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9 years ago
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So... Hi.
Some of you got the impression from my last journal that I was leaving FA. In truth I was giving legit thought to leaving Earth.
It might not have seemed like it, brave face and all, but I suffer from clinical depression. It's an awful disease, where your brain lies to you and makes you see and feel things that aren't true. The crushing weight of no motivation or drive can make it a feat to just get out of bed. The feelings of worthlessness and self-hate gnaw at your psyche until you really start to believe them. Every day is a struggle to do anything, as you find the things that used to cheer you up, if they even provide any joy at all, are as fleeting and ephemeral as a gust of wind. Conversely, any negative things that happen feel like being impaled with a stake, sticking in you what seems like forever and hurting just as much.
Intellectually, once you've been diagnosed, you're at least aware that your brain is being an unreliable narrator. But against an unrelenting assault of sadness, even the knowledge that it's "fake" doesn't make it hurt any less. You feel like a prisoner in your own body, mentally screaming "Get up, get up, get up, DO SOMETHING!" and yet all you do is keep surfing the web or watching youtube or any other mindless, unproductive activity that's the mental equivalent of coasting downhill, because you're so sapped of motivation and energy it's all you can force yourself to do. And even when you do, there's no staying power- I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten up, said "Okay, I'm gonna do this now", and yet somehow I find myself back in bed 5-10 minutes later.
So now, here, writing this only because I was caught in the beginning stages of the attempt, I'm still stuck in this plague of self-doubt and recrimination. The intellectual side of me wonders: Am I just being a whiner? An attention whore? You can gauge an appropriate response to physical wounds, knowing what's reasonable pain from a papercut versus a gash versus a broken bone. The invisible nature of mental wounds, however, keeps their depth and severity in the realm of guesswork. So how do you know what's an appropriate response to a mental illness, when the pulmonary equivalent would be not being able to tell the difference between the common cold and double pneumonia?
...You know, this far into this whole thing, I'm not even sure what the point of it is anymore. A cry for help or pity or attention? A mea culpa for my recent lousy commission performance? I don't even know. I suppose at this point, if you've read all this, my one request is that you don't reply with "Sorry man" or "get well soon" or anything else short and greeting-card-like. If you want to comment, make it something of substance. When you're this deep into depression, platitudes feel like poison...
TL;DR- Depression sucks, I'm a mess, https://psychcentral.com/blog/archi.....th-depression/
Some of you got the impression from my last journal that I was leaving FA. In truth I was giving legit thought to leaving Earth.
It might not have seemed like it, brave face and all, but I suffer from clinical depression. It's an awful disease, where your brain lies to you and makes you see and feel things that aren't true. The crushing weight of no motivation or drive can make it a feat to just get out of bed. The feelings of worthlessness and self-hate gnaw at your psyche until you really start to believe them. Every day is a struggle to do anything, as you find the things that used to cheer you up, if they even provide any joy at all, are as fleeting and ephemeral as a gust of wind. Conversely, any negative things that happen feel like being impaled with a stake, sticking in you what seems like forever and hurting just as much.
Intellectually, once you've been diagnosed, you're at least aware that your brain is being an unreliable narrator. But against an unrelenting assault of sadness, even the knowledge that it's "fake" doesn't make it hurt any less. You feel like a prisoner in your own body, mentally screaming "Get up, get up, get up, DO SOMETHING!" and yet all you do is keep surfing the web or watching youtube or any other mindless, unproductive activity that's the mental equivalent of coasting downhill, because you're so sapped of motivation and energy it's all you can force yourself to do. And even when you do, there's no staying power- I can't tell you the number of times I've gotten up, said "Okay, I'm gonna do this now", and yet somehow I find myself back in bed 5-10 minutes later.
So now, here, writing this only because I was caught in the beginning stages of the attempt, I'm still stuck in this plague of self-doubt and recrimination. The intellectual side of me wonders: Am I just being a whiner? An attention whore? You can gauge an appropriate response to physical wounds, knowing what's reasonable pain from a papercut versus a gash versus a broken bone. The invisible nature of mental wounds, however, keeps their depth and severity in the realm of guesswork. So how do you know what's an appropriate response to a mental illness, when the pulmonary equivalent would be not being able to tell the difference between the common cold and double pneumonia?
