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>>well, well, well...
9 years ago
It's all about fighting wars you'll never win...
I actually intended to go an entire three years before I returned to this barren wasteland that is FA, but I think two and a half is close enough.
My life has been an absolute roller-coaster of the highs and lows you would expect from me. I have done an incredible amount of growing up, finding out where I belong in the world, and how to keep my head above water when the tides seem to much to fight.
Let's start from where we left off.
---
NOTE: This is an incredibly long journal entry. I am recapping years of heavy stuff that I've been meaning to get off my chest. You're free to skim it at your leisure.
---
I ended my long distance relationship near the end of 2014. It had been tough to keep going, and after getting some incriminating messages from previous relations my ex had taken part in, I chose to terminate it. That was rough, but I had my work and my music to keep me going.
First half of 2015 was about the same -- I was working hard with my new music project with some old friends, working the same job, and overall, just living out my life for each day I had. I had moved in with my old friend from my first band and his buddy in late 2014 and we had the most kickass trailer you have ever seen. Still miss living there -- we only got to stay there until May of 2015. Issues with our landlord forced us out.
June of 2015 rolled around, and it proved to be considerably the hardest month of my life.
I took a road trip alone to Seattle. One of my all time favorite bands, Acceptance, had gotten back together to play some shows and I wasn't going to miss it. Twelve hour drive there was worth it -- it was hands down one of the best nights in my recent years. I began the trip home literally shaking with adrenaline and hope for my future. Nothing could break me.
Unfortunately, as most things tend to go, the high I had experienced from a night of pure elation was shattered.
I had left at about 2AM. I got into Montana at about 9AM, with what had to have been at least thirty missed phone calls and a nearly identical number of text messages. Given my friends and their history of fucking with me, I figured they were just trying to entertain themselves.
The first thing I saw was a Facebook message from my long-time friend Corey, who was working up in Canada at the time. He asked me if I was okay, and that he had seen that my roommate had posted something regarding a car accident. I relayed that I was in fact fine, and called my roommate.
That one minute phone call destroyed my life.
Upon answering, he apologized for calling me so many times while I was driving. I disregarded it and just wanted to know what had happened. He paused for a substantial length of time.
"Jenn died last night."
Jenn, for those of you who don't know, was one of my best friends. She had dated my roommate for years, and they had just recently broken up. They were repairing their relationship and were starting to get back on good terms.
I was in shock. I didn't say anything, and neither did he.
It took me a few seconds before I could just mutter a broken "...what?"
He repeated himself, and I chocked back tears. He seemed so indifferent, but I knew he had to be hurting.
I could only say thank you for informing me, and that I'd see him in a few hours.
I sat in my Jeep and cried. Cried harder than I'd ever done in my entire life. A sweet old woman came to my window and asked if there was anything I could do. I informed her of what happened, and she shared a moment of silence with me as I continued to just sob all over my steering wheel. The entire point of my stop was to get gas and something to eat, and I couldn't even think of that. My best friend had died in a car accident.
She had been driving drunk -- and if there is anything I say that you take to heart, let it be that there is NO excuse for driving while intoxicated. You are a danger to yourself and everyone else around you. I wish I could have been home to give her a ride home, but that's life. I couldn't have done anything to stop it.
After about half an hour, I managed to get gas and a drink and headed home. I promised myself to drive composed as to keep myself alive. I didn't want to put my friends and family through another tragedy.
Our house was somber. Nobody spoke, except for myself and my roommate's mother. We laughed and cried -- we all had been so close those years ago, and we had so many memories to relive.
Her memorial service was beautiful. My roommate and I played some songs in her memory, and to this day, that was the best performance I have ever done.
Just a few weeks later, I met a guy who has changed my entire outlook on what it is to be in a relationship. He and I had our first date, and for the first time, I felt no reservations when I was with him. One date turned into a few, and a few turned into spending almost all of our time together. I ended up moving in with him a few months later.
We are now happily married. I am a husband to the greatest man I have ever met.
He saved my life, and I mean that on many levels. I had the intention of killing myself early this year. My job had become too stressful for me and my health, and my medications were not working. I was in constant pain, and the depression from losing Jenn was still destroying me. He saw the signs and got me the help I needed. Spending a weekend committed in a mental health institution was a horrifying experience, but it kept me from doing things to myself that would have hurt a lot more people than just myself.
