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On The Nature of Lies and Fur and Aesexuality
9 years ago
I have about a thirty minute commute to work from home so that's about an hour's travel time each day. I spend this time in the car listening to audiobooks since my time to read physical books has waned in recent years (I would read them while driving but this is frowned upon)
Quite recently I picked up Seraphina by Rachel Hartman, a book set in a world where dragons and humans cohabitate, with dragons taking the form of humans to facilitate a shaky peace between the species. The titular character, Seraphina, was one I found I related too more than intended perhaps. Within the narrative, she is an odd cross between these two things, her mother having been one of these dragons in human for, and her father a human (Though he didn't know this about her mother at the time). Because of this she's half dragon, and must hide this reality from all that surround her, along with hiding the band of scales along her back and wrists, at risk of being exiled or worse.
I of course, have no draconic heritage and that is not why I relate. Seraphina is a good person, with a fairly on point moral compass, though she can be jealous and short tempered, but despite this, by the nature of what she is, she must also be a liar. As strange as it is, I relate to this in to a large degree. I may have mentioned it on Twitter or Tumblr, but for starters I'm aesexual, which isn't the most widely accepted of sexualities, though I will never claim to face such widespread prejudice as those along other spectrums. Still, while listening to the book, I kinda realized that (to a far lesser degree) I kinda know what that feels like?
And perhaps you do too...
Beyond my Asexualty, my online activties take on quite a large portion of my inner workings. It's a rather large part of my life in general, owing a lot of friendships, creations and even small income to such things. But if nearly anyone asks about those things I lie on automatic. It's become second nature, a reflexive action to the point where I stopped noticing it was strange. If someone asks 'How did your weekend' go, I really can't say 'Oh it was great I went to a bar with a racoon and got a brand new comission of my ratgirl waitress.' At least not in the outright sense. Of course this is in no way the fault of my conversation partner, more an internal insecurity, and one based upon my own choices rather than anything I cannot truly help, but it's...isolating perhaps? To have an inner world so steeped in something, but often building a wall of reflexive white lies between yourself and any true connection.
And I wonder if there's anything to be done about it? And then I think...no...not really. My parents discovered one of my white-lie-walls earlier in the year, finding out about my aesexuality, and it made my life patently worse as a result. And thus I've avoided the topic entirely, yet...it's something that is a part of my internal workings, I'm...alienated by the rather sex driven pressures of those around me, I think on these things long and often. Yet, if I wanted to have a conversation with my mother, sister, or 98% of my friends about these feelings, the attempt at connection would not lead to positive growth.
And as the book progressed I found myself thinking on it more. I think the same feeling, even discounting my aesexuality, can be found in many subcommunities in general. I can imagine a lot of you have rich inner worlds that manifest in small ways within the outer one, yet when someone inquires about them, your immediate impulse is to lie offhand, to a parent, or a relative, or acquaintance.
The book Seraphina, talks about how this weighs on the main character day to day, and how it perhaps chips away at the heart of her a little, because she is the unwilling liar. She would rather not do so, but to do anything else would change the perceptions of the people around her for the worse, so to live life as she knows it, its a necessity.
I may be overdramatic of course, I have no real issues that might lead to exile or death or anything so massive as that. But yet I feel perhaps a kinship in these white-lie-walls the book speaks of, and I do wonder if they block those who might visit my inner world from doing so. I wonder at times though I am asexual, if I go on a date, what would I tell him or her? I don't think what I find enjoyable in my inner world is going to fade at any point in my life going forwards. As seemingly innocuous as it is, will those white lie walls grow from a boarder fence into a fortress by the time I'm old enough to worry about things like marriage and true connection? Would hiding something that makes me happy in the day to day be worth the perceptional shift it saves me having to deal with? And, like Seraphina, do I, at the end of the story, choose to show the scales along my back, or risk the day to day abrasions along the white-lie-walls from crumbling and damaging something on the way down?...
I...don't even remotely know the answer to that.
ANYWAY WALL OF TEXT OVER.
THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING GO READ SERAPHINA BY RACHEL HARTMAN
Yep. Yep that should be your take away from this.
Quite recently I picked up Seraphina by Rachel Hartman, a book set in a world where dragons and humans cohabitate, with dragons taking the form of humans to facilitate a shaky peace between the species. The titular character, Seraphina, was one I found I related too more than intended perhaps. Within the narrative, she is an odd cross between these two things, her mother having been one of these dragons in human for, and her father a human (Though he didn't know this about her mother at the time). Because of this she's half dragon, and must hide this reality from all that surround her, along with hiding the band of scales along her back and wrists, at risk of being exiled or worse.
I of course, have no draconic heritage and that is not why I relate. Seraphina is a good person, with a fairly on point moral compass, though she can be jealous and short tempered, but despite this, by the nature of what she is, she must also be a liar. As strange as it is, I relate to this in to a large degree. I may have mentioned it on Twitter or Tumblr, but for starters I'm aesexual, which isn't the most widely accepted of sexualities, though I will never claim to face such widespread prejudice as those along other spectrums. Still, while listening to the book, I kinda realized that (to a far lesser degree) I kinda know what that feels like?
