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Why can't I write?
9 years ago
Commissions are temporarily closed
============================
I don't know the answer yet. But I think I have one.
As it is, I'm torn between my need - And my desire - To provide for my clients, and my need - And desire - To relax. I've been stressed, anxious, and depressed lately. To ward off comments, this isn't about the election. At least not entirely. The only extent to which it is is the extent to which politics has surrounded me with negativity. I don't cut off contact easily. I don't cut off contact until I'm convinced that someone is not only wrong, not only 'toxic,' but also malicious. I feel like I'm surrounded by anger, and can do nothing about it. I feel like people like talking about things, but only as far as talking about politics allows them to snark the 'other side.' And it's made things frustrating.
I keep seeing people say they're there if anyone ever needs to talk about them. But I can't help feeling that they only want to talk because of the presidential election turning out against the things they care about. I feel like that puts a pressure on me to be angry about Donald Trump. Or to be angry about people voting for him. But I'm not. I'm just depressed. I'd feel like this if Clinton had won. I'd feel like this if there'd been no election. I'd feel like this if we somehow lived in a perfect society where everything worked out amazingly, every time. If society were redesigned to my wishes, and those wishes worked out how I want them to instead of getting complicated by the fact that people do stuff and act in weird ways, I'd still feel like this.
It's just something I have to deal with, whoever lives on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And of course I just spent a lot of words talking about the election, despite the fact that what I'm trying to get across is that I'm not upset by that. I'm just down.
But right now, I'm dealing with depression. Unless my friends are coming over, I can barely get out of bed. Even to get myself food. I don't think there's much I can eat in the house. I can't sleep without putting on an audiobook or a podcast, because if left to my own devices I just get sad and angry and, well, depressed. I have stories I've bought, pictures I've bought, that I haven't uploaded because I can't muster the energy to do that. I just sit here, petting my cat, and trying to keep going.
But as a result, I can't write. I'd like it if you cared about my depression. I'm sure many of you do. A lot of you seem like really nice people. But it's not fair of me to ask that you care about my personal life. You all have lives of your own to deal with. You take care of yourselves. My main intersection with a lot of you is my writing. Right now, there's very little of it. And you deserve an explanation.
When it comes to writing, I'm torn. I'm torn between a desire to work on side projects to help keep myself steady, and a desire to fulfill obligations. I don't have the energy to work on those obligations. But I also couldn't feel good about writing anything else, as long as I have them. You deserve better than for me to promise to write something for you,t hen knock out thousands of words about some random thing that comes into my head. That's not fair to you. And so I just get more stressed over the prospect, struggling to write even more because my anxiety is high without that way to relieve it. A friend of mine had an interesting idea for a story (even if it seemed less interesting to me, it was interesting to him) and said he thought he'd just go home and do that. I couldn't help feeling envius of his ability to go home and just write when he wanted to, without having these backlogged obligations.
That's why the writing isn't coming like it should, and like you deserve.
To the people who have commissioned me - I'm sorry. I'm a deeply flawed person. I will try to give you what you deserve.
To the people who have not, but like my writing - I'm sorry. I have other commitments. If you like my work, I apologize that it's not here. You deserve better, too.
To everyone - I know I mentioned politics, but this isn't about that. This is just an explanation of where I am. And in general, just know that I hope you succeed at whatever it is you're doing. If you're having similar problems, I hope that maybe my talking about this helped. If not, I'm sorry if I made it worse. I hope things work out.
In general, I just needed to say this. I feel like an answer was deserved. I wish it was a better one.
As it is, I'm torn between my need - And my desire - To provide for my clients, and my need - And desire - To relax. I've been stressed, anxious, and depressed lately. To ward off comments, this isn't about the election. At least not entirely. The only extent to which it is is the extent to which politics has surrounded me with negativity. I don't cut off contact easily. I don't cut off contact until I'm convinced that someone is not only wrong, not only 'toxic,' but also malicious. I feel like I'm surrounded by anger, and can do nothing about it. I feel like people like talking about things, but only as far as talking about politics allows them to snark the 'other side.' And it's made things frustrating.
