FA+
Shop
A bit of catharthis
9 years ago
General
For the few who might actually read this, you might have noticed that Kinse disappeared on my a while ago.
(And if you didn't infer that from the last journal, then you know it now and one of life's greatest mysteries
has now been solved.) The good news is that she did come back several days ago. yay. I'm not actually
being sarcastic, I just can't muster any real enthusiasm about anything right now. Her absence was...painful.
I'd like to say it was one of the harder things I've gone through, but it really wasn't. I've seriously
contemplated killing myself so many times over the years that flirting with suicidal thoughts isn't really a blip
on the radar anymore. Just another day to get through. But like I said, the good news is that she is back now.
Or rather, she's trying to she's trying to help me see that there is good news.
Switching topics, I've made practically zero progress in writing over the last month. "Snow" was pretty much the
only real exception to that. And quite frankly, I don't have a clue how a managed to write it. I've had little
success in getting anything out. When I'm hour three or four of a story and have maybe written half a dozen
paragraphs, I pretty much give up. Or worse, I actually manage to make progress, then realize that things are
progressing very differently than what they're "supposed to". And then I have to decide if I'm going to change
the big story or the little scene.
I've pretty much gotten to the point where I expect to not get anywhere with whatever I'm writing. The negativity
is probably why I've started writing Avid again. As far as writing goes, he's something of an outlet for negative
emotion. My own little shadowy demon. (Which I guess makes Kinse my personal angel.) He wasn't the very
first character I came up with, but he is close. And he's the first one that felt "real" and has stood the test of
time. (For the record, he predates Kinse by about 6 to 18 months. I'm guessing.) I suppose he's not the best
of people, certainly no paragon of moral values, but I still like him after a fashion. I suppose it might be similar
to a parent's love for their child even though the child is less of a man and more of a monster. (Mmm, Bioshock
quote. +1 for random memory.)
Anyway, the wheels in my head are spinning in the mud again, which means that, for better or worse, and
whether I like it or not, it's time to stop writing. Or, put less diplomatically, 'shut the hell up'. Not going to read
back through any of this so if it makes sense, it makes sense; if it doesn't, well...oh well. For the record, help
a bit. It won't make any lasting changes but that's ok. I gave up hoping miracles long ago. These days I'd
settle for stop-gaps and band-aids on broken bones.
PS if this was disjointed and confusing, it's probably because I'm tired.
It's something like 3am and I have no sleep schedule anymore.
(And if you didn't infer that from the last journal, then you know it now and one of life's greatest mysteries
has now been solved.) The good news is that she did come back several days ago. yay. I'm not actually
being sarcastic, I just can't muster any real enthusiasm about anything right now. Her absence was...painful.
I'd like to say it was one of the harder things I've gone through, but it really wasn't. I've seriously
contemplated killing myself so many times over the years that flirting with suicidal thoughts isn't really a blip
on the radar anymore. Just another day to get through. But like I said, the good news is that she is back now.
Or rather, she's trying to she's trying to help me see that there is good news.
Switching topics, I've made practically zero progress in writing over the last month. "Snow" was pretty much the
only real exception to that. And quite frankly, I don't have a clue how a managed to write it. I've had little
success in getting anything out. When I'm hour three or four of a story and have maybe written half a dozen
paragraphs, I pretty much give up. Or worse, I actually manage to make progress, then realize that things are
progressing very differently than what they're "supposed to". And then I have to decide if I'm going to change
the big story or the little scene.
I've pretty much gotten to the point where I expect to not get anywhere with whatever I'm writing. The negativity
is probably why I've started writing Avid again. As far as writing goes, he's something of an outlet for negative
emotion. My own little shadowy demon. (Which I guess makes Kinse my personal angel.) He wasn't the very
first character I came up with, but he is close. And he's the first one that felt "real" and has stood the test of
time. (For the record, he predates Kinse by about 6 to 18 months. I'm guessing.) I suppose he's not the best
of people, certainly no paragon of moral values, but I still like him after a fashion. I suppose it might be similar
to a parent's love for their child even though the child is less of a man and more of a monster. (Mmm, Bioshock
quote. +1 for random memory.)
Anyway, the wheels in my head are spinning in the mud again, which means that, for better or worse, and
whether I like it or not, it's time to stop writing. Or, put less diplomatically, 'shut the hell up'. Not going to read
back through any of this so if it makes sense, it makes sense; if it doesn't, well...oh well. For the record, help
a bit. It won't make any lasting changes but that's ok. I gave up hoping miracles long ago. These days I'd
settle for stop-gaps and band-aids on broken bones.
PS if this was disjointed and confusing, it's probably because I'm tired.
It's something like 3am and I have no sleep schedule anymore.
V.
I know a bit more about Mark Twain. (Had a high school teacher who really liked him and showed us a 2-3 hour biographical video about him.) I remember seeing a lot of parallels in our lives: chronic depression, wandering all over the place, jumping from job to totally unrelated job, religious problems, etc.