In the span of the past twelve months, I started a new job that I grew to love, and became heavily involved in the political process. I am gearing up for a 2018 run for State Legislature in the Montana House of Representatives, and I am excited to serve the people of not only my community, but the state as a whole.
My old band from Florida broke up in late 2014. It was a shame, as they had so much potential to go far, even without me. As hard as that has been, I am glad to have had that experience.
Some members of the first band I was in, as well as some newcomers, are working with me on a new project. We are looking to revitalize the music scene we helped develop years ago, and I think we've got a good thing going. I have become much more skilled with my voice, and my career as a vocalist is one that I don't intend to give up on any time soon.
I have two incredibly wonderful dogs and a beautiful cat. My family is perfect and I couldn't think of anything to ruin my life for me.
--
The past three years have been tough. I've had the best days of my life, and I've had days where I had every intention of taking my own life. If there is anyone you can take stock of and realize that no matter how bad things get, it'll get better... it's me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Even if you don't know me, at least you can see into my life a bit and see why I take each day head on with optimism.
I knew that together,
We'd weather the storm.
Like broken glass,
Or a fractured streetlight,
We find ourselves,
In a perpetual state of repair.
-"...It Will Always Feel Familiar", If All Ends Well
(https://ifallendswellmt.bandcamp.co.....-feel-familiar)
My life has been an absolute roller-coaster of the highs and lows you would expect from me. I have done an incredible amount of growing up, finding out where I belong in the world, and how to keep my head above water when the tides seem to much to fight.
Let's start from where we left off.
---
NOTE: This is an incredibly long journal entry. I am recapping years of heavy stuff that I've been meaning to get off my chest. You're free to skim it at your leisure.
---
I ended my long distance relationship near the end of 2014. It had been tough to keep going, and after getting some incriminating messages from previous relations my ex had taken part in, I chose to terminate it. That was rough, but I had my work and my music to keep me going.
First half of 2015 was about the same -- I was working hard with my new music project with some old friends, working the same job, and overall, just living out my life for each day I had. I had moved in with my old friend from my first band and his buddy in late 2014 and we had the most kickass trailer you have ever seen. Still miss living there -- we only got to stay there until May of 2015. Issues with our landlord forced us out.
June of 2015 rolled around, and it proved to be considerably the hardest month of my life.
I took a road trip alone to Seattle. One of my all time favorite bands, Acceptance, had gotten back together to play some shows and I wasn't going to miss it. Twelve hour drive there was worth it -- it was hands down one of the best nights in my recent years. I began the trip home literally shaking with adrenaline and hope for my future. Nothing could break me.
Unfortunately, as most things tend to go, the high I had experienced from a night of pure elation was shattered.
I had left at about 2AM. I got into Montana at about 9AM, with what had to have been at least thirty missed phone calls and a nearly identical number of text messages. Given my friends and their history of fucking with me, I figured they were just trying to entertain themselves.
The first thing I saw was a Facebook message from my long-time friend Corey, who was working up in Canada at the time. He asked me if I was okay, and that he had seen that my roommate had posted something regarding a car accident. I relayed that I was in fact fine, and called my roommate.
That one minute phone call destroyed my life.
Upon answering, he apologized for calling me so many times while I was driving. I disregarded it and just wanted to know what had happened. He paused for a substantial length of time.
"Jenn died last night."
Jenn, for those of you who don't know, was one of my best friends. She had dated my roommate for years, and they had just recently broken up. They were repairing their relationship and were starting to get back on good terms.
I was in shock. I didn't say anything, and neither did he.
It took me a few seconds before I could just mutter a broken "...what?"
He repeated himself, and I chocked back tears. He seemed so indifferent, but I knew he had to be hurting.
I could only say thank you for informing me, and that I'd see him in a few hours.
I sat in my Jeep and cried. Cried harder than I'd ever done in my entire life. A sweet old woman came to my window and asked if there was anything I could do. I informed her of what happened, and she shared a moment of silence with me as I continued to just sob all over my steering wheel. The entire point of my stop was to get gas and something to eat, and I couldn't even think of that. My best friend had died in a car accident.
She had been driving drunk -- and if there is anything I say that you take to heart, let it be that there is NO excuse for driving while intoxicated. You are a danger to yourself and everyone else around you. I wish I could have been home to give her a ride home, but that's life. I couldn't have done anything to stop it.
