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A Very Happy Birthday for Drgn
9 years ago
I'm cross-posting this because hardly anybody will see it elsewhere. Fucking FA. Why can't this site die already.
It's my 26th birthday today, and honestly I don't have very much to enjoy about it. I just need to get this off my chest, I hope you guys understand if I have nothing happy to say.
As you all may know, I struggled with depression for several years, and that cratered any attempts I made at taking college classes. It's only been in the past year that I've been able to get anything meaningful done. I'm about halfway to a two-year degree, and I would like to transfer to a local four-year school for a geology degree. But I look at people like my younger sister, who's going to get her medical degree in 2017, and I just feel as if I'm being left further and further behind. I'll probably be thirty by the time I can graduate.
I have to depend on my folks for a lot of things since I'm still in school. Room, food, even spending money. My family's lower middle-class, so I don't get much of it. I did for a few months last year, but that was only because I was working a very comfortable and busy temporary job. The majority of my paychecks went towards jumpstarting my college semester in the spring. Anyway, thanks to the... aborted attempts at college while I was in that funk, I've left my family with nearly $8000 in student debt. Even if I manage to graduate, that's not going away. I honestly feel like the most enormous burden to them, and it feels as if my progress towards a degree has no end in sight.
On top of everything, since I've turned 26, I've now been dropped from my parents' insurance.
I coped with the growing dread by just taking things day by day, focusing absolutely on the present only and not even thinking about the future. But on Oct. 20th I was in a very violent car accident on the Interstate on my way to class. The sun was directly in my eyes, and thanks to being fooled by the traffic flow, I ran into the back of three other vehicles that'd stopped and gotten backed up on an off-ramp.
My truck was totaled. I got slammed into the dashboard so hard it bent the steering wheel in half. That old piece of shit truck my uncle foisted on me had no airbags and without my seatbelt I would've been launched out the windshield. It's a miracle nobody was hurt seriously.
Yes, I'm okay. I was very sore for awhile, but I'm doing better now.
But I'm likely to be found at fault for it even though I didn't do anything wrong, and my truck didn't have collision insurance on it. So that is even more money I'm draining from my family. I feel really awful about it, and I have no idea what to do.
The election was a shit show. I won't discuss it any further than that, except to say it made my emotions tank even harder.
At this point I'm feeling rather down and frustrated, and it's not a very happy birthday at all. My folks were gone all day, and my brother turned dinner into a shouting argument. There wasn't even any cake...
I'm struggling with hopelessness, having to push myself through the motions and being fussed at by my grandmother because she hates letting me borrow her car. If I went and looked for a job so I could have money to spend, I'd have to put my time into that instead of school, and I'd never have any hope of graduating or getting a decent career in anything but retail. And staying in school, well... It just seems as if the payoff for it is impossibly far away.
What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to deal with this? I just want to scream...
It's my 26th birthday today, and honestly I don't have very much to enjoy about it. I just need to get this off my chest, I hope you guys understand if I have nothing happy to say.
As you all may know, I struggled with depression for several years, and that cratered any attempts I made at taking college classes. It's only been in the past year that I've been able to get anything meaningful done. I'm about halfway to a two-year degree, and I would like to transfer to a local four-year school for a geology degree. But I look at people like my younger sister, who's going to get her medical degree in 2017, and I just feel as if I'm being left further and further behind. I'll probably be thirty by the time I can graduate.
I have to depend on my folks for a lot of things since I'm still in school. Room, food, even spending money. My family's lower middle-class, so I don't get much of it. I did for a few months last year, but that was only because I was working a very comfortable and busy temporary job. The majority of my paychecks went towards jumpstarting my college semester in the spring. Anyway, thanks to the... aborted attempts at college while I was in that funk, I've left my family with nearly $8000 in student debt. Even if I manage to graduate, that's not going away. I honestly feel like the most enormous burden to them, and it feels as if my progress towards a degree has no end in sight.
On top of everything, since I've turned 26, I've now been dropped from my parents' insurance.
