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Professor Summer's NFL Week 2 Shoe-Ins
9 years ago
Good morning sports fans! Today the big spandex clad men are back to concuss one another and shorten their life expectancies for your viewing enjoyment and my profit. Your favorite glasses and labcoat (and nothing else http://www.furaffinity.net/view/21125763/ new pic for 2016!
) wearing skunkette has studied the spreads, and is here to give you the tip.
If Week 1 is reputation week, Week 2 is overreaction week. Teams that did not live up to pre-season expectations in their very first game are now considered horrible, inept, and incompetent. Teams that performed well are now Super Bowl favorites. The trick to this week is navigating the hype and find the exploitable lines. For those not familiar with this weekly column, I go after parlays, that means I'm shooting for 3-0 and a big payday. One loss torpedoes the whole thing.
Game #1 Kansas City Chiefs (+1) at Houston Texans
The Pick - Kansas City +1
~Last week, shockingly, the Chiefs fell way behind to an inferior Chargers team at home before mounting a huge and necessary comeback to preserve their dignity. Due to this near shock, the Chiefs are now 1 point underdogs against a Texans team that looked shaky and weak against a weaker Chicago Bears. The Texans have super-turd JJ Watt returning to the lineup today, but so what?
As a side note, I'd like to be on the record as saying that JJ Watt is just the worst. THE. WORST. A shovel-faced glory hound, constantly tweeting out "I'm so dedicated" selfies and self promoting putdowns of teammates and opponents. A fame seeker that puts himself over by pointing out other players seeking fame. He has all the qualities of the Patriots and their fans wrapped up in his rectangle shaped body. Fuck him forever with a rusty exhaust pipe.
-Final Score Kansas City 12 (+1 =13) Houston 19.
What? I mean, roughly I put these in order of confidence. Losing this one is bitterly disappointing. Also, still. Fuck JJ Watt.
Game #2 Miami Dolphins at New England Fuckbois (-5.5)
The Pick - New England -5.5
~New England went and showed that like a bad rash, they just will not go away, by last week defeating the Arizona Cardinals on the road, without Tom Brady. The Fuckbois, being fuckbois, will use this week to make a statement against a divisional opponent. Their goal will not be just to win, but to run up the score to as embarrassing a figure that they can manage. We will find out if the Seahawks' low score output against the Dolphins last week was the work of a sturdy Miami defense, or a flawed Seattle offense. Last week I correctly predicted a flawed Seattle offense, so I'll roll with that this week. Fuckbois by a lot.
-Final Score New England 34 (-5.5 = 28.8) MIA 24 - Win.
This one was only in doubt at the end when the Fuckboi's QB went down with an injury while attempting to run the score up from 34-3. Can't say I feel bad for them.
Game #3 Dallas Cowboys(+3) at Washington Racistnames.
The Pick - Dallas +3
~Last year's division title was a fluke. Kirk Cousins (Washington QB) is a joke. The guy turned down a guaranteed one year contract matching the highest paid player at the position because he felt like winning another division title would get him paid even more. Some would say that Kirk Cousins is betting on himself. I would say that he's high on his own supply. Washington loses at home to a division opponent and their downfall begins. Change your name.
-Final Score DAL 27 (+3 = 30) WSH 23 - Win
The Racistnames blew a 4th quarter lead, at home, to a division opponent with an injured starting quarterback. Good.
Week 2 Results - 2-1
Season Record (including today) 3-2-1
State of Summer's Buffalo Bills.
Ugh. What a start. First they puke in their laps, and do absolutely nothing against the Ravens, who MIGHT be good but it's still unknown as Buffalo spent the entire game trying to gain as few yards as possible. Then, on Thursday night, in front of the eyes of all the football fans in America, they let Ryan Fitzpatrick(!!!) dice them up. By my count they forced exactly one punt until the very end of the game when the Jets took three knees to run off the clock. Luckily, the offense made some big plays and kept the Bills in the game right to the very end. Of course, the next morning, the man in charge of the offense was fired. We're a joke. People are laughing at us. The next two games are Arizona (uh...) and New England (...ooh). It doesn't look like things are going to get any better.
) wearing skunkette has studied the spreads, and is here to give you the tip.
If Week 1 is reputation week, Week 2 is overreaction week. Teams that did not live up to pre-season expectations in their very first game are now considered horrible, inept, and incompetent. Teams that performed well are now Super Bowl favorites. The trick to this week is navigating the hype and find the exploitable lines. For those not familiar with this weekly column, I go after parlays, that means I'm shooting for 3-0 and a big payday. One loss torpedoes the whole thing.
