Have you ever felt the need to lay down and accept defeat, told your lesser then what you think, your not what the world wants? That can describe my life to easily, to instinct it cuts me like a sharp knife through butter, a duller knife through my heart and soul. A longer for more then me, a redemption and change more to fix the broken parts of my shattered life...

Today it hit me in a tidal wave of alcohol and self abusing drugs that I wasn't what I hoped to be. In a instinct I try to change me..the shell of me...but not the core..the real reason I'm depressed...the real reason of anger and hate towards the world..is the fact of the true insanity ..the fear and insanity levels of my abundant lonely self..all my life left behind and alone sincerely to myself and the world.

My sad story started before I was even born, the mistake and plan I was. Being the only child of a terrible pair of dare I say man adults. The mistake smeared on the black chalk board of life as a half erased answer. Abused and beaten, told I was nothing more. The first love that grows the plant of humanity and life in everyone's time was missing in my life. My heart and love for the world, the yearning for love was shattered through missing teeth, police raids, and bruised everywhere. All was planted was a seed barely growing through tears of sadness and total loss of hope.

It was grade school the isolation kicked in, so deep and true that surgeons cant cut away. Called names and beaten, a battlefield where I stood out numbered by the others..not a back up..not a support..my hatred began....when people cheered for the victory of the monsters that wrecked the sanity and hope of me. So desperate I cried everyday, I fought toughly back and tried to kill all those stood in my way. To show I could be more then "a pathogen, a freak, a mistake" fighting to stand my ground while people bury under my ground. I fought through middle school, high school, and now till my true self alone fights against the world....me against all..my hatred grew from the tears and prayers oh my younger self..the spilled blood from the attempts to cut my wrists and strangle myself as the world cheers on your demise.

This is why I am the way I am, the way I grew. I want to cut down that tree that was planted and misshaped through these dreadful and hellish years. Can everyone forgive me for my sins...my actions of hate and death...of anger and true pity ..no mercy...as those years piled on me..it crafted me to be a hideous monster the exact thing I was feared and coward away from. Why people leave me, I see why now. I see the change and why I truly am alone...the way I was raised..the surrondings of a terrible world....now I see the blue sky over the prison wall.

Please....help me. My friends and loved ones in this holiday season. Help me pull these roots and this tree of hate and disgust..and replace in the new,clean, and heavenly paradise. The true new man I dream and white to be..the white knight of love and justice and hope. I need your help now more then ever, and I want you to stand with me. I need and love you all, please help me change for the better of the world and the human race.

Thank you and god bless you all, I will not fail.