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hey-o here comes the feelings vent train.
9 years ago
Buy me a ko-fi and fuel more personal art!
JOURNAL STARTS HERE I've come to realise lately that I've been feeling this weird mix of being totally content with the professional part of my life, so happy at getting to do art for a living, but my personal life is a total mess and as a person I don't feel as good about myself as a person as i did at the start of the year.
Since coming out as trans, i've done a lot of introspection. And a lot of things still confuse me to the point I just don't want to think about them anymore. like my sexuality. or my inner views on romance in relation to myself.
I'm very firm in my knowlege of who I am in respects to gender but sexuality and romance feel so fluid to me and my views on them change so constantly that I've just given up trying to label them and fully understand those things about myself. Maybe it'll happen sometime, maybe one day it'll just click and everything will fall into place, like my gender did. I just makes me so annoyed at myself that I feel so damn unattractive all the time and like no one I'm attracted to will ever find me attractive because I'm chubby and i'm into guys mainly but i'm always worried guys either wont wanna be with me or treat me like a guy in a sexual situation cause they'd be faced with tits and a vagina.
And with my gender... I firmly know I'm a guy. but my expression of that, being outside whats considered the norm, especially for trans guys, makes me feel so insecure to the point that I'm terrified to start transitioning medically, because I'm scared I wont be taken seriously because I don't fit the norm of wanting to be like a stereotypical guy. Even though I know there are plenty of cis guys I know who are just as non-standard as me in the same ways. mainly with self presentation.
I wanna enjoy myself and keep wearing things I love and things but every time I put on something like Fairy Kei, and look at myself, I think "look at you, you look so dumb and no one is going to take you seriously as a guy. Yeh you should just ignore that cause it doesn't matter but you're probably gonna be too much of a coward to ask to get refereed to a GIC any time soon, and dressing like this before you medically transition is just gonna make people think you're not serious about your gender." And it's gotten to the point where I rarely go out at all and just the thought of leaving the house makes me so sick with anxiety that I can't do anything. And that in turn makes me feel even worse about myself. and it's just becoming a bit of a vicious cycle of negative emotions.
Buh... I'm rambling... I rarely talk or write anything at all about how I feel because I never know how to word it and always think I make no sense and just get really worked up and my brain is constantly telling me no one cares no one wants to hear it or they'll think I'm fishing for attention because hey if it was just a need to get it out when I could just write it somewhere no one would see. And it feels like if i share my feelings I'm opening myself up to attack. by talking about being trans and related issues I feel like I'm going to be attacked by transphobic people or something. Maybe I'm just over cautious. but idk maybe I just want validation and comfort that what I think about myself isn't true.
aaand I'm probably going to delete this later. but hey at least I did something for once I usually give up half way through writing and delete everything lol.
Since coming out as trans, i've done a lot of introspection. And a lot of things still confuse me to the point I just don't want to think about them anymore. like my sexuality. or my inner views on romance in relation to myself.
I'm very firm in my knowlege of who I am in respects to gender but sexuality and romance feel so fluid to me and my views on them change so constantly that I've just given up trying to label them and fully understand those things about myself. Maybe it'll happen sometime, maybe one day it'll just click and everything will fall into place, like my gender did. I just makes me so annoyed at myself that I feel so damn unattractive all the time and like no one I'm attracted to will ever find me attractive because I'm chubby and i'm into guys mainly but i'm always worried guys either wont wanna be with me or treat me like a guy in a sexual situation cause they'd be faced with tits and a vagina.
And with my gender... I firmly know I'm a guy. but my expression of that, being outside whats considered the norm, especially for trans guys, makes me feel so insecure to the point that I'm terrified to start transitioning medically, because I'm scared I wont be taken seriously because I don't fit the norm of wanting to be like a stereotypical guy. Even though I know there are plenty of cis guys I know who are just as non-standard as me in the same ways. mainly with self presentation.
I wanna enjoy myself and keep wearing things I love and things but every time I put on something like Fairy Kei, and look at myself, I think "look at you, you look so dumb and no one is going to take you seriously as a guy. Yeh you should just ignore that cause it doesn't matter but you're probably gonna be too much of a coward to ask to get refereed to a GIC any time soon, and dressing like this before you medically transition is just gonna make people think you're not serious about your gender." And it's gotten to the point where I rarely go out at all and just the thought of leaving the house makes me so sick with anxiety that I can't do anything. And that in turn makes me feel even worse about myself. and it's just becoming a bit of a vicious cycle of negative emotions.