After about half an hour, I managed to get gas and a drink and headed home. I promised myself to drive composed as to keep myself alive. I didn't want to put my friends and family through another tragedy.
Our house was somber. Nobody spoke, except for myself and my roommate's mother. We laughed and cried -- we all had been so close those years ago, and we had so many memories to relive.
Her memorial service was beautiful. My roommate and I played some songs in her memory, and to this day, that was the best performance I have ever done.
Just a few weeks later, I met a guy who has changed my entire outlook on what it is to be in a relationship. He and I had our first date, and for the first time, I felt no reservations when I was with him. One date turned into a few, and a few turned into spending almost all of our time together. I ended up moving in with him a few months later.
We are now happily married. I am a husband to the greatest man I have ever met.
He saved my life, and I mean that on many levels. I had the intention of killing myself early this year. My job had become too stressful for me and my health, and my medications were not working. I was in constant pain, and the depression from losing Jenn was still destroying me. He saw the signs and got me the help I needed. Spending a weekend committed in a mental health institution was a horrifying experience, but it kept me from doing things to myself that would have hurt a lot more people than just myself.
In the span of the past twelve months, I started a new job that I grew to love, and became heavily involved in the political process. I am gearing up for a 2018 run for State Legislature in the Montana House of Representatives, and I am excited to serve the people of not only my community, but the state as a whole.
My old band from Florida broke up in late 2014. It was a shame, as they had so much potential to go far, even without me. As hard as that has been, I am glad to have had that experience.
Some members of the first band I was in, as well as some newcomers, are working with me on a new project. We are looking to revitalize the music scene we helped develop years ago, and I think we've got a good thing going. I have become much more skilled with my voice, and my career as a vocalist is one that I don't intend to give up on any time soon.
I have two incredibly wonderful dogs and a beautiful cat. My family is perfect and I couldn't think of anything to ruin my life for me.
--
The past three years have been tough. I've had the best days of my life, and I've had days where I had every intention of taking my own life. If there is anyone you can take stock of and realize that no matter how bad things get, it'll get better... it's me.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Even if you don't know me, at least you can see into my life a bit and see why I take each day head on with optimism.
I knew that together,
We'd weather the storm.
Like broken glass,
Or a fractured streetlight,
We find ourselves,
In a perpetual state of repair.
-"...It Will Always Feel Familiar", If All Ends Well
(https://ifallendswellmt.bandcamp.co.....-feel-familiar)
TaiTheFox
~taithefox
Well fug me, I'm very glad that you're doing well, buddy, and I'm glad that things are working out for you. I'm also glad to hear you're still working on music, I still listen to your stuff with your old band. Life has a weird way of screwing you while you're at your peak, I know all too well. I still hope that you're doing well and are happy, and if you ever need anything, please let me know, I'm still on here, much much less on Facebook though. Still, very glad to see you're doing okay. <3
TheKaskae
~thekaskae
OP
Thanks man. It has been such a long time! How have you been? I'm still here in Great Falls, so if you're in MT still we need to kick it one of these days! It's so weird to be back on here. It's almost like I never left.
TaiTheFox
~taithefox
Oh yeah it's been quite a while, and yeah I'm still in Great Falls. We'll definitely have to catch up one of these days. Things have been pretty hectic over the past few weeks, just kind of getting out of a funk, you know? Still though, it's good to hear from you man.
Silberry
~silberry
I found myself reading the entire thing and I just want to say that I'm very proud of you. You've managed to gather the strength to pull through even the toughest of times and survived to tell the tale. You are one tough cookie. I'm happy that you're happy, and I hope things will continue to get better for you. I'm sure there are still many people who care a great deal for you in this "barren wasteland". Take care of yourself, bud. :)
TheKaskae
~thekaskae
OP
This means more than you know. You were the first artist I really worked with on this site six years ago. It's nice to see you still around and pumping out some awesome stuff! I hope things continue to go well for you :) You're the best. Take care of yourself as well!
Silberry
~silberry
Aww, that's sweet of you to say! You were one of the very first clients I ever worked with on this site all those years ago, too. The fact that clients like you were as kind as you were helped encourage me to continue working with and expanding my client base. When I first started out here, I wasn't sure if commissions were something I'd even be successful at, but people like you helped me out at the very beginning. I'll never forget. :)
