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Lost diary of Captain Cookie: Shiitake
9 years ago
General
"Aye, I remember it well. Twas the Shiitake of 83 it was. Was sittin there working on a roast while O Patrick was workin on tha potatohs. The lad dina see it comin, one o the potatos was bad. Rot to the core, he died n less n a minnute. But the roast stew was not ready. So shufflin over I ripped the potato he has been workin on out of his cold dead 'and. Thrust it in the stew, brought the heat up to 400 degrees and set it to cook while I heaved the body over. Well we had the General for dinner that eve so I cudna put it off. So they got me a new assist'nt by the name of Franko. Franko was one o them types that bronzed themselves dayly. Sad sap was as incompetent as they came but th' muscle to make up for it. He was peelin them carrots for the stew... Peeled so hard his left pinkie came clean off it did. Went right n the stew but he was so bronzed and orange we couldnt find it amongst all the other baby carrots. So I sent him off to the med wing but he bled to death flexin his muscles to impress the new lieutenant on the way. Was gettin dark that day, two men cut down. I tossed the peeler over board and gave the replacement a spoon to peel with. Well the next idiot they sent me hadnt even taken a basic cooking class before. Couldna cook an egg if his life depended on it. He got the sour cream and whipped cream mixed up, so that added a layer of surprise to the cake. Well by now you are probly asking, there has been no mention of mushrooms at all so far, what this got to do with any of that? Well now, ya see the feast had begun and I was cleanin the kitch'n. Well the general brought the Russian ambassador with 'im that night. He was dreadfully allergic to fish. But thats not really important because the general was the one who discovered Franko first. It started a bit of a scene and when the general spit it out it hit a Private in the back of the head. He thought he has been shot at so he opened fired on the banquet and the cheap or'derves. It caused such a panic that everyone went wild firing at each other. As you know grenade practice is a tad weak on battleships, so when Lieutenant Prescott heav'ed is ol pineapple, it went into the ducts and blew out the engine room. Well the ship started to go down. luckily I had just finished the dishes and 'ad opened the porthole for fresh air to dry em. I jumped out the window with a few supplies. Ship went down, I was the only survivor. Well the crate I was floatin on happened to be imported grub from the ship we sank last week. Shiitake mushrooms. had ta stew em in sea water and cook em on burning crate bits. Ill never forget that day. They tasted awful they did."
I'd buy her a round to keep telling stories after a tale like that one.