The first part of this may be that I am not going to go to Elliott's Fall Festival or EFF I am still up in the air about it, it will be the first one that I have missed and a very long time actually sense they have been putting that mete up I gave jimmy (the best friend I never had or will have) $60.00 that was so I would have gas money and maybe some beer money for that Fur-mete but tomorrow is grocery day and I have not really checked my bank account today but I'd probably have about $1.00 maybe a little more in it. Then I have $16.00 in food stamps that glorious money that the United States government gives its people to put food on their table for a month.

I don't understand any more I went to school I went to trade schools two of them I paid out of my own pocket the company I worked for more now went to the third one said they were paying for it but they took the money out of my checking waves through a lot and I learned how to take worthless honks of metal and turn them into valuable parts parts that are now still floating around in outer space I do not know what they're doing out there but a lot of it was done during the star wars program.

And I get $1058.00 a month to live on ((( do not get me wrong folks I am not asking for any money))) I know everybody out there has a hard life and they have people that depend on them so I am not asking for anything.

It just seems that the money that I'd put aside or have given to somebody will now go for something else I was told that I need to get out of my house more I find that I can't do that is much as I wish I could I can't by shorted the electric company the cable company and most of all I shorted my rent this month just to get $60.00 to do EFF which now all I am probably not going to get to go to.

But this is getting away from why I am posting this journal, I lost a lot of very good and dear friends in October some I have mentioned before maybe in other journals or on other websites especially about this time and year some from childhood and some from beyond that, and I know people and friends and family tell me I should not think about that but it is very hard not to when it seems that all you have is time to think about it and this time of year is hard especially when you try. I am about to the point of stop went to a picnic the other day a lot of people there a lot younger then me and this goes for most of the people I know sitting there playing on their cell phones and tablets I guess I don't relate to that anymore as my cell phone does not do that in any way HELL does not even have a camera I do have to others but I cannot afford any type of phone service on them or what ever it is called today, my computer I was very proud of I built it piece by piece back in 2004 and it is running Windows 10 but if anything happened right now I could not afford to fix a fan if I had to.

I worked my butt off I try to build something for myself I let relationships and friends and family tear me apart I am still trying to get caught up from my last relationship that this month would be a year ago as I put him on the bus October 3 and only heard from him one time and some ovule say that that wasn't my fault some of you will say that it was myself I do not care anymore whether it was or whether wasn't I'm getting to the point where I don't care about nothing not even cooking or caring about cooking is hard for me to say but it does not bring pleasure anymore and I thought in my entire life I would never say that, that I would never feel the pleasure of cooking a meal or showing it or telling how I did it or watching the faces on the people who ate it as they enjoyed it.

I am tired I have three things in this world that I care about and that previous statement as "I have three things" they are not things they are my children my cat's I set up good homes for them when I am gone although Smudge I don't know what I will do or what he will do without me and he is the only reason while I stay.