I've been having a really hard time lately. I took a break to try and sort out some important roadblocks in my life, and it's going longer than I wanted.

I am not in a good place lately. I was working through trying to get ODSP and it fell through, it was a huge ball of stress and forms and appointments that had me really stretched thin emotionally. And recently that means any attempt to create is just met with chilling panic and very low energy levels.

My sleep schedule is ruined, I've been having a lot of migraines and stress headaches. Especially after nights where I do sleep and I clench my jaw into a day long spasm. I am just not okay. This last year especially has been really hard and it isn't getting easier. It unburied a lot of resentment I have been feeling over big aspects of my life that I no longer feel are my own, resentment I kept hidden because I thought I would work through it after I grieved. But the more I tried to ignore it the more bitter and angry I got.

I am at a point now where I hate drawing. I pick up the pen and get angry and frustrated until I cry. It isn't healthy, so I stopped. I need to get to the bottom of everything, I need to start building a life for myself so I can stop stressing over where life is going, so I can maybe someday have a job I love and be able to feed myself.

I feel like the commission/freelance route isn't really working for me, while I love my commissioners it is just too much of a slog and can grow really heavy fast. I am looking at options for my career, and schooling, trying to decide what is next. SO I need some time, I will be finishing the art I owe I am just trying to get into a healthier headspace. You guys deserve my best after all the patience and support you have given. I need help.

I am starting back into therapy on Thursday, I see a new therapist to get back on track with my mental health. I just can't keep doing things how I have been, it is just getting worse. I wanted to make this journal not to boohoo and search for a pity party, but to let those of you who care to know where I sit. Be transparent.

I am not in a good place emotionally or financially.
I am rebuilding my life from nothing with barely enough money to feed myself.
If it were not for my loved ones I would not have made it this far.
I am so grateful for everyone's patience with how quiet I've been.
Thank you for not hounding me and adding to the stress.
I have not forgotten about you guys, I try to work a little every day, it just isn't to my liking right now.
My creative drive is dead, I haven't been sleeping well. Mostly the weather but partially me not addressing my feelings over the breakup and the massive change to my life.
I want better for my life but I have to do things at my pace so I can do them right.

Thank you for waiting, I hope I find answers soon so I can make things right one way or another.