Game #1 Kansas City Chiefs (+1) at Houston Texans
The Pick - Kansas City +1
~Last week, shockingly, the Chiefs fell way behind to an inferior Chargers team at home before mounting a huge and necessary comeback to preserve their dignity. Due to this near shock, the Chiefs are now 1 point underdogs against a Texans team that looked shaky and weak against a weaker Chicago Bears. The Texans have super-turd JJ Watt returning to the lineup today, but so what?
As a side note, I'd like to be on the record as saying that JJ Watt is just the worst. THE. WORST. A shovel-faced glory hound, constantly tweeting out "I'm so dedicated" selfies and self promoting putdowns of teammates and opponents. A fame seeker that puts himself over by pointing out other players seeking fame. He has all the qualities of the Patriots and their fans wrapped up in his rectangle shaped body. Fuck him forever with a rusty exhaust pipe.
-Final Score Kansas City 12 (+1 =13) Houston 19.
What? I mean, roughly I put these in order of confidence. Losing this one is bitterly disappointing. Also, still. Fuck JJ Watt.
Game #2 Miami Dolphins at New England Fuckbois (-5.5)
The Pick - New England -5.5
~New England went and showed that like a bad rash, they just will not go away, by last week defeating the Arizona Cardinals on the road, without Tom Brady. The Fuckbois, being fuckbois, will use this week to make a statement against a divisional opponent. Their goal will not be just to win, but to run up the score to as embarrassing a figure that they can manage. We will find out if the Seahawks' low score output against the Dolphins last week was the work of a sturdy Miami defense, or a flawed Seattle offense. Last week I correctly predicted a flawed Seattle offense, so I'll roll with that this week. Fuckbois by a lot.
-Final Score New England 34 (-5.5 = 28.8) MIA 24 - Win.
This one was only in doubt at the end when the Fuckboi's QB went down with an injury while attempting to run the score up from 34-3. Can't say I feel bad for them.
Game #3 Dallas Cowboys(+3) at Washington Racistnames.
The Pick - Dallas +3
~Last year's division title was a fluke. Kirk Cousins (Washington QB) is a joke. The guy turned down a guaranteed one year contract matching the highest paid player at the position because he felt like winning another division title would get him paid even more. Some would say that Kirk Cousins is betting on himself. I would say that he's high on his own supply. Washington loses at home to a division opponent and their downfall begins. Change your name.
-Final Score DAL 27 (+3 = 30) WSH 23 - Win
The Racistnames blew a 4th quarter lead, at home, to a division opponent with an injured starting quarterback. Good.
Week 2 Results - 2-1
Season Record (including today) 3-2-1
State of Summer's Buffalo Bills.
Ugh. What a start. First they puke in their laps, and do absolutely nothing against the Ravens, who MIGHT be good but it's still unknown as Buffalo spent the entire game trying to gain as few yards as possible. Then, on Thursday night, in front of the eyes of all the football fans in America, they let Ryan Fitzpatrick(!!!) dice them up. By my count they forced exactly one punt until the very end of the game when the Jets took three knees to run off the clock. Luckily, the offense made some big plays and kept the Bills in the game right to the very end. Of course, the next morning, the man in charge of the offense was fired. We're a joke. People are laughing at us. The next two games are Arizona (uh...) and New England (...ooh). It doesn't look like things are going to get any better.
dastiger
~dastiger
If you're gonna call the Redskins something akin to anything racial, which is awesome and necessary until they change it, do what Dan LeBatard does: The Washington RacialSlurs.
Summer
~summer
OP
lol, I dig that. I might not steal it only out of the stubbornness born from someone else saying it first.
TRAIN
~train
The Patriots are out to prove and yes to make a statement. They'll do that.
SettaFlamowitz
~settaflamowitz
Garropolo was also out to win himself a big contract, since even without getting injured, he could see the writing on the wall - at the end of the season, when he's got a year left on his contract, the Pats would trade him for someone else's next two years worth of first-round draft picks, and then he'd sign with his new team for a megabucks contract, since the Pats weren't going to give him starting-QB money when Brady hasn't shown signs of decline.
TRAIN
~train
Yes, true enough, but Brady won't be forever. Even the Patriots know that sooner or later, he'll follow Peyton, right out of the NFL. He'll retire, and they'll have to give someone else the helm.
SettaFlamowitz
~settaflamowitz
Yeah, but unless they plan on paying Garoppalo starter-level money, they'll want to trade him after this year. If I recall right, his contract expires after next year - and then they'd have no leverage except the franchise tag, which would mean paying two quarterbacks over ten million each. So I think they'll want to trade him at the end of this year and have Brisset as the next Heir Apparent.
TRAIN
~train
They better hope Brisset is the one then.
