*hugs* I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Depression and anxiety is a horrible thing to go through... your mind attacks itself. But just know that you are not alone. It's hard when other people don't understand what you're going through but there are people out there that understand. I am one of them. i suffer from the same thing and it seems that no matter what you do or what you have, you're never happy and it truly sucks!! But there are ways to get help or ways to make it easier to cope... If nothing else seems to help, you might need to see a doctor and take antidepressants and/or anxiety medicine. I know that might sound scary or stupid but many people have to live on medicine so that their brain will chill. So if it comes down to that DO NOT feel like you're the only one, you are definitely not I can promise you this.... and there is nothing wrong with you if you have to take them just helps you cope and doesn't let you attack yourself. I dont want to ramble but just wanted to let you know that you are ok... you will be ok and you are not alone

I know so many people on here have the same thing or incredibly worse. I've been to the doctor, that's how I know what I have. Unfortunately it was in my home town (I wanted to go to a doctor I knew) and he could only recommend specific help back home. I don't even know if there's any way up here I can find that help. Country towns don't often have the best mental resources. I'd probably have to seek a doctor up here and go through the whole thing again... something that makes my stomach sink. I thought being told what I had would be enough. I'm a logic person and I thought I could think my way out of it. But logic is gone. I'm just too scared to do any of this alone anymore.

Totally understand that... but it's crazy when logic goes out the window and you think that you can get through it by just thinking your way out of it... but unfortunately thats not the case. Just take a deep breath and take the first step. i live in a small town (yes I'm in the US) but still there are good doctors out there that can and will help you. Or you may need to travel about an hour or so depending how things are set up for you there. But you can do it. and if its something you really need, then you can't really afford not to do it. I've struggled with it my whole life, and I'm only able to push it aside for so long before i have to break down and take my medicine. But just taking the first step will do you so much good and you will be happier and be able to enjoy things again and enjoy your new wonderful sweet puppy that loves you so much!!

"How come I can have a sweet dog, two adorable cats, a loving boyfriend, a massive house we rent for cheap and a whole farm to explore and NOT BE HAPPY?! What the fuck could I possibly be missing"

You don't know me but this sounds SO familiar and what I wrote helped me in the past, maybe it'll help you as well. Sorry if I get a bit assertive in here, but it really sounds so much like what I and so many of my friends went through.

There's no fulfillment in being given what we craved. So whatever you crave next (more local friends as I think I read from this post?) will help for a while but once those are unavailable for whatever reason you'll be right where you are right now again. So if anything, don't look for more things to fill the void that you feel you've discovered, there's nothing down that road.

Anxiety is normal, everyone has it to some degree. The trick is not get affected in it in such a way that it hurts you. I read some shame out of what you wrote (about how you should be working instead of complaining) which is pretty much where it starts to really affect you.

How everyone deals with them is up to them. Those ideas are both from Buddhist teachings and someone who really wanted to sell you on the idea would tell you to start meditating, but I've noticed that's a hard thing to do if you feel horrible to begin with. What you should try in any case is disconnect the pain from the suffering, however that works best for you.

You may have anxiety or doubts, but think of it as a thought that you can decide to acknowledge but not follow. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. If it helps, imagine it as a well-meaning but just very very overcautious influence on you that you can acknowledge and then decline. Find something pleasant in unpleasant things and vice-versa. It helps at least with realizing that some bad things are not the end of the world, and some good things are not the unending source of joy they look like. And once you're there, and things feel less dramatic and life-impacting, you start to feel happier automatically as a result.

Like I said, no idea if you want to accept advice from a stranger from the internet who has no other connection than having seen your art on reddit one day but hopefully this helps you or someone who reads the comments. I wish you the best in any case, changes are admittedly what we all are worst at dealing with.

Thank you for reaching out to me. Whether you advice works for me or not it's the thought that people like you will help a stranger that gives me some hope.

You can always hit me up if you need to talk!

I know :)
But at the moment I'd struggle to say more than I already have.

It's alright, it's just an offer if you need someone somewhen! (:

From what you've described a trip to your GP is definitely in order to discuss this.

Also, I used to have extremely strong and illogical knee jerk reactions due to built up stress as well when I was much younger. I managed to at least hold it at bay with going to yoga and mindfulness classes. If you've never done those, give it a try. They're worth every cent and will at least help you better understand yourself, and ideally help you with this stress.

I'll see what's available in town but I dunno if there's much more than a few independent gyms.

I've seen my GP about it last year. He reccomended help and I was (ironically) too anxious to seek it... I may have to see a local GP here but I don't think I'll find much help within an hour's drive... and that intimidates me.

Hmm, often the best yoga and mindfulness instructors don't run out of gyms. Many operate out of a small private studio or room with small size classes.

But yes, that anxiousness sounds pretty difficult. Reaching out and pushing yourself to see the help your doctor suggests is a big step, but one that may ultimately be worth it. Still, if you want help or advice from someone who dealt with the same stress and anxiousness before and conquered it, feel free to drop me a note or contact me on Skype.

Interestingly, my knee jerk response to the stress was often blind, frothing rage. Thankfully, that is very well under control and has been for a decade. Anyway, I've come down with the flu and I'm crashing. I'll get back to you tomorrow if you need anything.

I get the rage thing. I tend to be able to stem that before it gets to bad.
I acknowledge that my mental condition isn't anywhere near as bad as many people I've encountered on here. I don't confine myself to my home or have too much trouble getting up in the morning. I guess I figured it wasn't effecting me so much that I'd have to do anything in the long term. Bah!