I keep seeing people say they're there if anyone ever needs to talk about them. But I can't help feeling that they only want to talk because of the presidential election turning out against the things they care about. I feel like that puts a pressure on me to be angry about Donald Trump. Or to be angry about people voting for him. But I'm not. I'm just depressed. I'd feel like this if Clinton had won. I'd feel like this if there'd been no election. I'd feel like this if we somehow lived in a perfect society where everything worked out amazingly, every time. If society were redesigned to my wishes, and those wishes worked out how I want them to instead of getting complicated by the fact that people do stuff and act in weird ways, I'd still feel like this.
It's just something I have to deal with, whoever lives on Pennsylvania Avenue.
And of course I just spent a lot of words talking about the election, despite the fact that what I'm trying to get across is that I'm not upset by that. I'm just down.
But right now, I'm dealing with depression. Unless my friends are coming over, I can barely get out of bed. Even to get myself food. I don't think there's much I can eat in the house. I can't sleep without putting on an audiobook or a podcast, because if left to my own devices I just get sad and angry and, well, depressed. I have stories I've bought, pictures I've bought, that I haven't uploaded because I can't muster the energy to do that. I just sit here, petting my cat, and trying to keep going.
But as a result, I can't write. I'd like it if you cared about my depression. I'm sure many of you do. A lot of you seem like really nice people. But it's not fair of me to ask that you care about my personal life. You all have lives of your own to deal with. You take care of yourselves. My main intersection with a lot of you is my writing. Right now, there's very little of it. And you deserve an explanation.
When it comes to writing, I'm torn. I'm torn between a desire to work on side projects to help keep myself steady, and a desire to fulfill obligations. I don't have the energy to work on those obligations. But I also couldn't feel good about writing anything else, as long as I have them. You deserve better than for me to promise to write something for you,t hen knock out thousands of words about some random thing that comes into my head. That's not fair to you. And so I just get more stressed over the prospect, struggling to write even more because my anxiety is high without that way to relieve it. A friend of mine had an interesting idea for a story (even if it seemed less interesting to me, it was interesting to him) and said he thought he'd just go home and do that. I couldn't help feeling envius of his ability to go home and just write when he wanted to, without having these backlogged obligations.
That's why the writing isn't coming like it should, and like you deserve.
To the people who have commissioned me - I'm sorry. I'm a deeply flawed person. I will try to give you what you deserve.
To the people who have not, but like my writing - I'm sorry. I have other commitments. If you like my work, I apologize that it's not here. You deserve better, too.
To everyone - I know I mentioned politics, but this isn't about that. This is just an explanation of where I am. And in general, just know that I hope you succeed at whatever it is you're doing. If you're having similar problems, I hope that maybe my talking about this helped. If not, I'm sorry if I made it worse. I hope things work out.
In general, I just needed to say this. I feel like an answer was deserved. I wish it was a better one.
Considering the overwhelming evidence that suggested Clinton was going to fuck over everyone else for her own personal gain, anything that was bad about Trump could be applied tenfold to her. The kind of ignorance and cognitive dissonance to think Pussy Grabbger McGee was somehow worse than the murdering whore of Babylon is itself a damning quality. You look at her history, you look at the DNC leak revealing the rigging, you look at the money laundering in the Clinton Foundation, you look at the poll rigging in Detroit, Obama shilling for the bitch at the taxpayer's dollar. Fuck, you look at anything in her history and then look at people who still think she's better than Trump and at that point, the entire facade of tolerant liberalism just evaporates.
Honestly, just go to r/The_Donald, watch this video and just get hype. We MAGA in less than a month.
To actually solve your problem, I will make a suggestion. I never accept payment until the commission is done. I always get things done on my timetable and I accept no pressure, no obligation. That comes at a cost of immediate spending money, but fuck it. It'll be there when I want it. Beyond that, I always start stories if I'm in the mood. Finishing, again, can come at any time. It should always about how you feel because how you feel dictates your ability to write.
And if you want someone to actually talk to when you have a problem, you talk to me. I like to talk to people, but more importantly, I really like solving problems.