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[Vent] What's on my mind lately
9 years ago
Alright...making journals isn't a really a thing i would do often unless it's to get something off my chest, or ask something in general.
Well, lemme say what on my mind then.
Situationally, I am around, i am healthy though that's just about it, as grateful I should be, though I guess plans are falling through now. Back in September i mentioned how i was having issues with college no classes and such and nearly got kicked out of home because of it. I do believe I am a child and that everything I do is my own fault So, i had a plan then, that was to open Commissions and take what i could while not overwhelming myself...and then well, i tried, but even then my habits are hard to kick as well as family being around so much or telling me things that only cause me more anxiety. So, that plan wasn't as successful as i wanted it to be, only making enough to pay for maybe 2 console games over the course of 2-3 months...
To those I do have commissions for, I will get them finished when I can, I'm sorry if it feels too long for something Life is hectic is all, and this isn't my main job, not yet anyways.
Back to college....well that. Here in the United State i only was supported through Financial Aid called FAFSA, since i am not a wealthy person. It was the main thing keeping me in college, and it's main area of keeping it was grades. they got too low because a lack of interest. I never liked General Education, i did enough of them in high school, once i found my passion (Animation), i wanted to get straight to it. You can tell me it's my fault for my habits and way of thinking. Because it is true and only I am to blame.. Paents were always against Bank Loans and since I'm a dependent person to them, they need to sign. They won't. Scholarships are hard to get for just wanting to get into animation without showing something for it, i doubt myself enough, and worse when it's you vs the internet...because as time and time again shows, There is always someone better. I learned i could reapply, but it was a liil late since i was told I couldn't reapply, but it was later clarified ONCE per Academic Year. that changed things, but even then, all a gamble.
At this point, 3 weeks in advance to do these things, and i feel it wouldn't get done in time, or worse the appeal is rejected. I will be stuck without classes again. Without classes, well that just means really there is a risk again of my parents doing the worst case scenario, aside from being enraged as that is inevitable. And that is kick me out from home. Or if i don't get kicked out, simply, get a job. they were always against the idea of getting a job while in college because if i did, i would be tossing my life away. Well....at that point, I did toss my life away to them, and will be living with that shame throughout my family. Ah well.
idk, there were things suggested to me, a TipJar, doing Pay What You Want streams, doing quick Sketch streams. those things. How i am with my own mental issues, asking for help i learned and got attached to not asking for it; Doing a TipJar I have no idea how that works or even if the IRS needs to know about it. I still can't adult. then doing things like Pay Streams that others do I don't feel I'm ready to do, or have the skills, speed or imagination for. When at worst i can take days for an idea to come out.
Well...that's all that's in my head now. Let's see where life takes me then because it's obvious it's my fault.
Well, lemme say what on my mind then.
Situationally, I am around, i am healthy though that's just about it, as grateful I should be, though I guess plans are falling through now. Back in September i mentioned how i was having issues with college no classes and such and nearly got kicked out of home because of it. I do believe I am a child and that everything I do is my own fault So, i had a plan then, that was to open Commissions and take what i could while not overwhelming myself...and then well, i tried, but even then my habits are hard to kick as well as family being around so much or telling me things that only cause me more anxiety. So, that plan wasn't as successful as i wanted it to be, only making enough to pay for maybe 2 console games over the course of 2-3 months...
To those I do have commissions for, I will get them finished when I can, I'm sorry if it feels too long for something Life is hectic is all, and this isn't my main job, not yet anyways.
Back to college....well that. Here in the United State i only was supported through Financial Aid called FAFSA, since i am not a wealthy person. It was the main thing keeping me in college, and it's main area of keeping it was grades. they got too low because a lack of interest. I never liked General Education, i did enough of them in high school, once i found my passion (Animation), i wanted to get straight to it. You can tell me it's my fault for my habits and way of thinking. Because it is true and only I am to blame.. Paents were always against Bank Loans and since I'm a dependent person to them, they need to sign. They won't. Scholarships are hard to get for just wanting to get into animation without showing something for it, i doubt myself enough, and worse when it's you vs the internet...because as time and time again shows, There is always someone better. I learned i could reapply, but it was a liil late since i was told I couldn't reapply, but it was later clarified ONCE per Academic Year. that changed things, but even then, all a gamble.