I coped with the growing dread by just taking things day by day, focusing absolutely on the present only and not even thinking about the future. But on Oct. 20th I was in a very violent car accident on the Interstate on my way to class. The sun was directly in my eyes, and thanks to being fooled by the traffic flow, I ran into the back of three other vehicles that'd stopped and gotten backed up on an off-ramp.
My truck was totaled. I got slammed into the dashboard so hard it bent the steering wheel in half. That old piece of shit truck my uncle foisted on me had no airbags and without my seatbelt I would've been launched out the windshield. It's a miracle nobody was hurt seriously.
Yes, I'm okay. I was very sore for awhile, but I'm doing better now.
But I'm likely to be found at fault for it even though I didn't do anything wrong, and my truck didn't have collision insurance on it. So that is even more money I'm draining from my family. I feel really awful about it, and I have no idea what to do.
The election was a shit show. I won't discuss it any further than that, except to say it made my emotions tank even harder.
At this point I'm feeling rather down and frustrated, and it's not a very happy birthday at all. My folks were gone all day, and my brother turned dinner into a shouting argument. There wasn't even any cake...
I'm struggling with hopelessness, having to push myself through the motions and being fussed at by my grandmother because she hates letting me borrow her car. If I went and looked for a job so I could have money to spend, I'd have to put my time into that instead of school, and I'd never have any hope of graduating or getting a decent career in anything but retail. And staying in school, well... It just seems as if the payoff for it is impossibly far away.
What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to deal with this? I just want to scream...
As for your emotions I just say try to remember that you are alive, you can do things to make your life better, to not give up and keep going on in life. If you stop it won't just hurt you but other people as well. You are connected to them and they to you. Your actions affect them as much as their affect you. Don't bottle your emotions, in fact if you can just sit down with your folks and have a heart to heart, don't hold back anything you feel you don't need to and express yourself sincerely and strongly so they understand just how you feel. Apart from that there's not much else I can say. Not very helpful probably but I'd rather try to be helpful than do nothing. Happy Birthday by the by you've been alive for one more year and that is worth celebrating even if it's a small celebration.
Sorry to hear about all that bad stuff! Here is some advice on what to do about all of the things that are making you depressed.. I think you already said exactly what you need to be doing in your post. Focusing on the present is key. Only the things you do in the present moment will help you make the future what you want it to be. I know that it is hard to think of things that you are thankful for in times of depression, but it is an important practice to remind yourself that there are accomplishments and times in your life where you deserve to pat yourself on the back. Don't forget to do that. Also, remember that nothing is permanent. That means the bad things aren't going to last, even though it seems like they will never go away. They will change in time. Remember to appreciate the good parts of your life! Letting yourself realize and focus on the positive aspects of your life will help you to fight depression when negative things arise. Just keep yourself grounded in the present, and let your future work for you! You got this!
Plus, to cope with my anxiety I only took two classes at a time. The worst is when you get talked down on by the folks who take like 3-5 classes at once + a job and treat you like some broken piece of shit when you explain you take 2 classes and no job. Having anxiety, there's nothing I hate more than being accused of being lazy and get told bullshit like 'everyone gets anxious'.
There is no cure for depression sadly. The best thing for me was focusing on being productive and aiming for good grades. Seeing a psychiatrist and getting on antidepressants also helped.
I started out slowly. Two classes in the spring. It looks as if I'll make it to three this semester. I'm not sure whether I'll stay with that or try to go up to four in January. I haven't applied for any classes yet, I guess it's coming up fast.
For now I'm just looking forward to Thanksgiving Break. I'll draw lots more, I'm starting to get back into the habit.
(and yeah, I know how it is. My depression lasted for YEARS, only to clear up gradually on its own. I think it's because my hormones finally settled down once I got out of the last late teenage years of puberty. Or something.)
College isn't for everybody. I'm sure that you'll do amazingly in an apprenticeship. Hey, maybe we can make it a thing - two big blue dragon grrls working towards their goals together. <3