I feel you... My family sees mental illness as a bad thing, so I always just thought I was overreacting, but lol nope, depression is a thing

It really is. my family knows about my depression but they only understand it so much. like, if I'm happy or energetic for one day they'll think I'm not depressed anymore. they've even accused me of faking my illness once. it sucks.

I ask myself this all the time
Like, am I really that lazy that I would actively ruin my life, or am I actually ill
I think the answer is a bit of both really :P

In your case though it sounds a bit different since you felt more motivated in the past! Also I believe we can be very self-aware of our problems, yet not be able to do much about them, which probably just makes stuff worse haha...

yeah it's tough, I mean before I got my depression I was kinda lazy but I could still do well in things

but now it's confusing and frustrating, because I used to be on top of most everything. and my family still holds me to those standards which I can't meet anymore, atleast at the moment.

Gods yeah, the expectation from others is always the worst...

Did you mean: My existence

we got solidarity with our messed up brains