Buh... I'm rambling... I rarely talk or write anything at all about how I feel because I never know how to word it and always think I make no sense and just get really worked up and my brain is constantly telling me no one cares no one wants to hear it or they'll think I'm fishing for attention because hey if it was just a need to get it out when I could just write it somewhere no one would see. And it feels like if i share my feelings I'm opening myself up to attack. by talking about being trans and related issues I feel like I'm going to be attacked by transphobic people or something. Maybe I'm just over cautious. but idk maybe I just want validation and comfort that what I think about myself isn't true.
aaand I'm probably going to delete this later. but hey at least I did something for once I usually give up half way through writing and delete everything lol.
JOURNAL ENDS HERE
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A lion cub, of sordid mind,
Avoided all of Lion-kind;
Fond of applause, he sought the feasts,
Of vulgar and ignoble beasts;
- John Gay (1685-1732) - The Lion and the Cub
I definitely care and theres actually nothing wrong with wanting attention sometimes!
Don't put yourself down like that ;; youre very attractive, cute, kind and funny! You've always been
but I know it's hard to always feel that way. Just because someone might not take you seriously doesn't mean they are right
In fact nothing makes them more right than anyone even if you think its true ;; You've always been someone i've admired because of how cool you are about everything
And about how fun and self expressive you are! It's what makes you you and I enjoy that. And you don't have to be like that %100 all the time of course but it doesn't make you less of a person,
guy or anyone just because of the way you dress! It's stupid if someone is going to judge you based on that. In fact there are quite a few people/idols I know that dress similarly to you
and are considered "manly men" or something and people love them all the same! Of course there are people that don't but again that is /THEIR/ problem, NOT YOURS.
Honestly there are always going to be people that judge you but thats just apart of society and life and you shouldnt be scared of those people. You should be able to dress how you want to!
Because its your body and your life so do what you want. Its gonna sound really cheesy but they cant hurt you unless you let them. And how long are those people even going to be in your life?
How important are they? I use to get a lot of crap for dressing like a boy in highschool to the point I felt bullied out of it and stopped it. And now I seriously regret it ;; because its what made me happiest
I don't want you to stop or feel like you won't be taken seriously because someone is being a jerk to you. You won't be taken less seriously and if you are ignore it, fight it do what you feel is right.
But you're still always going to be the cute and amazing guy thats always inspired me ; - ;
Don't let these insecurities rule your life. It's important you face them sometimes and sometimes it just takes time so no rush ; v ;
But I /would/ encourage you talking about it to someone or others to help better understand yourself whether they help you or you figure it out on your own by talking to others
It's really helpful sometimes! Sexuality is a complicated thing that is different for every person and you don't need to label it or anything as long as you're ok with yourself
There is someone who is always going to understand you and someone that is meant for you so don't worry! In time it'll come I know it <33
IM SO SORRY FOR ALL THE RAMBLING I HOPE YOURE OK!! /HUGS SUPER TIGHT I LOVE YOU OK ;; I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON <333
Life can be rough when you look at all of these things and the best thing we can do is try to over come them and work on trying to change things to see where it can get you, but people also fear change and fear can control what you do. If you want to start somewhere, learn to love yourself more, not in the selfish way, but pick up on the things about you you like most then use this love to start improve things about you, to push away and block out the things you hate about you, when you learn to work your way to overcome such things, it gets better, it's not easy but you must keep hope and work, nothing in life comes easily, but the hard work is great to look upon once you manage it.
We hope that you start to feel better soon.
Just be yourself. It doesn't matter what anyone else says, even though it would be amazing to be accepted by the entire world, that's a false reality. Even if you were born biologically as the way you wanted, people would still be trying to put you down. Just keep looking up, and focusing on yourself. Another valuable thing to remember is that you have to choose your battles. If you need to talk to someone, go ahead and message one of us, don't work yourself up yelling at random people.
Anyway, I love you. Please be safe, I'll do my best to be a friend to you. - <3 Sherbert