...You know, this far into this whole thing, I'm not even sure what the point of it is anymore. A cry for help or pity or attention? A mea culpa for my recent lousy commission performance? I don't even know. I suppose at this point, if you've read all this, my one request is that you don't reply with "Sorry man" or "get well soon" or anything else short and greeting-card-like. If you want to comment, make it something of substance. When you're this deep into depression, platitudes feel like poison...
TL;DR- Depression sucks, I'm a mess, https://psychcentral.com/blog/archi.....th-depression/
Rawrrr- i really don't know what to say. Maybe I'll figure out a way to spit it out in ANOTHER couple of days... I should come up w/ something crazy optimistic to say- but it might end up insincere. I don't want you to have to go thru this stuff. To be perfectly rude, i'm much more comfortable BEING the depressed one around here. Seems all I can do is sit here and sputter. I dunno. There are gonna be better days, and there's gonna be worse days. You're not done yet. God willing, maybe this life will still be worth it.
Ultimately, you are going to need to talk to someone who's trained to handle these situations. Talk to your local doctor, clinic, or hell even the emergency room should be able to point you in the right direction. Just remember that depression is a dick and that you can't take anything it says at face value.
Still, thanks for the comment. {:)
What I started doing for my depression years ago was picture my depression as a physical creature, in my case a small bluish hobgoblin. And when I was having negative thoughts about myself I would picture hitting the hobgoblin with a kendo stick hard enough to break it and make a nice satisfying cracking sound.
And that was enough to derail the thought. Focusing on the sound of that breaking kendo stick.
Now that I've moved out onto my own and away from the source of what was really stressing me out, I no longer have fits of deperession. But I still use the kendo stick to derail non-productive or annoying thoughts.
Ah well, I suppose ol' Clippy only ever had good intentions, that insufferable little son-of-a-staple.
On a more serious note...
I'm sure you already know these things, but since I'm just an anonymous stranger over the internet, the only thing I can really offer in terms of help is to relate what I've learned from my own experience.
As someone who has struggled with bouts of depression, myself (albeit not as severe as yours), I have found that it always, ALWAYS helps to try to find some humor in the situation. "Gallows humor" is a very real thing, and it can be one of your best friends when things have got you down. Even if it all seems hopeless, laugh at the hopelessness; how could things have possibly gotten this bad? It's really quite absurd!
You're gifted in that you have self-awareness about how illogical the problem is. While it does tend to make things even more frustrating ("There's nothing actually stopping me from doing this, why can't I just do it!? What is WRONG with me!?" is, unfortunately, a train of thought that I am well-acquainted with) you can also use it to your advantage; Instead of beating yourself up and putting yourself down, laugh at your own mistakes and misfortunes, imaginary or otherwise. Own that shit. It won't fix the underlying issue of depression, but it will steal away some of its ammunition, and you gotta get those little victories where you can. I'm not saying to ignore or downplay your problems, of course, just to not let them hold any power over you, ESPECIALLY the ones that your depression is telling you are insurmountable foes.
Of course, sometimes all you really need is a hug.
(One oft-overlooked benefit to living with your parents: On-demand access to mom hugs! Even if you're over 30 years old!)Oh, and try to make sure you don't skip meals (actual meals, at regular times of day, not just grabbing whatever when you feel hungry). That always makes me feel like crap later on, and when you feel like crap, you're a sitting duck for those personal demons. Also food is delicious and that's nice too.
Same goes for sleeping at night and being awake during the day. When we're off-schedule in regards to things like food and rest, it puts everything off-kilter, both mental and physical.Finally, though it's become such a cliche, stay determined: You are the master of your own mind, and your will is stronger than you know. So long as you never give up, you can overcome just about anything. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but you CAN and you WILL, (here's the important part ->) one step at a time.
And don't just think things, if you want something to get done, SAY you're gonna get it done. That makes it more "real", and more likely to stick.
i mean, i guess so, anyway
man idk it's all just so much easier said than done isn't it
we tell ourselves that tomorrow we're definitely gonna accomplish something
and then tomorrow comes and we just don't feel that spark of motivation anymore
we tell eachother all these little bits of life advice, and meanwhile we're still trying to convince ourselves to follow that advice
But! I was linked to this blog a while ago by... someone, somewhere, I don't remember... anyway that's not important, give this a read and see if maybe it helps any?
http://www.wisdomination.com/screw-.....is-discipline/