And perhaps you do too...
Beyond my Asexualty, my online activties take on quite a large portion of my inner workings. It's a rather large part of my life in general, owing a lot of friendships, creations and even small income to such things. But if nearly anyone asks about those things I lie on automatic. It's become second nature, a reflexive action to the point where I stopped noticing it was strange. If someone asks 'How did your weekend' go, I really can't say 'Oh it was great I went to a bar with a racoon and got a brand new comission of my ratgirl waitress.' At least not in the outright sense. Of course this is in no way the fault of my conversation partner, more an internal insecurity, and one based upon my own choices rather than anything I cannot truly help, but it's...isolating perhaps? To have an inner world so steeped in something, but often building a wall of reflexive white lies between yourself and any true connection.
And I wonder if there's anything to be done about it? And then I think...no...not really. My parents discovered one of my white-lie-walls earlier in the year, finding out about my aesexuality, and it made my life patently worse as a result. And thus I've avoided the topic entirely, yet...it's something that is a part of my internal workings, I'm...alienated by the rather sex driven pressures of those around me, I think on these things long and often. Yet, if I wanted to have a conversation with my mother, sister, or 98% of my friends about these feelings, the attempt at connection would not lead to positive growth.
And as the book progressed I found myself thinking on it more. I think the same feeling, even discounting my aesexuality, can be found in many subcommunities in general. I can imagine a lot of you have rich inner worlds that manifest in small ways within the outer one, yet when someone inquires about them, your immediate impulse is to lie offhand, to a parent, or a relative, or acquaintance.
The book Seraphina, talks about how this weighs on the main character day to day, and how it perhaps chips away at the heart of her a little, because she is the unwilling liar. She would rather not do so, but to do anything else would change the perceptions of the people around her for the worse, so to live life as she knows it, its a necessity.
I may be overdramatic of course, I have no real issues that might lead to exile or death or anything so massive as that. But yet I feel perhaps a kinship in these white-lie-walls the book speaks of, and I do wonder if they block those who might visit my inner world from doing so. I wonder at times though I am asexual, if I go on a date, what would I tell him or her? I don't think what I find enjoyable in my inner world is going to fade at any point in my life going forwards. As seemingly innocuous as it is, will those white lie walls grow from a boarder fence into a fortress by the time I'm old enough to worry about things like marriage and true connection? Would hiding something that makes me happy in the day to day be worth the perceptional shift it saves me having to deal with? And, like Seraphina, do I, at the end of the story, choose to show the scales along my back, or risk the day to day abrasions along the white-lie-walls from crumbling and damaging something on the way down?...
I...don't even remotely know the answer to that.
ANYWAY WALL OF TEXT OVER.
THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING GO READ SERAPHINA BY RACHEL HARTMAN
Yep. Yep that should be your take away from this.
Such is the case of my girlfriend. She was my massage therapist and we fast became friends and "spiritually" connected on many things. But fearing my own sexuality, I attempted to "scare" her off and keep her as a friend by telling her everything. I thought it would keep our relationship comfortably in the friend-zone as you will. However, like I mentioned before, she actually found my fantasies and insecurities endearing and even found a lot of them pretty hot. We became a couple and she waited as long as she needed to for me to be comfortable with everything. And well now, we're trying for a baby. I'm still into my weird niche fetish, but as least I have a partner who loves me for my differences.
I might have won the lottery with her, but you never Reeeeeally know what people will say when you open up. Some people will predictably let you down and not understand, but some might want to help you or share in it with you. Especially in this day and age, when everyone is more and more accepting of things. Finding those real life people you can be yourself with is a great, great gift. That's what I'm really trying to push (not trying to convert you, god no!), just open up every now and you might be surprised to learn who you can now talk to.
Basically, I've considered myself asexual for a few years now, and I still do as far as everyone but whoever reads this is concerned, but truthfully? I'm unsure. Fairly recently, I've encountered erratic thoughts patterns/emotions when seeing dragons, goo or both (unsure how I should refer to this - equally unsure of what sexual attraction feels like, so I cannot make a valid/accurate comparison). As you'd probably expect, that's caused me to question if I am actually asexual, and I daren't tell anyone I know in real life this. At all. Reasons are too numerous and/or complex to list.
My point (sorry, I rambled on) is that you're definitely not alone in having two pretty much completely separate worlds. I know, it's an obvious observation, but extra supporting data can't do any harm. It's getting late and I should probably sleep, so all of what I just typed probably makes zero sense whatsoever. That's compounded by the fact that emotions... heck, internal cognitive processes in general are damn difficult to talk about. Was about to say "I'd be happy to talk about this more" but then I'd sound like a therapist or something and I'm completely inept ther- SLEEP. YES. GOING NOW.
I'm really sorry to hear that details about your asexuality made things worse when discovered. Don't think for even a second that you shouldn't feel bad because you feel like LGBT have it worse. Your struggles are valid no matter how they compare. I wish the best for you in finding a way to feel like you don't have to hide without feeling alienated.
But Caudle, do not for one second think that your struggles with your sexuality are not valid. Sexuality is on a spectrum and it's definitely not just the most popular 3 that suffer from stigma and hate.