It's 4am in UK land and once again I have been rudely awakened by what is been a weekly nightmare.
The nightmare is always different but one component is the same. My mother. In some way shape or form the dreams always have her there. Sometimes I wake up crying or with the fear and dread akin to a tradional nightmare.
Tonight's nightmare didn't start out bad. Just your usual unconnected fluff, hearing Moratorium by the band MAN WITH A MISSION while walking down a familiar Street, accidently insulting a friend only to be forgiven and carried away for make up "adult playtime" and be gone for a month.
Then a dark turn. Me the same friend from earlier and a woman I didn't know but felt fine with went to an abandoned house to 'play' she keeps the door open by putting the thin part of a Stiletto shoe into the bottem hinges (I only mention it because the dream called attention to it) Then as they undress in the room I hear a noise of movement and see myself in the corridor of my mother's old house familiar paint testing swotches on the walls then I hear my mother like the walls retelling a memory. And my older brother appears wearing very little. I cautiously ask "what are you doing here? Mums been dead for over a year." and he starts running around yelling "I live here now!" then the noises of my mother get louder as I hear heavy breathing and the voice of my mother and my brother scream at me as I rush into the room with my friends. They have vanished and the shoe has been removed trapping me inside as the screaming gets colder and the yelling and voices destort the atmosphere gets very oppressive I couldn't take it.
And thats when I woke up crying.....
Been having these dreams for well over a year now and have failed in every attempt to understand why they won't stop. I accept everything I cannot change about her passing and everying I retroactively feel I could of done but yet these dreams seem to taunt me with her memory or scare with her likeness and it's starting to get to me.