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Musings on the past year
9 years ago
So, um. The last few days have been incredibly stressful for me and my family. I'm sorry to the people who I haven't been able to answer on Skype and the like. Been really busy.
On Saturday, my father went to the hospital. He had a pain in his side and called his doctor, who recommended he go. They did some testing and it turns out that he had had a mild heart attack(How the fuck none of us, not even him, knew is beyond me), and if something wasn't done soon, he'd have a massive heart attack. He just had a triple bypass surgery today. He's fine, thank god. It'll be a long road to recovery, but he's alive, and the doctors say he'll be fine.
I had already wanted to make a journal like this today, because this day, December 7, already held some heavy connotations for me.
A year ago, on December 1, I went into in-patient care at a psychiatric hospital. To put it simply, I was on Suicide Watch. That was one of the most hellish weeks of my life, though I am thankful that they got me set up on my medicine, and some therapy. December 7 is the day I got out.
I've been dealing with the exact thoughts that put me there in the first place on and off throughout this year(Being abandoned by people I trusted only two weeks after I got out didn't exactly help, nor the fact that several "friends" just didn't give a shit). There's been multiple times where I was on the verge of doing something I'd never be able to take back. This general year has been pretty terrible overall. I broke up with my boyfriend, ended up having to quit my job because of bad management, and have just lost all direction in my life. And now, of course, I nearly lost my dad. I'm honestly surprised that I'm still here.
And yet, here I am, still. An exacy year later and I'm still alive. I still have my dad, too, and I'm glad. I think I actually feel happy to be alive for the first time in a long while. I'm glad that I still have my dad. I'm glad that I lived to see my birthday. I'm glad that I actually managed to make a few friends that I can actually trust.
I don't think I want to die anymore. I don't want to miss everything and hurt everyone I care about. I don't want them to go through what I have this past week.
My depression is far from cured, but for first time this year, I think I can definitively say that I've made some progress. I'm okay, and even happy, with being alive right now, and I don't ever want to lose that.
Not really sure how to end this, but I just wanted to say thank you all for sticking with me and still watching even though I barely ever do anything on here. I know I make this vow every year, but I promise to actually write stuff properly next year. Maybe not a lot, but at least something. Enough for me to be satisfied with.
And that's all I can really think of to say.
On Saturday, my father went to the hospital. He had a pain in his side and called his doctor, who recommended he go. They did some testing and it turns out that he had had a mild heart attack(How the fuck none of us, not even him, knew is beyond me), and if something wasn't done soon, he'd have a massive heart attack. He just had a triple bypass surgery today. He's fine, thank god. It'll be a long road to recovery, but he's alive, and the doctors say he'll be fine.
I had already wanted to make a journal like this today, because this day, December 7, already held some heavy connotations for me.
A year ago, on December 1, I went into in-patient care at a psychiatric hospital. To put it simply, I was on Suicide Watch. That was one of the most hellish weeks of my life, though I am thankful that they got me set up on my medicine, and some therapy. December 7 is the day I got out.
I've been dealing with the exact thoughts that put me there in the first place on and off throughout this year(Being abandoned by people I trusted only two weeks after I got out didn't exactly help, nor the fact that several "friends" just didn't give a shit). There's been multiple times where I was on the verge of doing something I'd never be able to take back. This general year has been pretty terrible overall. I broke up with my boyfriend, ended up having to quit my job because of bad management, and have just lost all direction in my life. And now, of course, I nearly lost my dad. I'm honestly surprised that I'm still here.
And yet, here I am, still. An exacy year later and I'm still alive. I still have my dad, too, and I'm glad. I think I actually feel happy to be alive for the first time in a long while. I'm glad that I still have my dad. I'm glad that I lived to see my birthday. I'm glad that I actually managed to make a few friends that I can actually trust.
I don't think I want to die anymore. I don't want to miss everything and hurt everyone I care about. I don't want them to go through what I have this past week.
My depression is far from cured, but for first time this year, I think I can definitively say that I've made some progress. I'm okay, and even happy, with being alive right now, and I don't ever want to lose that.
Not really sure how to end this, but I just wanted to say thank you all for sticking with me and still watching even though I barely ever do anything on here. I know I make this vow every year, but I promise to actually write stuff properly next year. Maybe not a lot, but at least something. Enough for me to be satisfied with.
And that's all I can really think of to say.
I hope your father'll be okay, Fly.
Good to hear about your dad too. It's a scary as hell prospect and I'm relieved that he's doing alright.