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When I was in university, first year. I struggled making any friends, just because you leave high school doesn't mean everyone has matured into adults. Bullies come in all shapes and forms. A girl sent one of my close friends to come beat me up in the Art Faculty bathroom because she was high off her mind on weed and thought I was saying things when I wasn't. A gay guy told me I looked ugly and should go kill myself because I grew my hair out and his boyfriend was someone that loved me and I rejected because I was loyal with another.

I had no friends in one part of my transition from Primary to High school because my friends were always in a lower grade than me. But I was too smart and clever to have them hold me back a year, so they separated me from people I liked hanging out with, to be with people who ended up bullying me everyday...

The truth was... I was alone. My family would leave me every weekend to be alone at home, which wasn't that bad...but I needed someone to talk and hang out to me. I stopped talking for a course of 3 years and didn't even open a text book to study. Yet I got average marks for all my exams. All I did was hide behind a computer screen, play Sims, Roller Coaster Tycoon and sometimes draw.

Drawing...

That was my only escape when I was in school, people would find me weird but still praise me for making an effort at something. Even though I sucked at drawing back then, I was still respected for that little effort.

I remember the reason why I didn't pursue studying Afrikaans (my secondary language in school) because I made a single mistake, which later I found was correct, and having the entire classroom laugh at me...even the teacher did too. And that teacher never did anything about what this one student said to me...I've never forgotten it.

He said:

"Out of all the things I've seen in my life which are retarded, you are the biggest one"

It hurt...a lot, being called retarded. A kid 4 years younger than me told kept repeating those words on my way back from school one day. African kid, with 2 Caucasian females...as he rode a pink bicycle, it was bizarre seeing 2 teenagers hang with a 11 year old while the 11 year old kept calling you retarded as they laughed. Well at the time the kid seemed really cocky and very easy to knock out. I was wrong, he knew martial arts where I didn't and knocked me out in a single move. Not only was I bullied but beaten up for standing up for myself.

I had no one, except for my dog. Zack, he was so loyal and loving, never would harm a fly (literally). He was my best friend at the time, and my only friend. But I grew selfish and bubbled up after that kid knocked me out, no one cared about me, no one liked me. I felt hated and isolated. Zack was there but I started to isolate myself from everyone.

One Sunday morning I made sandwiches, enjoying cartoons on television, when Zack came in and begged for food. I got so annoyed, that I told him to go away. I remember him leaving that door with his tail between his legs and going outside. An hour later my Mom asked where Zack was...he wasn't anywhere.

I said to her:

"He probably jumped over the wall and will be back in a few hours"

5 days later, 5 days of walking my entire neighbourhood at 5am in the morning trying to find my dog. Calling Zack...searching. I walked my entire neighbourhood several times...

Thursday afternoon

My mom calls me and tells me

"Sean...I'm coming home and I need you to help me with something, okay?"

She got home and she was in tears. She hugged me and opened the boot of the car.

Zack was there, cold, stiff...he was... dead. And because of me, because of how selfish I was he died. And I was truly alone. I kissed him on the cheek and hugged him as long as I could.

He was found 4 days before he died. Kept in a garage because he didn't have a collar on and left to die because the couple who took him in didn't wan't him to be outside and die. He left him to die in their garage, no calling SPCA, nor Animal Welfare...not taking him to the vet. They let my best friend die because they were afraid it would cost too much and there was no owner.

I was angry...I cried for so long. My best friend...my only friend. Where was I to go? No one would care if I died though. I thought of one way to kill the pain. By taking my own life.


I was in a hole, a deep dark one. My anxieties were fresh and I needed someone, anyone to hear me screaming by myself in my house alone.


It was hell. But when I picked up that knife...I put it to my throat and closed my eyes and said "NO! Not yet...I can change...I can be better...I can be there...I can help...I can mature...I can teach the world what I learned...love and admiration for those who need it...I know I'm not alone in this, there must be many like me that need someone to hold them"

I didn't pursue it...I didn't kill myself. But not because I was afraid...but because I felt I was needed by the world for something more.

I was still a teenager, still immature...still selfish. But never once was I uncaring and just as loving as I needed to be. I was angry and depressed sure...but still loyal and caring as I forced myself to be.

You...are not alone. No matter where you are and who you are. I'll always be there for you...I don't care if I have to look after a billion people...They all need love. They all need some acknowledgement. Don't snap back when people are cruel to you...if they are cruel, you don't need to be as well. Everyone deserves love. Even bullies need it.

If someone is in tears, hug them...if they push you away, force a hug...don't let go and tell them: "Don't worry anymore, you are not alone and you have someone that cares for you right now. Tell me what is wrong?"

Be patient, be kind, be understanding, be respectful...but always be empathetic to others...we need that. We need to be heard, we need to be changed, we need to be cared for.


And lastly...we all need to know.




You are not alone

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