Thank you though. Again, like the others, I really appreciate you taking to time to help me.

You're welcome. Come chat with me sometime if you'd like to get some help or just chat. :)

I Am always open to talk if you need to :3 I Don't claim to know how you feel, because I Don't, but I Will try to understand and help :3

*hugs*

Hey,
It definitely seems like professional help might be the best way forward. I know it can be scary to acknowledge this sort of thing and seeking help to treat it can make it feel more severe, so it is "easier" to sit on it and hope it will pass, but the reason the professionals are there is because these are real problems that need to be treated seriously.
Otherwise I am always happy to chat if it will help you feel better.

*hugs* i know the feeling when friends are so far away that you cant go and see them as often as you like. at least you have that puppy and the two cats keeping you some company which should keep you more or less happier i hope.

I literally just got home from one.

I've dealt with depression and anxiety like this myself - and trust me, these thoughts aren't that far off from what I was thinking. I often told myself that I was a pathetic piece of shit for feeling empty and sad - using the things that were good in my life to attack myself. "You're so fortunate - how can you be so miserable when there are people who have it so much worse? You're just a whining attention craving fuckwad."

But the thing is, your problems with depression hurt well enough to be real, and you attacking yourself is another symptom of such. Even though it originates in your head, it's not your fault - be patient with yourself. You aren't weak, or exploitative, your head is just actively trying to make you feel like shit. But you're much better than you think you are.

It's not an easy thing to go through or treat - with no one size fits all solution, but there is no shame in getting help. See about getting anti-depressants - as a fair amount of depression can very well be chemical in nature. I was adamant about that step myself, thinking myself weak for it - but there is no weakness in seeking help.

Possibly consider a psychiatrist, sometimes they can be hit and miss - but it can help to have a professional opinion. As well, maybe discuss how you're feeling with those you care about - they're likely to be more supportive than you think. They may not have the answers, but it's good to have support.

All in all, depression and anxiety are not easy things to deal with, but don't be afraid to seek help when you need it.

I think a lot of other people here have offered really good advice. To chime in my own thoughts, though, I might recommend getting physically checked for imbalances in vitamin and/or hormone levels. I've had a lot of anxiety, depression, and uncontrollable emotions, and I've heard that those don't help. Also, being sure to get plenty of sleep is important. One of the worst times of my life stemmed from me not getting enough sleep. After a few days of rest and relaxing, though, it made all the difference in the world. It may not fix anything, but it could help to alleviate it a little.

I'm sorry to hear you've been going through all of this. I'm always open to talk if you need an ear, and I hope things can get better for you soon! Your problems are definitely not insignificant or a burden and I think talking about them is a really good thing *hugs*.

A friend sent me this as a self help thing for his depression and anxiety, I hope it can help you.: https://www.dropbox.com/s/3c92s4n16.....t_web.pdf?dl=0

It is a workbook for Cognitive Behavior Therapy, it works best when coupled with a therapist, but it can work as a stand alone tool as well.

You are not broken, that is the first thing to remember, just different.

I don't even have the proper words, advice or solution. I won't tell you that I'll hug you because you have people around and animals there for this. But I know how it's depressing to return to a place you don't like. To a place where everything is a small piece of your mind. It's dreadful...

I didn't read all the comments above, but it's great to see that people are trying to help you and I hope that you'll find some solution there. I'd like to chat with you sometimes on some IM but I'm kinda like: "Ammm... so about what we should talk now?" - but I now that talking with strangers won't solve everything.

There is this song -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LBOjxBty8U - It's sad but... it helps me to went out all the wrong feelings and emotions when I feel that everything is wrong around. Gosh... how many litres of tears I have poured because of this melody.

[sorry if my comment was even more depressive apart from others... I just wanted to tell all of this because I feel emotionally bounded to someone who fells like that. I wish you all best and I hope that you'll find a peace of mind soon]

"Every time she needs something when I'm not prepared to do it it's like the whole world falls in. Every time she ignores a command... I mean she's a fucking puppy and I know this? Why does it knock my world spinning?"

So you've been diagnosed with anxiety/depression (which I also have), but this symptom sounds more like something from Autism Spectrum Disorder (which includes Asperger's). I'm not saying you necessarily have this, but understanding how and why the mind processes this can help lead to coping mechanisms.

I work with mentally handicapped adults for a living, many being autistic, and one thing I've learned is that structured routines are a key foundation to their stability in moving through life. Even anticipating changes to a regular routine can create acute anxiety, especially the longer the mind fixates on it.

So other than distracting yourself with an activity that keeps your mind in the present moment, one thing that can really help is to sit down and write out some possible scenarios as to what the puppy may need out of the blue or anything else that may crop up as an "emergency" or something. Then you simply write out a game plan as to how you will respond if and when that scenario happens. If you need to, keep this tool on your person so you can refer to it anywhere you are. That way, if something out of the ordinary for your daily routine DOES happen, you already have a decision in place you can refer to and act upon.

If I had a daily routine this would make a lot of sense. Unfortunately I'm naturally inconsistent, which is why I often struggle doing a full week of artwork (or regular work at that) because I get bored. I believe this is more just a sudden lifestyle change (forced exercise and outside time I don't necessarily want even if I need it) as well as the additional stress of losing work time from my day.

I don't know if I can add anything else as everyone above seems to have said it already. But hope you're ok now

Stuff like this affects us all sometimes, I think. *hugs*