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Need Some Serious Help
9 years ago
General
So as anyone who has dealt with me a lot can testify, I've never been an especially happy person. It doesn't help that I seem to unintentionally surround myself often with pushy, hateful people.
I've been able to bottle everything up and mostly suppress it for a while now, faking a smile when possible and just getting a little "emo" for lack of a better term when not possible. But it's recently become a lot harder for me.
It really shattered me when I discovered that, despite several years of trying and giving, compromising and surrendering, I could simply be tossed aside like garbage and blamed for everything in a situation where it honestly felt like I was shouldering a majority of the weight. To be replaced the very next day by a "superior" person and then to be labeled as a bad person simply because I could no longer give money to a source that I had been giving and sacrificing so much to for so long... I haven't been able to recover at all. I can fake a smile and find some spark of happiness when I have someone in close physical proximity, but it soon fades and leaves me as bad, if not worse than I previously have been. I'm sure that it makes certain people extremely happy to see me suffering for whatever crimes they believe I have committed.
I know I'm not the best person. I've been attacked, often rather savagely, by the "sweetest and most caring!" people simply for failing to bend the knee or relinquish my freedoms and rights. I know there are some who attack and penalize others for being my friends simply because I did not allow them to be verbally abusive towards me without standing up for myself. And no, I'm not perfect, I know I can be an asshole and quite aggressive myself when I feel like someone I care about or I myself am being pushed around or wronged. In addition to all of this, I also find myself in negligent friendships where I'm "so special and mean so much!" but video games and role playing take far greater priority than I ever could.
I will admit, I have been dwelling in a dark place for a while, thinking thoughts that would probably get me in some trouble and disappoint and upset those that actually do care. It's getting harder, especially around the holidays, between the stress and torture of work, unreasonable customers and co-workers, immature selfish family members, and the undeniable fact that if you do not play the Blame Game, you become the primary target of it.
I have bit my lip and bottles this up for the longest time because I know there are people who would be happy to see me like this. And if you really do take joy in the misery and pain of others, I sincerely hope you receive what you justly deserve as life progresses forward for you. But for now, I will say, I do need help. I do not like feeling this way, I do not like seeing how feeling this way affects those that actually do care for me. Someone recently told me "You can't get over this, you need to go to a doctor and get pills!" But it is a terrifying thought to imagine bearing the labels that accommodate this, as well as having the admit it to people that I have to look at without the filter of an internet screen. I don't even know where to begin, the steps I need to take, or if it would even bear fruit in the end, I just simply do not know. But the way things are currently cannot continue; something needs to change or break.
I've been able to bottle everything up and mostly suppress it for a while now, faking a smile when possible and just getting a little "emo" for lack of a better term when not possible. But it's recently become a lot harder for me.
It really shattered me when I discovered that, despite several years of trying and giving, compromising and surrendering, I could simply be tossed aside like garbage and blamed for everything in a situation where it honestly felt like I was shouldering a majority of the weight. To be replaced the very next day by a "superior" person and then to be labeled as a bad person simply because I could no longer give money to a source that I had been giving and sacrificing so much to for so long... I haven't been able to recover at all. I can fake a smile and find some spark of happiness when I have someone in close physical proximity, but it soon fades and leaves me as bad, if not worse than I previously have been. I'm sure that it makes certain people extremely happy to see me suffering for whatever crimes they believe I have committed.
I know I'm not the best person. I've been attacked, often rather savagely, by the "sweetest and most caring!" people simply for failing to bend the knee or relinquish my freedoms and rights. I know there are some who attack and penalize others for being my friends simply because I did not allow them to be verbally abusive towards me without standing up for myself. And no, I'm not perfect, I know I can be an asshole and quite aggressive myself when I feel like someone I care about or I myself am being pushed around or wronged. In addition to all of this, I also find myself in negligent friendships where I'm "so special and mean so much!" but video games and role playing take far greater priority than I ever could.
I will admit, I have been dwelling in a dark place for a while, thinking thoughts that would probably get me in some trouble and disappoint and upset those that actually do care. It's getting harder, especially around the holidays, between the stress and torture of work, unreasonable customers and co-workers, immature selfish family members, and the undeniable fact that if you do not play the Blame Game, you become the primary target of it.
I have bit my lip and bottles this up for the longest time because I know there are people who would be happy to see me like this. And if you really do take joy in the misery and pain of others, I sincerely hope you receive what you justly deserve as life progresses forward for you. But for now, I will say, I do need help. I do not like feeling this way, I do not like seeing how feeling this way affects those that actually do care for me. Someone recently told me "You can't get over this, you need to go to a doctor and get pills!" But it is a terrifying thought to imagine bearing the labels that accommodate this, as well as having the admit it to people that I have to look at without the filter of an internet screen. I don't even know where to begin, the steps I need to take, or if it would even bear fruit in the end, I just simply do not know. But the way things are currently cannot continue; something needs to change or break.
It starts with a doctor trip though, to determine if you even NEED meds. They can check for chemical imbalances that can be helped with medication and even recommend someone to talk to if you think you need it. I also know of some online sources if you would rather talk to someone from behind the screen of a computer where you can feel more secure (I collect addresses for some of my more..... unstable friends) if you would like.
Whoever told you off (and im sure i can guess who that might have been) can go fuck themselves. Your payment would have fucking bounced due to lack of funds. Even I understood why you withdrew from my Patreon. You work at mcdicks for christ sake. youre not rich.
All I can say is get help where you can, fuck those who stand against you, and keep on keeping on.
*Hugs tightly.* Don't worry yourself too much. There are a lot of people in this world that are hateful and spiteful, but I do hope you don't let them make you feel like you aren't a good person. Because you are. You've always been good to me. And I do my best to show that I care about you. So please, know that you are loved. Those deceitful individuals you speak of probably don't have enough positive emotion within themselves, or maybe they are simply unloved and choose to attack those that are loved out of spite. Whatever the cause, don't let them bring you down, because they're inferior. And deep down, they know it.
Maybe I'm just not that high up on your mind's social hierarchy of friends, which appears to be the case, but it's not like I have never made any attempts to at the extreme least be a distraction. There isn't much else I have really had the opportunity to do, otherwise. You just seem to keep pushing me away, and I have to keep the distance out of respect for you. I don't want you to have to feel like this because you don't deserve it.
But you do need to get some help. I know you're worried about medication and the stigma that comes with it, but you need to do what makes you better. Go to a doctor if you can, tell them what's going on. If they tell you to take something, or see someone, try it out. Nobody has to know except you; anybody who might judge you for it can be left in the dark. Hell, I have a friend who lives with his parents and is taking anti-depressants and I don't even think his mom knows. It's helping him too.
You don't deserve to feel like this, but trust me, it's not always just something you can work through yourself, and all the love and support in the world might not be enough. I've seen people this far down before, and the only way they were able to get better was to actively seek out professional help, be it in the form of therapy, anti-depressents, or something along those lines. But they did get better, even if it was just a little bit at a time.