So it's a sad start to new year for me. I'm really struggling. I feel like once I finish all the drawings I owe or have said I would do, that's it no more drawing and likly no more living. It's been a slow battle and one that I've consistently been losing. On some level I feel it is enviable now. Eventually it seems that I will die and my older sibling will have been correct. I would end my own life- one hell of a family I've had to put up with... on a level I am still convinced I never could but then at the same time every day my inner monolouge yells at me to do something, grab a knife, over dose, drown... that voice gets louder and the idea of it becoming easier to face. In the end. I will likly continue as I always have and this is just another in a series of bad moments in my life. In which case I apologise for premitivly worrying you. But for me right now in this very moment, this feeling is real... I find that my continued existence is a painful, tidius, insignificant waste.... I'm sorry, I'll be okay. I'll let you know when I stop imploding.