Damn. I remember 5 years ago, on this day,  athus passed away.

During that time, I wasn't a furry, but I was really interested in being one. It felt hard to try and come in, though, since at that time I was a really shy, depressed 17 year old loner. I didn't feel like I could do it, despite wanting to. And when I found out he died, it felt like my world had shattered. I felt guilty that I didn't even give myself a chance to try and branch out to him to at least say 'hello,' or something ._. It was hard to get over, but after 2 years the dread left me, even though I never knew the guy. Ever since it did, my life has done nothing but improve.

Today, I almost never think about it. I only like to move ahead, because my teenage years were so much different than they are now. Back then I just felt terrible all the time, mostly about myself, but also about the world around me, the people I was surrounded by, and about the little friends I had then. Now I feel alot better about myself, so the world around me and being alone don't bother me as much as it used to - in fact, it almost never does.

I wonder though where he'd be today if he did survive the car crash that took his life, and if we would have ever met paths. I feel like we could have, since I've sent messages to other furs before I was interested in starting a friendship with, and if we did, what that would have been like. Could we have been best friends, decent friends, acquaintances, or nothing at all. Would it have lasted a little while, or for a life time? I don't know, and never will. It's just something I have to live with - I mean, I've already been doing that for 5 years now :\.

I do feel like his death moved me alot, and if he did survive the accident, I wouldn't be who I am today. I may have never decided to become a fur and open up to people. I could have just never have any kind of force telling me to just do it. I honestly believe his death was that force that I really needed. I was so trapped in my negative emotions, that only something as powerful and emotional as his unfortunate passing could move it somewhere - anywhere at all. I can't, and refuse, to say that his death was a good thing, but it may have just helped me for the better in the long run. Even if it's something I don't think about often anymore, it's something I must cherish for the rest of my existence.

But anyhow, take some time today to remember him, and if you don't know him, look into his work for a little bit. I believe he was a loving, gentle soul, and his untimely death was something undeserving for him. But there's always some kind of positive in a negative, and that may have been that he changed my life - and many - others' lives for the better.