At this point, 3 weeks in advance to do these things, and i feel it wouldn't get done in time, or worse the appeal is rejected. I will be stuck without classes again. Without classes, well that just means really there is a risk again of my parents doing the worst case scenario, aside from being enraged as that is inevitable. And that is kick me out from home. Or if i don't get kicked out, simply, get a job. they were always against the idea of getting a job while in college because if i did, i would be tossing my life away. Well....at that point, I did toss my life away to them, and will be living with that shame throughout my family. Ah well.
idk, there were things suggested to me, a TipJar, doing Pay What You Want streams, doing quick Sketch streams. those things. How i am with my own mental issues, asking for help i learned and got attached to not asking for it; Doing a TipJar I have no idea how that works or even if the IRS needs to know about it. I still can't adult. then doing things like Pay Streams that others do I don't feel I'm ready to do, or have the skills, speed or imagination for. When at worst i can take days for an idea to come out.
Well...that's all that's in my head now. Let's see where life takes me then because it's obvious it's my fault.
You're seeing problems such as how to get money, and when you see solutions, you choose to back off and stay insecure. If you're insecure, get yourself informed, learn! It really is a hard way and you played a big role into making it hard but that's done, what you have now it's that difficult setting and now you have to decide how you're going to clear it.
Being an adult means to give away sensibility over many things to focus on your values within a healthy integrity. Some of your values are having a "secure" future and animating/artwork, which causes a lot conflict between them at the moment, you need to hone a way making sure it's healthy for you and others, either keeping most of one or giving up completely one to maybe in a future having both again. I understand your options might be shitty but then again you have the brain to know which is less shitty for you for the whole run. They're roads that have an end and in the future you have to choose yet again another road. Being optimistic comes from the word option, you'll have more options in the future, try to calm yourself.
I think that a lot of people studying, including myself when I was studying, believe that what they're studying for now it'll be its future and can't go other ways, but age isn't a curse or a limit to reach great levels. Maybe at the age of 50 you can get into sculptures and get god level with it, and it's ok if it was reached that far in your life. You shouldn't care about other's artwork level but yours, and doesn't matter if they're 12 year old or Asian, good for them, honestly! What matters is that it's good for you, if what you do feels fulfilling, that the value you believe in it's done the way you like it. Others may be there to remind us we can learn more but it shouldn't depress you, it shouldn't stop you.
As for how to make money...well, I live at home, i live with anxiety of my family seeing what i draw even if they know (as well as not agreeing with what I draw) and even then the idea back years ago was to only go to college/university, to not get a job until after i graduate and only a job in the field i wish. I've had thoughts before of just wanting to get a job last year, even spoke about it to my family, but they disagreed even. Part time is starting to look more open to them now, since our financial situation is changing, sadly. Father never liked me doing animation, he still openly shows he hates that idea and urges me to change course to something like Architecture and Engineering though i stopped caring for those courses, i just wanna make life and things happen, explore creativity. Still, i hold on.
well..i've done my time before looking at how secure animation really is, and truth is that one a project is done, you're laid off, search for another jobs when you can. it's not being hired immediately by Disney and such, unless skills beyond imaginable and such. Really, art and animation are my only interests. would i give them up if it means working 8 hours a day at a retail store. of course i would, but my own fears because i live under a roof not my own is what will my parents think. I have yet to let that go, because i feel once i do, life will get easier for myself.
i do agree as well one shouldn't compare to another, competition or just self-analysis. everyone is different, but one can't help but compare. my own fault there liking what one makes but when i can't make myself because of wasted time. I will have my time i believe in the light, my own time to be proud of my work, for now, I am content with what i make.