FA+
Shop
Where have all the good times gone?
8 years ago
Or were they all just bad times that seemed better?
Two years ago things seemed so different. I felt like that's when I would have wanted to go back, but shortly after I got to thinking about it.
Two years ago I was recovering from failing (like flat out failed every class) during the previous semester. I was also recovering from social probation within my fraternity, but that's something to do this I never have really "recovered from. I still feel like an outsider and that I'm not seen as an equal but as a liability. That spring semester would also turn out to be another failure, all of my classes, except physics I think. I also had a real jack off for a roommate who only compounded what was happening. Parties on Tuesdays in our apartment without telling me, and while I was not allowed to attend events, only getting me in further trouble with the punishment board. Two years ago would also begin one of the most difficult realities I had to face. Rejection from the only person I can say that I had ever loved. Yeah sure rejection is whatever and we all have to deal with it but it's really messed with me, even to this day it keeps me up at night. It motivates me to be a better person. It gets me in the gym, every morning to be physically stronger because the gym is the only place I can escape to. It's all I think about and I wish I could go back and do things differently, but then I wonder what would have changed if anything or would it have even been worthwhile? I won't elaborate any more on that in case someone actually cares enough to connect dots or actually read my senseless drivel.
But I did have a group of people to lean on then. And they were awesome. But as time marches on, a lot of them have left and things have changed since then. Even though I was in an awful spot then I had this group of people. Despite how shit everything was in reality for me, I had an escape but things have changed. So I wondered that even though they were there for me, would I have really wanted to go back to then? Some of the people are still there, some have come and some have gone but it just isn't the same. Things have changed and that's something I have a hard time accepting, I think a lot of people do. And that made me wonder if I was the straw that broke the camel's back, or the beginning of the end for this group. Was I the last of the "old guard" and everyone after me was what would cause it to change or was I that person? Was I even the cause for the change or was it just something that would have happened anyway? I know change is inevitable but would it have gone the same way provided I wasn't there to witness it? Am I the glue holding what's left together or was I the one that broke it in the first place?
The ride never ends is what we say, but has everyone gotten off the ride anyway or is the momentum starting to die? Maybe the ride does end for some people.
As my mind wandered I got to thinking about other periods and whether they were "good" or not. Three (four?) years ago would have been just as bad. Even if I wasn't failing classes and digging a hole that I couldn't escape from I was still extremely lonely. I had a roommate from the UK who was a year older than and even though now that might not have been a big deal, it was a big enough difference between us to not be the stereotypical freshman dorm roommate best friends that everyone expects to happen. He moved out of the dorms two months later and the following roommate I had was never around and already had a social group to be with, so we were never friends either. And at this point I didn't have the group of people I mentioned earlier.
Thinking even further back to high school and that period of my life, I realized that I was actually kind of happy, but in a very blissfully ignorant way. And that's something that now I realize was pretty fucking stupid to be happy with. Couldn't own guns, couldn't do what I wanted, didn't own my own truck, didn't have a job.
So I pose that first question again, were there ever any good times, or were they just times that seemed better than now? All I learned was that time marches on. And that shit changes, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or not. But that doesn't mean we can't desire to go back to when we thought our lives were happier but if we did, would it really be worth it?
Two years ago things seemed so different. I felt like that's when I would have wanted to go back, but shortly after I got to thinking about it.
Two years ago I was recovering from failing (like flat out failed every class) during the previous semester. I was also recovering from social probation within my fraternity, but that's something to do this I never have really "recovered from. I still feel like an outsider and that I'm not seen as an equal but as a liability. That spring semester would also turn out to be another failure, all of my classes, except physics I think. I also had a real jack off for a roommate who only compounded what was happening. Parties on Tuesdays in our apartment without telling me, and while I was not allowed to attend events, only getting me in further trouble with the punishment board. Two years ago would also begin one of the most difficult realities I had to face. Rejection from the only person I can say that I had ever loved. Yeah sure rejection is whatever and we all have to deal with it but it's really messed with me, even to this day it keeps me up at night. It motivates me to be a better person. It gets me in the gym, every morning to be physically stronger because the gym is the only place I can escape to. It's all I think about and I wish I could go back and do things differently, but then I wonder what would have changed if anything or would it have even been worthwhile? I won't elaborate any more on that in case someone actually cares enough to connect dots or actually read my senseless drivel.
But I did have a group of people to lean on then. And they were awesome. But as time marches on, a lot of them have left and things have changed since then. Even though I was in an awful spot then I had this group of people. Despite how shit everything was in reality for me, I had an escape but things have changed. So I wondered that even though they were there for me, would I have really wanted to go back to then? Some of the people are still there, some have come and some have gone but it just isn't the same. Things have changed and that's something I have a hard time accepting, I think a lot of people do. And that made me wonder if I was the straw that broke the camel's back, or the beginning of the end for this group. Was I the last of the "old guard" and everyone after me was what would cause it to change or was I that person? Was I even the cause for the change or was it just something that would have happened anyway? I know change is inevitable but would it have gone the same way provided I wasn't there to witness it? Am I the glue holding what's left together or was I the one that broke it in the first place?
The ride never ends is what we say, but has everyone gotten off the ride anyway or is the momentum starting to die? Maybe the ride does end for some people.
As my mind wandered I got to thinking about other periods and whether they were "good" or not. Three (four?) years ago would have been just as bad. Even if I wasn't failing classes and digging a hole that I couldn't escape from I was still extremely lonely. I had a roommate from the UK who was a year older than and even though now that might not have been a big deal, it was a big enough difference between us to not be the stereotypical freshman dorm roommate best friends that everyone expects to happen. He moved out of the dorms two months later and the following roommate I had was never around and already had a social group to be with, so we were never friends either. And at this point I didn't have the group of people I mentioned earlier.
Thinking even further back to high school and that period of my life, I realized that I was actually kind of happy, but in a very blissfully ignorant way. And that's something that now I realize was pretty fucking stupid to be happy with. Couldn't own guns, couldn't do what I wanted, didn't own my own truck, didn't have a job.
So I pose that first question again, were there ever any good times, or were they just times that seemed better than now? All I learned was that time marches on. And that shit changes, whether we want it to or not, whether we accept it or not. But that doesn't mean we can't desire to go back to when we thought our lives were happier but if we did, would it really be worth it?
This rambling probably means nothing. Just know that you're the good kind of friend. You deserve better than such facade friendships.
Maybe we'll figure this out.
We can't change the past, but we can look back at all the good times and cherish those memories. The future is what we make it, so don't be afraid to make an on the spot decision. That is how we learn, from trial and error, and unfortunately, mistakes, painful as they can be, help you in the long run.
I realize that I haven't been as good of a friend as I could have and I apologize for that, but know that you are not the reason people drift apart. People change with time, some drift away while others remain. I'm glad that you were able to gain something positive from the group of friends, because I know that you managed to help others in similar positions.
If you ever want to talk, even if its just to stave off boredom, don't be afraid to message me. I'll try to do a better job of staying in contact with people because they are important to me, and I really don't want to ruin a friendship because I was a lazy-ass
Thank you for being you, for without you and others help, I don't know how I would have turned out after these few years. I just hope I was able to help you as you have helped me
You've been there for me at my best and worst and I'll be there for you guys.
I can't say personally I've ever had a period of prolonged good times, but there's bad in the good and good in the bad. It's all a matter of making the best of it. Sometimes we can't change our circumstances, and sometimes there are setbacks, but it's all a matter of picking yourself back up and trying again. That's worked for me thus far.
I know I've really never talked to you outside MFF, but if you need to talk real talk, I'm around.
Take care, Sir Charles~