about comment-reply-chains, notes and their replies and all of that here. We can even have multiple conversations with the same person at the same time! Since they can last so long, it's sometimes hard to get to an end, and they just keep amassing, till we have so many of them going on parallely that it becomes overwhelming. We still learned that common courtesy requires us to respond if spoken to, but those rules were also assuming that a conversation is resolved within minutes, if even that. So I really think we need to adjust those kinds of social norms and expectations when it comes to this kind of medium. I think we might need to learn how to end a conversation online, and by that I mean ending it, not just postponing the answer.
Uhm... I just rambled on there, just typed out what came to mind. I hope it makes sense still xD
But likewise, I want to tell you for the record (Cuz I know we have the long-ass comment chains xD) that I don't expect to keep up a billion comments at once. XD I feel once we've got the initial joke across, we're good. XD But it is an interesting thought!