FA+
Shop
Fuck this year, fuck my life and.. just... Fuck.
9 years ago
Husky Hi! Ok, title alone should tell you that this isn't a happy journal. I need somewhere to vent some stuff out as I'm A: No good with words and venting in person, and B: Not able to throw this up on Facebook with family members etc without problems.
I think that's it's universally agreed that this year has been a monumental fuck up of a year. I challenge you to find one person who will say that overall, this year has been a good one. It hasn't. It's been a total clusterfuck of bad decisions, race, terror and sexuality issues, and death. A whole lotta death.
The more personal bit to me is nothing to do with the above. A select few may know that my relationship of nearly 5 years has come to a close. I tried to save things, but they were too far gone to save it seemed and it was lights out.
To put it bluntly, I'm pretty fucking broken right now. On the surface I'm managing to hide it well I think, but inside is just a whole lot of "well fuck."
The reason things came to a close is still not 100% clear in my head, but to summarise, I was no longer making it clear enough just quite how much I loved her. I did the same to her as I have done to everything I have in my life and I took her for granted, neglected her and ultimately lost her through my own incompetence and selfishness.
I shouldn't do but I need reminders and wake up calls to snap me back to realitya, and from what I understand, she was (quite rightly) tired of doing that.
I don't blame her either. I can be an enormously shitty person to people over time, and she put up with me for far longer than I could have ever deserved.
I'm in a pretty dark place right now as a result. It's a real fuckin strong case of "you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
I now know what I had was just about the best thing I have ever had in my life, and through who I am as a person, I fucking threw it away.
I still love her. Words I say or words I write won't ever be enough to express that properly. But I've had my chances and I've blown them. My spare fuse box is empty and there's no more left I can put back in the holder to fix things again.
The only very small silver lining on this fucking huge black cloud, is that we parted on extremely good terms. We are still aiming to remain very good friends, but we are no longer in a relationship.
I've lost track of how many days or weeks it has been since this lot all started to break down, and quite frankly I've stopped caring.
I don't know what to do with myself, I miss seeing her, I miss holding her, I miss a fuckin lot of things and I've just given up caring about anything else, but I need to come to terms with just quite how much I've managed to fuck my life up this time round.
She saved me from an extremely dark period in my life when we got together, and now that it's come to an end, I fear so so much that I'm going to slip back into the same place I was 5 years ago.
Sorry for being such a dick Rebekah, I hope you go far in your life and find happiness along the way. I'm sorry I wasn't the person I should have been and I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm also sorry to anyone reading this who's evening I've put a damper on of who simply had the misfortune of reading this journal. I just needed to let some shit out and this was literally the only place I could do it.
I think that's it's universally agreed that this year has been a monumental fuck up of a year. I challenge you to find one person who will say that overall, this year has been a good one. It hasn't. It's been a total clusterfuck of bad decisions, race, terror and sexuality issues, and death. A whole lotta death.
The more personal bit to me is nothing to do with the above. A select few may know that my relationship of nearly 5 years has come to a close. I tried to save things, but they were too far gone to save it seemed and it was lights out.
To put it bluntly, I'm pretty fucking broken right now. On the surface I'm managing to hide it well I think, but inside is just a whole lot of "well fuck."
The reason things came to a close is still not 100% clear in my head, but to summarise, I was no longer making it clear enough just quite how much I loved her. I did the same to her as I have done to everything I have in my life and I took her for granted, neglected her and ultimately lost her through my own incompetence and selfishness.
I shouldn't do but I need reminders and wake up calls to snap me back to realitya, and from what I understand, she was (quite rightly) tired of doing that.
I don't blame her either. I can be an enormously shitty person to people over time, and she put up with me for far longer than I could have ever deserved.
I'm in a pretty dark place right now as a result. It's a real fuckin strong case of "you don't know what you've got till it's gone."
I now know what I had was just about the best thing I have ever had in my life, and through who I am as a person, I fucking threw it away.
I still love her. Words I say or words I write won't ever be enough to express that properly. But I've had my chances and I've blown them. My spare fuse box is empty and there's no more left I can put back in the holder to fix things again.
The only very small silver lining on this fucking huge black cloud, is that we parted on extremely good terms. We are still aiming to remain very good friends, but we are no longer in a relationship.
I've lost track of how many days or weeks it has been since this lot all started to break down, and quite frankly I've stopped caring.
I don't know what to do with myself, I miss seeing her, I miss holding her, I miss a fuckin lot of things and I've just given up caring about anything else, but I need to come to terms with just quite how much I've managed to fuck my life up this time round.
She saved me from an extremely dark period in my life when we got together, and now that it's come to an end, I fear so so much that I'm going to slip back into the same place I was 5 years ago.
Sorry for being such a dick Rebekah, I hope you go far in your life and find happiness along the way. I'm sorry I wasn't the person I should have been and I'm sorry I let you down.
I'm also sorry to anyone reading this who's evening I've put a damper on of who simply had the misfortune of reading this journal. I just needed to let some shit out and this was literally the only place I could do it.
I hate that. You know you go so far together and you learn everything about one another, things get really close, you get super comfortable being around one another, everything is really nice, solid, dependable, effortless, and BAM! that's when suddenly things aren't fun and exciting any more and that guy Chris who does the coffee is pretty cute and invited me out, just as friends, you don't mind do you, honey? Woompf. Gone.
I've had so many people come and go in my life that during some years it feels like everybody around me is a new face.
It's hard to imagine feeling the same way toward someone new when everything reminds you of what you used to have. But maybe it's possible to grow more as a person by sharing your life through new relationships and meaningful friendships. You'll probably never make the same mistakes again, so you can only go up from here. It just takes time. :\