So, I'm not sure how many know the drama in my life and the stress i've been under. This was a new account for an older character, because I thought maybe starting fresh was going to help. Maya took a lot of work, I put nearly two years of my life into designing her and I've only had her finished a little more than a year now. She's been 'me' far more than any other character i've ever had, and yet it's difficult for me to look at her, to think of her. I just woke up with a dream where Maya and I were drowning in sand while friends watched on silently.

I might slow down around here for a while. I've spent a lot of time watching uploads to comment on ones I enjoyed, and I've made a few potential friends doing so but it's not really helped with this emptiness inside of me that I was trying to fill, not when the one person that I came back to FA for can't even watch me or talk to me. I'm going to do my best to keep in contact with the new friends i've made but I'm not sure I can invest the energy like I was at the moment, I simply don't have enough to give. The facade of being just peachy is wearing on me to the point of nightmares already and that scares me.

I 'love' Maya, she's such an integral part of me, and I know I could never get rid of her. Right now, I guess a part of me feels that she is tainted...and by being unable to give her up I cost myself the best friendship I'd ever had. None of my older characters are appealing to me although I've had a little bit of Nyr resurface recently. I just...I've made quite a few friends here already, and I don't want to let that all go. I know I'm still in grief over a friendship and I'm not sure if Maya is helping me be strong and move on, or causing me to longer on it, because they were pretty much the only artist to draw Maya for most of the year i've had her...and there's a part of me that wishes they were the only one that ever would...but I 'love' getting art, it allows me to live a life that otherwise I can't.


I'm so conflicted and so lost. I want to make friends, to get to know people, to have fun. I don't really know how to do that without 'me' who'se so linked up with Maya...and yet...feeling like this.