FA+
Shop
friends, in truth, I have almost none.
8 years ago
some say I am crazy, and I'd say that they're at least half right.
... online, just a very few, like 5 or maybe 9, if they'd count me as a friend too...
I have even less offline 1 maybe 2, unless I count family too, and then it is like 9 if that.
I fake having friends at the churches that I go to around here, though I can't call or meet up with any of them outside of church hours without getting the cold shoulder.
I am not saying this to beg or sound whiny about it, I am only admitting that I did a very poor job keeping the friends that I once had, and a very good job alienating others over the last number of years. (or maybe I am begging a bit, as in jail I couldn't get away from the other people in there and talking was one of the few things that we had to pass the time... and now I am missing that, oddly for as bad as it was being in there.)
I'd like to say that my former wife did a great job in isolating us though that just isn't totally true, as I let that happen, even when I finally noted it was happening...
my point is that I am truly feeling this isolation now, so if I have been a friend of yours or even just an online acquaintance please give me a hail in the comments or a note, or a shout, or an email, or anything really.
it is very unnerving being alone in a room, with so many people on the other side of a window simply passing by without saying much if anything to me, all be it that said window is an electronic one.
I dislike being rude, though I am truly tempted to beat on the screen, as of late to see if a few more could see me or hear me than the one or two that talk to me as is, or those that are in a stream and answer me in that it is polite to do so.
to those of you that do talk to me a bit as is, I am in no way saying that I don't appreciate each one of you that you do, as really I do, oh God I do.
or maybe I have forgotten how to make friends or grow closer to the ones that I have... I don't know anymore, am I unfriendable? unlikable? intolerable? do I say too many things that trouble people, and put them off to getting to know me any deeper, than thinking that I am just a creep online?
even if I am creepy, and/or just odd, I am also so lonely most days and I don't know how to fix any of that.
I have even less offline 1 maybe 2, unless I count family too, and then it is like 9 if that.
I fake having friends at the churches that I go to around here, though I can't call or meet up with any of them outside of church hours without getting the cold shoulder.
I am not saying this to beg or sound whiny about it, I am only admitting that I did a very poor job keeping the friends that I once had, and a very good job alienating others over the last number of years. (or maybe I am begging a bit, as in jail I couldn't get away from the other people in there and talking was one of the few things that we had to pass the time... and now I am missing that, oddly for as bad as it was being in there.)
I'd like to say that my former wife did a great job in isolating us though that just isn't totally true, as I let that happen, even when I finally noted it was happening...
my point is that I am truly feeling this isolation now, so if I have been a friend of yours or even just an online acquaintance please give me a hail in the comments or a note, or a shout, or an email, or anything really.
it is very unnerving being alone in a room, with so many people on the other side of a window simply passing by without saying much if anything to me, all be it that said window is an electronic one.
I dislike being rude, though I am truly tempted to beat on the screen, as of late to see if a few more could see me or hear me than the one or two that talk to me as is, or those that are in a stream and answer me in that it is polite to do so.
to those of you that do talk to me a bit as is, I am in no way saying that I don't appreciate each one of you that you do, as really I do, oh God I do.
or maybe I have forgotten how to make friends or grow closer to the ones that I have... I don't know anymore, am I unfriendable? unlikable? intolerable? do I say too many things that trouble people, and put them off to getting to know me any deeper, than thinking that I am just a creep online?
even if I am creepy, and/or just odd, I am also so lonely most days and I don't know how to fix any of that.
i dont know if you got my note.
That said, I also want to say something to you that may help if you take it and really put your mind to understanding it: Three things actually. 1: Self pitty is the most terrible human condition. It's not hatred, or anger, or fear, or selfishness alone. It's all of those and more. Self pity serves no purpose. May I advise you as a kind passerby to put it away. Don't post all this. That is one reason that you are lonely right now. You have created a self replicating cycle. You are lonely, so you self pity and that makes people not want to be around you so you are still lonely and on and on...In a way, I hear you. I'm 30 a 30 some year old with very few in my life right now as well, but, I make my story, NOT my perceived lack of whatever I might feel I'm lacking; firends, social contacts, etc.
2: You write your own story and make your own happiness. Go do something! Budget some money and go out! Alone! Just you! And just enjoy it. find things to do, try volunteering your time somewhere, try taking up a project and devoting some time to it. You do not have to live in the gloom. Others are not responsible for you, you are.
3: Responsibility to yourself. You are special. You are loved by what ever you believe is at the center of this universe and you belong here. The biggest reason you are alone it that you are waiting for others to notice. Be proactive, be responsible for your own life. Friends, real friend, are a reward for doing what you need to do for yourself. It might be a long road back, but you can make it. Be someone you feel has worth, then you will be someone worth knowing.
Cheers, better days mate.
I will try to incorporate more of these three points into trying to get through this time in my life, truly: thank you for stating this, and in this way.